Larry,

It has been more than a month and I am still so very hurt and traumatized by all that has happened. 13+ years of marriage and almost 16 yrs together and I never ever wanted it to come to this. I loved you so much that I wanted to make it work. At all costs. And I still love you, but I had to finally realize that love is simply not enough anymore.

The years of abuse are what have chipped away at my heart and soul. And not just the physical abuse, the mental and verbal abuse as well. I realize now that you were abusive right from the start, even before we were married. Do you remember the time you choked me in the bedroom until your roommate Jay pulled you off of me? Then you threw a speaker at my head, and ripped the sleeve of my shirt as I tried to escape. You kicked the fish tank and broke it, and the police showed up. Do you remember all of this? It was so long ago, before we were even married.

Do you remember all the times the police have been to the house and how many times I was the one who had to leave and go to friends houses, even a hotel?

Do you remember that I went to counsellimg with you? That I have done what I can to make this marriage work ?

Do you know what it’s like to be accused of things you have not done?

Do you know what it feels like to be terrified of the man you love because you don’t know if the next fight will be the last?

Do you understand the fear if being choked or punched so hard that you fear for your life? How about the fear of your husband holding a rifle to your head as you cower in the corner?

Do you have any empathy at all, or do you really believe I somehow deserve all of this?

I am very sad for you, for us, for what we could have been.

I know that I far from a perfect person Larry but I did nothing to deserve this kind of abuse. Nothing can justify that, just like no apology from you can ever erase or change that.

You need to understand that your controlling and abusive behavior is why our relationship has to be over. You are dangerous and I am sure it will happen again. As a matter of fact, I know one day you will kill me. This is why I have to leave.

Whether you realize it or not you are quite capable of killing me, and it has only been pure luck that it has not happened yet.

A grown man choking and strangling his wife is the closest thing to murder that you can get. So whether by accident or not, you would most certainly kill me. You need to realize and accept this fact, and understand what you have put me through.

You will never know what is like to be physically and mentally abused. No human being should ever know that. It is the worst feeling in the world and no way to live.

Larry, you need help. It’s not the alcohol. It’s the deep seated aggression within you. You are an abuser. And you will never get better until you truly accept that fact, and face the consequences that come with it.

Although I love you, and have tried so very hard to help you I realize that I no longer can. The only way I can help you is by leaving you, and hope that you can realize why and get the help you need to move on with your life and be healthy again.

It is very hard, especially when I think of the good times.

But when I think of the bad times it eclipses anything that was ever good. It is like a poison that infected my heart. I told you one day this would happen, I so wish you could have believed me and followed through with all your empty promises. I gave you so many chances, and accepted so many apologies. I truly wanted to believe you would change your ways. But it never happened, it just got worse.

If you really loved me you would have done something sooner. Or maybe you are simply incapable of that. I don’t know anymore.

The only thing I do know for sure is that as painful as this is, it has to be over. You are no good for me, and I am no good for you. Our relationship is so unhealthy that there is no saving or fixing it anymore. Too much has happened.

I also want to believe that you are sorry and have changed. But I know you cannot change in just over a month. It’s not possible. Abusive persons need years of therapy, not weeks.

I think you believe you have changed, but if you look deep in your heart you will see this is not true. You have been sorry before, but did not change. If I went back to you now it would just be a matter of time before you abused me again.

I don’t want to hurt you by leaving but I know it is a necessary evil. I want this to be over quickly so we can both pick up the pieces and get on with what is left of our lives.

I truly do hope that you can get well and have a happy life . As long as I am with you that will never happen.

If you do still love me, or ever really did, you will find it in your heart to understand that it’s over and we should split amicably. I have no intention to clean you out. I just want a fair clean break.

I hope you can find it in your heart to understand the pain and anguish you have caused me, and realize that even after enduring it all I still love you and do not hate you for it.

If you cannot understand this I feel very sad for you Larry. But if you can it’s the first step for you to a better life. I hope beyond all hope that you will understand this one day.

I will always treasure the good times we had, but I will also always carry the hurtful memories of the abuse. This is my burden, for life .

If you never meant to hurt me then please just let this end.

I will always love you Larry. Always. But I can’t be with you anymore. Love is not enough.

I wish you well in life, I hope you do for me as well.

And know that I am unhappy and miserable, but I know this is what has to happen. I so wish you would have realized it too. We could have had such a good life together if things had been different. But I cannot dwell anymore on what should have or could have been…all I can do now is move on, as a single woman and try to learn to love myself again. You need to learn to love yourself again too Larry.

Take care. I only wish well for you and hope you can find happiness Larry. I’m sorry I was not the one who could give that to you.

Know that my heart is shattered, and I will always love you. But this is how it has to be.