You were my first love. but you were also my second love. you were the ones in between, to the side, before, after. you were a constant. i’d always have you on my mind, you know. i would feel weird, because why hadn’t i moved on to where you didn’t matter anymore? i told myself id never had real feelings for you, but i think that was just a lie i told myself, another way to try to ignore how i was actually feeling. every guy after you had something that reminded me of you. whether their hairstyle, what they liked, what they did. they never failed to remind me of you. you should be proud of yourself. you always told me about how much you didn’t want me to ever leave you. look at me now, 2 years later, n i still cant let you go. i’m so scared to not have you there when i need you, to not have your name in my dms or messages, knowing that you’re literally one call away makes everything a lil bit easier. it scares me so badly to think of not having you there. so, mission accomplished. i cant leave you. i still search for you in crowds. i listen a little more in conversations when you’re in them. i’m more excited to go to school because i know that you’re gonna be there.

I love you more than i want to, and i don’t know if it’ll ever really go away. when i finally start to pull away, you say or do something that breaks my heart again or reminds me why i cant say goodbye to you. i hate you for that. but i love you, so, so much. moving on is never easy, but you make it so much harder. it was 2 years ago (1,029 days) that we broke up. if we can even call it that. just writing this hurts, because i know that we’re not a “we” anymore, so i’m pretty much lying just by using the word. i miss you so much, j. i cant believe i’m turning back into a lovesick mess. i don’t date anymore, but i would change that for you. i would change so many pieces of myself for you to love me again. i hate it because you don’t even deserve that. you don’t even seem to care about me, but i care so much about you. why is that? 

I don’t know if i even like to think of you as my ex-boyfriend. that’s how I refer to you any time you happen to come up in conversation. ill go weeks, maybe even months, without you crossing my mind at all, but then ill have these phases where i can’t stop thinking about you. can you tell that i’m in one of those phases right now? i want so badly for you to know that i don’t hate you, and i don’t really hold anything against you. i mean, you know me — there’s definitely a small part of me that will never let that anger toward you go. but for the most part, i’ve moved on from it.

it’s weird trying to write this as if i’m talking to you but to also do so in an mature way. like, that last paragraph, i would never say something like that to you out loud, and probably not over text either. that’s what i hate so much — that we have no relationship at all. now, that isn’t me saying i think we should have one, or that i want us to have one; i think the damage is done. 

It may sound like i regret being with you, but i don’t. being with you taught me so many things such as what love rlly feels like, how it is to open up to someone n how to be happy. i learned that i never need to rely on anyone n that i need to find out who i really am. so, thank you because without you breaking my heart i don’t think I ever would have found myself. at one point, i wanted you to hurt as much as you hurt me. but now, i wish nothing but the best for you. i hope you get to live a wonderful life. ill probably miss you from time to time, but that’s okay. 

you will always hold a special place in my heart, even if the place you hold in my mind is somewhat conflicted. truly, i don’t want anything from you. i don’t want to be your friend, and i don’t even really want to talk to you. but the thought of you thinking i carry any ill will toward you pains me. i don’t know if i’ve forgiven you 100% for what you did, but i know that ill always love you, in some capacity.