My first heartbreak.

Nothing was ever supposed to stem from that rock star week make-out session, feelings were definitely not supposed to happen. The first couple of days I just thought that you were just some cute senior that thought I was kind of attractive. I started to realize that it was not just going to be a fling for a week or two when you saw the other guy kiss me at the party that was on Friday. I have never had anyone get jealous when another guy was giving me attention. That night was the night that you opened up to me first when we were talking on the street.

You told me about your ex-girlfriend who cheated on you after a long relationship, I think you said three years. The second you told me about her was the second that I think I started getting actual feelings for you that were more than just attraction. We continued to “hook-up” for the rest of the semester and when Christmas break came I definitely thought that that was the end of ever talking to you besides possibly saying the polite “hello” when we saw each other at parties. We snap chatted a decent amount and texted a little bit, but snap chat is really when we communicated. January term came around and that’s the first time a boy has ever hurt me.

I was excited to see you because as much as I didn’t want to admit that I had actual feelings for you and that I maybe, kinda, sorta missed you over break. I saw you the first Friday that I was back at the house that we always partied at. I knew that I was going to see you that night so I tried to look extra good. When I saw you at first I got butterflies in my stomach; I felt like a little girl in grade school that had a crush on a boy. We had a good night at the house and after the party ended we walked back to my dorm and hooked up. We had to leave the room because other people started coming in. We left the room and as we were walking down stairs you said that we needed to talk. We proceeded to the basement of the dorm. We sat down on the couch but there was a good amount of space between us.

You started talking about how you’re a senior and I’m a freshman and how we couldn’t work and how you never wanted to get into a relationship and I agreed with you because at the time I didn’t think that I wanted a relationship. After that you started ranting about how freshman are immature and that I care too much about what people think, in particular, my two best friends. I responded to that with a question for you, “then why do continue to talk and hook-up if I’m just an immature freshman?” it just didn’t make sense to me. You answered that by saying something about how I’m not like a typical freshman girl and that I am more mature than most people my age. After you said that I don’t think that I have ever been more confused in my life. You first told me that I was just an immature freshman and then told me that I am not immature like most freshman…like what? Dude make up your mind.

I don’t remember how our conversation ended but all I remember is I walked up stairs and you took some random door out of the basement and you basically disappeared. I woke up that Saturday feeling hurt and confused. I have never wanted to not see anyone else more in my life but I also wanted to see you. These feelings were crazy. I literally have never felt that before in my life. That night the frat decided to have a party and I had never been more excited to go there in my life because I for sure thought you were not going to be there. But much to my surprise, you were. The second I saw you when I walked in my stomach dropped. It was horrible let me tell you.  I was sad and wanted to forget what happened but I wasn’t planning on drinking too much, just enough to get a good drunkness feeling on.

When I saw you that thought went out of the window when I saw you. I definitely admit that the way I went about trying to forget is not healthy and should not happen. Later during the party you texted me while we were still in the same room “I wanna apologize for my harsh attitude last night. I was tired and intoxicated. I don’t want you to think I’m a dick but I just want you to know that I am sorry.” I appreciated that you said this but I was also annoyed and frustrated that you couldn’t just come up to me and say that. I responded with a short and bitchy “it’s fine” and your response was “k”. After that I felt like a bitch so I texted you telling you that I wasn’t trying to be a bitch or anything.

The rest of the night at the party was a bit of a blur so I am not exactly sure what else happened. You texted me that night to go to after hours at your friend’s house and so I went and got my friend and we went. That after party was weird because you were acting really distant and weird and it didn’t make sense because after all, you’re the one who invited me I didn’t invite myself. I have never gotten the amount of mix signals from one person then you send me. I went back home after that for break and I don’t think that we communicated in any way since the frat party night until the day I got back to campus you sent me a friendly text and it literally threw me through a loop.

