We have known each other for 7 years and were really close friends, possibly each other’s best, for a good part of 4 years. We dated for barely a month. It started out when your relationship with L. ended and a hug in bed ended with us just holding each other for the rest of the night. I don’t know what naivety led me to believe hugging my guy best friend throughout an entire night would be perfectly okay, but I guess things possibly started with the sexual tension then.
Dating you was never part of the plan given you were agnostic and I really belived in Christ. But mutual feelings, that night, distance, everyday talking, my weak boundaries and passiveness – all played their part and we dated.
And broke up abruptly.
We broke up because I felt our belief systems were incompatible. You were willing to work through it but I wasn’t. I know it hurt you and I know you wanted to stay friends.
But I can’t.
We can be acquaintances at best. I played out in my head all the possible directions a coversation with you on this topic would take and all of them ended in you staying away from me for good and me being awkward, or me just giving into your talk and staying friends painfully.
You see, it’s been 2 years since we broke up but why am I still worried about hurting you romantically. It hurt you when I told you of a marriage proposal that came up inbetween and it hurt me when you told me of the really pretty girl you liked and were flirting with. It hurt to hear that you were talking to her about me too. We never told each other we were hurt either. Maybe we should have laid boundaries when transitioning from partners to friends again – no talk of new love unless something’s getting finalised, no leaning on each other for emotional support.
Kinda late now, isn’t it? I don’t know how to salvage this anymore, or even it is salvageable. I don’t want these random hurt feelings to occupy so much of my heart and eat up my mind space.
I don’t want to talk and distract you from the relationship with the pretty new girl.
I have therefore decided to not initiate any casual conversations with you and ignore you for a bit when you initiate them. I love you as always, A, and wish you well. Please be happy.
PS. Bits of unsolicited advice:
1. Remember that all of your previous relationships ended for a reason – you were in love with another while dating one, one wasn’t ready to commit and it got complicated with BPD, one had a different core belief system. As long as you learn from them, you don’t have to fear repetition.
2. Don’t linger over me and miss out on what you have at present. You once did that with L and it did arouse feelings of inadequacy when you didn’t consider me as much as her. You thought L was the best once. But then you met me. You might someone cooler in a different way. Keep your eyes open for her. 🙂
3. In an attempt to get over me or out of loneliness, don’t get together even casually with a girl who isn’t willing to commit. You will get hurt. The amount of hurt is directly proportional to how emotionally and physically close you are to her.
4. You won’t be satisfied with a casual relationship. You seek deeper conversations and for someone to get to know the heart of you and stay. Someone will, someday.
5. Oh, and when you find that someone, don’t compare her to me for she will be awesome in her own ways!
6. Make sure she is honest, trustworthy, generally kind and compassionate. You know what that looks like.
7. Don’t try to change the parts of her that hurt you. Let her know and let it go. She will grow into you as you will grow into her.
8. Keep singing and playing Hope and Serene. Oh, and stay awesome. 🙂