So after 2 months of you leaving me with a question mark. I finally decided to answer it myself. 

I deleted my favourite picture of us, (the last one) and packed your jacket to return it to you (or maybe i’ll burn it).

I wish I was mad at you (everyone else says I should too), yet all I feel is understanding and gratitude. Knowing that you’d be better off without me. Knowing that someone prettier, richer, and who knows you better, would make you happier.

I tried dating someone, then I knew how you felt better. How there was someone who couldn’t be replaced. How you probably gave me a small chance, but I couldn’t measure up. How ironic, that now I’ll be doing the same thing you did to me to others, a neverending cycle. And while doing that I’ll be reminded of you.

Maybe one day I won’t sing about you anymore, but meanwhile, I’m sorry, singing is how I express how I feel, and it’s what makes me special enough that others want to hear me sing, and most of the time, you’re there to hear it. It reminds me how you’re always the person closest to the stage, watching me with those honey eyes. Nothing can let you feel what I feel truly, but a few songs do come close. If I haven’t already sung these songs to you, maybe you can hear them out. Glimpse of Us (female pov) by joji and Best Friends by A lin.

While I will still smile at the cute memories, I know whatever we had, was bittersweet. Yes, my firsts didn’t mean much to me, but to you, it was important enough to be a dealbreaker, to you it mattered, you knew in your heart what you took from me. Yet deep down in my heart, I’m happy you were my many firsts, that if I died one day, I’ll be happy I experienced whatever we had. 

They say if you love them, let them go, if they come back they’re yours forever, if not it was never meant to be. Deep down in my black empty heart, I know i’ll still be waiting for you to come back. But I hope it’s not too late then. But if you do end up getting back your first love, whom you said you’d choose if you had a time machine, i’m happy for you. I do hope you learn to cherish her, while you have her.

I still have to remind myself why I left, and why I should never go back. At the end of the day, I was available, nice, not pretty enough but in the acceptable range, and understood a small piece of you, and you, had a dick, so you gave me a chance. And every time I smile and laugh over a happy memory, I need to destroy it by telling myself you threw that away and for what? for a girl that threw you away. The version of you and I that I created in that barely a month’s time, I have to realise that it wasn’t real and it’s gone forever.

We still meet almost every day, talk, banter, play fight, talk dirty, motivate each other, go home together. Even though it’ll never be the same, I hope that’s enough for me.

I can’t send this letter directly to you, because that might ruin our friendship and working relationship, so I post this here, because of the tinyyyyyyyyyyy chance you’d see it, which is near impossible.

So I say goodbye to us and my Calvin, the one who I loved and loved me back.