Hon,

You always say that our love was the right kind of love but at the wrong time and at the wrong situation. Maybe it is. Maybe it is not. But for me during those times that we are together, it felt the most righteous thing for to do. The way you held my hands, your palms are sweaty, but it was so tight like you could never survive without holding them, it felt aggressive but i love it. The way you stare at my eyes and like a child, with honesty in those eyes, how you say you love me.

There are several little things i miss about you. It never failed to make me laugh how terrible you are at directions. No wonder you’re always late during dates. I miss how you love to lay on my shoulder. It makes me wonder if the smell of my armpits are attractive to you coz you like to dig your face in them. I also find it cute when you are so ashamed in letting me smell your feet coz it’s stinky. Hon, i know you don’t use perfume, but i hopelessly long for the smell of your clothes soaked in Downy fabric conditioner. I bought a gallon of it when you left me, just for me to still feel your presence. I miss the way you talk. Your rural-tagalog and my urban conyo is such a good match coz we compliment each other. Remember how such trying-hard bisaya we are? We don’t even know how to pronounce “Acheche Aloloy” correctly and just laugh about it.

I understand the situation that we are in. We are both guys. The only difference is this kind of relationship is against your culture. I understand that you have an emotionally dependent live-in partner that you can’t just leave alone. I remember when you said that you equally love us both but he needs you more than i do. I dont think such is true. i know that you love me more. I can see it in your eyes and i can feel it. However, it you who needs him more. There are such things that i can’t provide you with that he can but you know that i could compensate. Whatever happened to the “I will fight for this” and to the “I promise not to let you go”?

My friends are all frustrated to know that among all my past relationships, it is you that grieved the most. I’m not a perfect 10 but i dated guys who are. But my friends said that your just a 5 and why all the “crying over you”? I don’t know what I have seen in you. You’re average looking, not even tall, not even smart nor rich. But why is it when you look at me and smile i melt?

I’m trying my best to move on with my life now. It’s been two months and I know you’re trying your best to make me feel that i don’t worth anything to you now. I’m dating other guys who, according to my friends evaluation, way better than you are in every aspect. I think i’m doing a good progress coz i know it’s working. Forgetting about you takes a lot of effort and distractions. It’s hard coz i see you everyday in the office and every time i see you you remind me of the big wound that you slashed in my chest.

I hope things will better for the both of us soon. I’m not dreaming of us getting back together anymore. I have now seen the bigger picture and saw how unintelligent it was for us to be together. But that didn’t change any single bit of care that i feel for you. No matter what happen. I still wish you well.

Red to Mac ‘n Cheese

P.S. I wanna invite you in my birthday party but i dont know how.