Have I ever told you how I fell love with you?

We were still in Baguio then, having lunch at one of the most prestigious “restaurants” in Bonifacio Road. Yes, kay Manang Pat’s. Kung saan walang kisame, at ang sarsa ng adobo at ibang ulam, ay iisa. Pero may libreng sabaw ka.

It’s still very vivid in my mind now. We were sitting on the long table across the counter with me seated closer the exit, and you on my left. You ordered sinigang. Then, this little boy, probably Manang Pat’s apo, came running around our table. He was a friendly, jolly kid. He would make eye contact and give an innocent smile. Apparently, it wasn’t as innocent as we thought. Turns out, he was really looking at your food. You called him and asked if he wanted to have some sinigang. That moment, I was really wishing he’d say no. His mom was even there, and I was expecting her to scold his son for bothering customers. Pero, he came to our table and you fed him using your very own spoon. I can still remember how that spoon looked like. It was wet with soup, half-filled with rice, and had a small stalk of kangkong. Do you know the first thing that came into my mind? All sorts of bacteria that kid could have given you through his saliva. Haha.

Then I looked at you. I looked at the kid. I looked at how happy you were; feeding that boy you didn’t even know. I saw how great of a person you are, especially with kids, and how even greater of a parent you would be someday. For the very first time, I saw you then as more than just a person I am dating. With these set of eyes, I not only saw you, but I saw THROUGH you. I saw you as the person I would love and cherish, and I saw myself as the lucky girl who has you. And the rest, as they say, is history.

This memory, I am now giving back to you. Please do know that right from the start, I intended to give you the best of me, and nothing less. I vowed to myself, and over that pack of Malteser’s I bought for you (eating it while we were chatting on the top floor of SM), that I would never ever hurt you. But I am only human, and humans sometimes commit mistakes, even to the ones dearest to them. I take full responsibility if I may have caused you pain in the past, but do know that I was not aware, nor was it my intention.

In spite of my flaws, know that I only wanted to love you with all of me. It has always been you, despite everything, including everything that happened in between. But we have come to a point where the decision to stay together and work things out has become a one-way street, and I have finally learned to accept that. I forgive you for causing me pain. I forgive you for not using your voice, and for choosing the easy way out. I forgive you for tearing my heart into tiny little pieces. Most of all, I forgive you for breaking my trust.

Know that I will be forever grateful for the things we have shared, and they will stay close to my heart for the years to come, but I’m afraid that we cannot go on like this anymore. It hurts me too, but I can’t be there for you as a friend whenever you need me. We cannot communicate any longer in any form or medium because it will only be a cycle – something that has no beginning or an end – a cycle, nothing less and nothing more. We cannot be trapped in this never-ending chain, for there will be no growth for either of us.

The reason I am writing you this letter is to say thank you, and goodbye. You have taught me many things about life and love and I will not forget about them as I continue on. There are so many wonderful things ahead of me, and I cannot get hold of any if I am still holding onto something. I have to let go completely even if doing so is the hardest thing that you (or anyone) have ever asked me to. But then, for another opportunity to knock, one has to close the door first.

We don’t know what the future will bring, but I am now closing this chapter for the both of us. I know you have ended it earlier, but I am doing this for my own closure. I hope that whatever happened will be the start of a journey of learning for the both of us. It has been that for me.

As a final request, do remember the one memory that I shared with you about that little boy, and try to be that person I once knew – not for me, but for you. I know that deep in you is a good person – someone who is kind enough and willing to offer her own spoon to a stranger. Be that person and do not stray too far.

I sincerely wish you happiness in all your endeavors.