To H,

I wish you believed me when I said that I loved you before you blocked me everywhere. I still stalk you on tiktok sometimes and wonder how you’re doing, and realize you followed your ex again. It breaks my heart to think all the times you’ve reassured me that she didn’t mean anything, might’ve been temporary. You said you didn’t love me anymore and I’m really starting to believe you and feel that you don’t love me.

After months of not talking to each other, I still miss you a lot but you haven’t contacted me for me even once. I’m going to a job thing tomorrow and I’m super nervous about it and I wish I got to hear your voice tell em that you believe in me, even as a friend. Just the thought that you don’t even care how I’m doing kills me. Last year, you didn’t even remember my birthday. That actually broke my heart. My birthday reminds me of your birthday. Our birthdays are 4 days apart. But it feels like we’re miles and universes apart.  That’s how much I cared. I still care.

The last time you saw me in person, you asked if I wanted to be friends and I said no. Why do you think I said no? How can two people be just friends after sharing so many traumatic memories of their past with each other and support each other with every little thing, give each other cute gifts, go out for every festival, event and everything. I feel like crying just thinking about you. I avoid thinking about you all together. But every time I do, I feel like sobbing until I can’t feel anything.

Being in your arms sounds pretty good to me right now. But I hope I recover from what I’m going through and move past our memories and make new ones with someone else. Coming back to you feels too painful, not that you’ll take me back anyways. I bet you’re busy with sage. LOL.

I hope I get the job that I’m going for tomorrow because if I don’t, I don’t even know what else I’m meant to do with my life. I miss you so so much. Missing you hurts physically. Do you miss me?  Probably not. Because I know you and you’re the kind of person that would text or call someone if you missed them.  And so am I. I texted and called. Your number is literally out of service. I’m going insane just knowing you don’t even like me anymore. I hope I have a happier life.. I know life is unpredictable. I just want to get over you first, get a job I like that pays enough for me to live a bit more than comfortably, travel, and hopefully find someone that won’t break promises or my heart.

I hope I find someone that cares about me so much just the thought of me being hurt makes them cry, I want someone who is so gentle and loving that it brings me to tears how pure love could be. If I don’t find this, I won’t be with anyone. Because it is not worth it. You’ve taught me gentle love is better than anything. Thank you for raising my standards just a little bit. Even though you did lie to me at certain points. You’re not even gentle anymore, I had a ptsd episode and you’ve never answered my calls.

Before this, the way you treated me was beautiful and the way you cared before was great. But you got bored of me. I want even more of that certain kindness you’ve showed me once and an even better version of that that never goes away. With trust. With kindness. With someone that won’t be with anyone else because I am his last love. I’m still heartbroken but I will try my best to get through this. 

Ps. I got diagnosed with gallstones LOL ( super random) but it made me think of the time you took care of me after my breast surgery. It’s still so funny to me when I remember you decorated my room with roses like it was a honeymoon? haha, good times. 

Love,
H