I’m sorry. I’m not sorry. I don’t know

I’m sorry. I’m not sorry. I don’t know

I’m sorry. I’m not sorry. I don’t know

Ugh where do I even start. 

I want to say sorry to my child’s father. But at the same time I feel justified. Even though I know I shouldn’t be. 

I’ll skip the bullshit. Yea I cheated on you. Several times. I never really had strong feelings for you. I know we had a kid n all. But I just never saw you as the man I wanted to be with. For this I’m sorry.

The silence, we didn’t talk for three years. I know you were avoiding me. It made me mad. I had friends putting toxic things in my head about you. I listened because you were gone. I guess I felt like we would communicate and just not be together. But you couldn’t even look at me. I get it. For this I’m sorry.

I know I jumped to another man right after our relationship. Honestly it was like putting a bandaid on. Even though I wasn’t really into you, it hurt bad when it ended, I just never showed it. And I could see my lack of affection easily you away. It relieved the pain for me, I don’t know why. I guess it gave me security knowing you cared. 

Back to the silence, I watched you from a far. I saw who you hung out with. What you did. Both good and bad. N what you were doing in life. 

It may me mad how you were living freely, it made me mad who you hung out with, it made me mad that you were heart broke. I felt like I should be heart broke, I hated how you became the victim when I felt like it should of been me. 

But most of all, I hated how you started growing, you were succeeding. And it scared me, regret, not that I left you, just regret that I wish I would of been more into you. I wish you were this man when we were together, I know that’s a selfish comment, but it’s true. You were doing good and I wasn’t.

I went after you not for the reasons you think, it had nothing to do with money, it had nothing to do with revenge, and it has nothing to do with your parenting skills.

The reason why I came after you is because I was drowning. I was alone. I needed help. And I didn’t have the courage to ask you for it. I used anger towards you. I used tactics, I tried to get you to chase me. Fuck I just wanted you to save me. Like your always did. And the only way I could stop you from leaving was by coming after you. In court.

Man I’m sorry. I know I fucked up your life pretty good. I didn’t solve my issues either.  I hate being this fucked up. 

It’s like my mind flew off the hook after we had a baby. I dunno if it’s birth control to blame or post partum. Could be out side influence.

But either way I just. I don’t know I wanted you to just stay where you were until I needed you. .n when you moved on I panicked. And I dropped the nuke on you.

My karma is every one hates me. So don’t worry. It didn’t go unseen by the creator. I probably will die alone one day. 

But all in all, I know you, I know you read posts like this all night every night, I hope you come across this one. Because I know that you know it is me. 

Tee to Kay.


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