Dear you, you know who you are,

I’m so glad that you are so fucking happy. I’m so glad that you can sleep at night knowing that you ruined someone, that you broke them all apart. That the person you broke is the one who is up at night tossing and turning wondering what more she could have done. Our future is gone and yet that’s ok with you, you don’t care, you can go off with someone else. I honestly don’t know how you can sleep at night, how you could sleep at night by my side all the while knowing that you were cheating on me. How’d you do it? Because you told yourself that it was ok? That you told yourself you did nothing wrong because you’re a guy? Any decent person wouldn’t treat someone like that. You think you’ve changed but you haven’t. Texting me saying you miss me, saying you can be loyal to me now, all while you were trying to get some other girl. You haven’t changed at all. I feel sorry for this girl, because now she is entangled in all of your lies. Now she gets to be destroyed just like I was. Does she know? Did you tell her that you cheated on your ex girlfriend? Did you tell her that your ex girlfriend gave you everything and all you did was throw it away? Did you tell her that your ex is still struggling? That she is still trying to get over her broken heart?

You probably didn’t because oh yeah you did nothing wrong and you’re a guy so what do you expect is going to happen? You’re selfish and immature. You may be happy now but karma will come and bite you in the ass. It will take you for a whirlwind for what you’ve done to a girl who didn’t deserve the way you treated her.

How was it so easy to lie to her face everyday? How was it so easy to cheat and lie to her? The girl who was there every day. The one who would have stood by you for the rest of your life, the one who would have been devoted to you if only you had been devoted to her.

You say that you didn’t talk to these people the whole time that we were together, like that is supposed to make it better. But you did talk to them. You talked to them when you asked me to be your girlfriend, you talked to them when you said you wanted to marry me one day, you talked to them while we were talking about having kids and a house. You talked to them, you thought about them, and you lied to me over and over.

So you think not telling me isn’t lying? You lied about everything, all of it. The life that we were going to have, the way that I made you feel. Do you remember what you told me? How you’d never felt that way before? Only to then go behind my back and let Girl One call me ugly and send you pictures of herself, and God knows what else. Then you talk to Girl Two about having sex with her, and even make plans to do so?

And guess what even after all of that, even after I caught you on tinder I still gave you another chance. I was ready to put it all behind us if you could prove that you were going to change and show that you were a better man than that. But all you did was hurt me over and over still.

You didn’t tell me you were going to hang out with your friends longer than you said you would. You didn’t tell me that I didn’t need to go to the doctors with you, when I had hurried up and gotten dressed because you wanted me to go. You didn’t stay with me while my horse was sick and your friends were more important. Yeah I told you to go. What else was I supposed to do? The look on your face said you wanted to go. I thought about you, and you never thought about me. You never cared enough to sit back and think what am I doing? If Jessica finds this it won’t be good. You only cared about getting off. Kind, decent men don’t do that shit, so don’t use the I’m a guy what do you expect shit. Men who say that they love the person they are with and says that person is the best thing that has ever happened to them, are loyal, they don’t go out and betray someone.

It’d be easier if you had broken up with me and then did all these things you wanted to do. That is what a decent person does. You didn’t care enough about me to do that though did you? You thought oh Jessica will never find out so I can do all of this shit to her and she’ll never know. She doesn’t matter, what I want matters more. I like knowing that my exs can’t get enough of me. I like knowing that they’ll send me sexy pictures and talk to me about having sex with them. I like knowing that there are girls on tinder who will put out for me.

Where was I when you thought all of that?

My memories of us are now tarnished. I know that every time you were with me you were thinking about them. That when I left your side, or hell when I was sitting right there beside you, you were thinking about them.

Why? Why put someone through that? Why treat someone you claim to love that way?

And then you blame me for stupid things, and then I feel bad for hurting you because I’ve said something I didn’t mean.

You should look at all of the things I did for you. Then look at the way you treated me. How many days in our relationship were you talking to other girls? How many days were you looking at other girls to have sex with? How often were you truthful to me?

It was all a lie, all of it. And I tried to make it ok. I tried to fix things and start over. Stupid me. You weren’t going to stop. When the first thing a girl asks you is if you have a girlfriend, I can guarantee you they aren’t looking to be your friend, and yet you talked to her anyway. Said you would meet up with her, talked to her about me as though I didn’t matter again. And you can say that you didn’t mean what you said, but here is the thing, you said those things.

Saying you didn’t mean the things you said to any of these girls you talked to behind my back doesn’t mean that it is the truth. You wouldn’t have said them if you didn’t mean them. You would have told them to go away that you were happy with me and you didn’t need them. But that isn’t what you did.

I tried to not let our memories be tarnished, I tried to be alright with it all. But this is what you have left me with, tarnished memories, and a broken heart.

I couldn’t keep giving you chances to break it. I couldn’t stand by a man who didn’t stand by me any longer. I couldn’t let him talk to other girls and then proceed to tell these girls things about me behind my back. I couldn’t let him break the last pieces of my heart that were barely holding together.

I had to let him go in order to keep myself afloat. In order to not let myself drown. But then he tries to pull me back. He tries to tell me that he misses me and that we should be friends. I tell him there is no way we can be friends, and besides it would be too hard to see him with someone else. And even still even after all of that, he still doesn’t think about the girl who is broken, the girl who loved him with every fiber of her being. He doesn’t think about how she would feel watching him have the life they planned with someone else. He doesn’t think about her, and he still doesn’t think about her. Not in the way that he should.

It was all just a lie, all of it. Nothing about our relationship was honest. I never lied to you. I wasn’t perfect but I was loyal, and all I ever did was love you. I just wish you could have done the same.

I want the anger and the hurt to stop but I don’t know if it ever will.

Thank you for everything you’ve done to me,
Jessica