Dear Retard,

I know that term is politically incorrect, and I really despise using it, however you were the one who told me and my family that it was your nickname. Very intelligent. So to save you from further embarrassment, I’ll not name you in this letter and will just refer to you as retard.

First of all, let me say that this letter by no means signifies that I miss you or our ‘relationship’. I guess deep down I hope you’ll read it and come to realize that I was right in breaking up with you, even if it was via text message.

We had many issues with our relationship, and one of those issues was that you never wanted to address any of those issues. A good relationship will debate, argue, etc and resolve issues. You never wanted to. You never wanted to discuss any important issues. Car racing is not an important issue. You also cannot tell me that I shouldn’t be so supportive for rights of others including LGBT rights, animal rights, etc because they’ll ‘sort themselves out’.

Another issue we had is when you informed me that I ‘didn’t need a career’. Who the fuck do you think you are? This is 2013 damn it. Oh, what’s that? You told me I can live a fulfilling life being a housewife to our 3 – 4 kids that I was supposed to pop out within 5 years? Fuck you. And you tell me this before we’d even been dating for 2 months? Really I should’ve dumped your ass sooner. How dare you tell me I don’t ‘need a career’. This is MY life. If I want to better myself, I can. I’m sorry that I wasn’t satisfied with either working in a supermarket or being a stay at home mum. Not that there’s anything wrong with either of those, but who are you to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do? You barely knew me. Dickhead.

Another thing, it is not acceptable to refer to someone as your girlfriend after 1 date. It is also not ok to interlock your fingers with someone so tightly that you sprain their fingers and continue to do so even after they tell you it hurts. Especially on the first date.

It is also unacceptable to force your girlfriend to go out for lunch on her birthday, to a seafood restaurant, knowing she cannot eat it, and then try to get her to pay the $28 bill. Cheapskate. Also not ok to go out for dinner with her later and expect her parents to pay for you when you invited yourself along.

It is not ok to try and drown your girlfriend, knowing she has a fear of that because she almost drowned when she was a child. You laughed and said ‘if you drown, I’ll just save you!’ How about not drowning me in the first place asswipe?

It is not ok to tell your girlfriend’s sister that she looks weird when you know she has confidence issues. Jerk.

It is not ok to tell your girlfriend that she looks a little bit like a lesbian when she gets a few inches cut off her hair. FYI, hair grows and it looked fantastic. Who are you to talk anyway? You have more gel than hair on your head, btw, the 90s called – they want their style back.

It is not ok to tell your girlfriend that ‘we will be engaged within the next year’, and then tell her that it absolutely will be happening, even if she says she’s not interested in marriage. Not ok to tell her she doesn’t have a say in how many kids she’s having either. On that note, and relating to what I said earlier, 3 – 4 kids WITHIN 5 years? Are you fucking insane? Do you have any concept of how pregnancy works? I am not a water park.

You had terrible taste in style, music, movies, etc. No, Twilight is not a great movie, I lied to shut you up. I despised it. Terrible acting, terrible storyline, etc. Even one of the main actors said he hated it. That Christmas present you bought me that you said you spent 4 hours shopping for? Did you listen to me at all when I said ‘I don’t like teddy bears’? I don’t think you listened to a word I said during our relationship. And, pardon my French but what the actual fuck, did you mean when you said you ‘didn’t like sci-fi things like Star Trek, Star Wars, etc.’? Don’t try to change my interests. You will never win.

Not ok to try and get your mum to ‘accidentally’ give your girlfriend seafood when she goes to visit them for the first time, knowing she will be bent over the toilet seat vomiting for days if she eats any.

Be more respectful when you’re kissing someone too. Make sure you have fresh breath, and don’t try and jam your tongue down their throat. It’s extremely rude, and I have to say I’m glad I never let you French kiss me, because for the majority of our relationship when you touched me I gagged. When you wishfully said you wish I was in the shower with you after you text me for what felt like the thousandth time that night, I felt like I needed to have a mental shower. There was no way in hell that was happening. You need to learn to read people better and read signals, if you knew that, you would’ve known I was going to break up with you and maybe you could’ve done something to fix the issues.

The term ‘taking it to the next level’, refers to having sex. It does not refer to, as you put it, ‘saying the l word’. Seriously, the l word? Grow the fuck up and say the actual word – love. You didn’t even love me. You tried to change everything about me. You tried to kill who I was. And you don’t tell a girl that you think you’re ‘ready to say the l word in a few weeks, so get ready to say it as well.’ Don’t tell me what to do.

The highlight from our relationship was when my cat shit on you, and proceeded to vomit on your favourite shirt. Also the end of the relationship. Speaking of which ‘I’m never going to find someone like you’? That’s the whole point Retard! I want to find someone who accepts me, flaws and all, doesn’t try to control me, discusses important issues with me, etc. Also someone who is not a homophobe, which to be honest was weird because you had homosexual tendencies, like telling me my cleavage was a bit too much, even when I wore a high neckline. Fuck you. I never wore anything remotely slutty and women should embrace their bodies.

It is not ok to text your girlfriend 30 times in the space of 10 minutes. That is obsessive and creepy. If she tells you she’s not feeling well and is going to have a nap, do not incessantly text her asking if she wants you to come over, especially after she says ‘no, I have a migraine’. Leave her the fuck alone. And sending ‘I miss you’ when she just saw you 2 minutes ago, is not cute, it’s weird. You needed to learn to give me space. I didn’t have to spend every waking minute with you. Also, I know you drove past my house a few weeks ago, creep.

Another thing, don’t you think it’s strange that you only have 2 close friends, and they’re more than double your age, and you have no friends of your own gender? That’s weird. I have friends of all different ages and genders.

If it’s a hot day, do not take your shirt off and drape your sweaty arm over your girlfriend so she can smell the stench coming from your arm pit and have your sweat drip onto her. You thought you were showing off your ‘hot body’. Bitch please. Walking for half an hour for 10 minutes isn’t going to give you abs, contrary to what you believe.

But you know what? I guess you think I’m bitter for having to suffer through an awful time that I am erasing every shred of evidence for (your teddy bear has been donated to a homeless guy with better hygiene than you), I’m not though. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

And these past 8 months have been fantastic. I know you said my life would suck without you in it because we were ‘soulmates’, but here’s what I’ve been up to:

I graduated with 2 diplomas, got a job offer on a big budget movie set, worked as an extra in a film with 2 big Hollywood stars, made lots of friends who accept me for who I am. You know what else I’ve done? Had sex. And it was great. Done it many times, for many months. We haven’t said the ‘l word’, we’re not even in a committed relationship. Welcome to the 21st century. This is my life, and I’ll live how I want to, and so far, it’s awesome. Glad to see you’re still fulfilling your dream of working in a supermarket and living with your brother, taking vacations in a caravan.

In conclusion, fuck you, my life is awesome without you, Retard.