I think that you know exactly when I am starting to get over you or when I’m not thinking about you because you’re name always pops up on my phone. I was still so sad about our situation from j-term, so naturally I’m going to tweet sad song lyrics and subtweet about you; it’s just what girls do. You definitely knew that they were about you and I figured that you would figure it out because I mean come on an idiot could figure it out. Naturally you texted me asking me if I was okay because of my “sad tweets lately” let me tell you that was frustrating.  It was still weird between us until the CEO party. That is when we started hooking up again I believe.

We went our separate ways after the party but you sent me the typical late night text asking me to come over. I think you knew that I was nervous to go to your house because I was a virgin and I was afraid that you were going to make me do something that I was not ready for. But looking in retrospect I know you wouldn’t pressure me into anything. I didn’t end up going over that night but it was nice just seeing you and having it be not awkward and normal. March 1st, 2014 was the day that I gave you everything that I had to offer. I left in a hurry after and I’m pretty sure that I tweaked out after. This year my birthday fell on the day that everyone celebrated St. Paddy’s day and we were together a good amount of the day (from what I remember) and it was nice hanging out with you. At night you went to the bar and I went to the other football house by the frat but you ended up leaving the bars early and showed up at the party.

I’m not going to lie that made me feel good because you seemed like you actually cared about hanging out with me. I guess looking back on it you probably were just trying to get laid which makes me feel like absolute shit. Before spring break you had a rugby social which ended up in you being a complete ass and me feeling like a dumb bitch (you’re really good at that by the way). Spring break could not come soon enough; I just needed a break from anything that had to do with you. But I don’t know why I would ever think that things would be different from all the other times we have been on break for school. You started mass snapping me and responded to my mass snaps.

You eventually started texting me towards the end of break. I am such an idiot for thinking that you actually cared how I was doing or just what was up with my life. You strategically contact me so that I don’t forget about you and so that it lays the ground work for when we got back to school. We got back to school and you were nice again and asked me and my friends to go to your house to watch the hawk’s game. I didn’t go to your house and I am so happy about that.   A couple weeks went by and my sister was in town and I brought her to your house because you and your roommates were having a party. You barely gave me the time of day when we were there and you were a complete ass around my sister. The weekend after that was a rugby social at a different house. My friend and I showed up around 1 and I was not expecting to see you but you were unfortunately there. This night was probably the worst night I have had to date.

You were flirting with another girl and she was grossly grinding on you and what made it worse is you kept checking to see if I was looking. After that night I never wanted to talk to you ever again and I have never been so happy that someone was graduating and leaving here. After that night I honestly didn’t think that your name would ever pop up on my phone but of course it did… 3 weeks later. It wasn’t saying something like ‘hey sorry did that. It was really disrespectful.’ Just something like that showing me that you aren’t a complete heartless asshole but YOU PROVED ME WRONG AGAIN. You asked me if I had something and if you could have some. I was so mad but I gave it to you anyway because I think in the back of my mind that it would make you want me… pathetic, I know.

That Saturday I was hanging out with two of your roommates and friends at your house and then we went to the soccer house and of course you were there. The second you walked into the room I looked at you and immediately gave you the cold shoulder. I was talking to my friend and one of your roommates and while the three of us were talking you were sitting on the couch by yourself staring at us and then you sent me the most unfair text message “hey, you being close to him had me really jealous….. I miss you.” That was the biggest bunch of bullshit I have ever seen and I didn’t acknowledge it. My friends and I were leaving and you asked to talk to me and I agreed thinking it would only be a couple of minutes, I was wrong. I have no idea how long us fighting out on the street lasted but I have been told over an hour or two.

I remember you yelling that you cared about me and that if we were the same age we would be dating. You just kept going on and on about how much you care for me and I had just had enough because we both know that you don’t care about me in the slightest. You have been hooking up with random girls the whole time that I have felt this way about you and you supposedly cared for me. You like the idea of me when you’re wasted but any other time I am nothing to you. You are always so full of shit and I finally, after all this time, I have realized it. When we were on the street and I would try to leave and you would run in front of me and grab me with both of your hands and shake me or grab my head by my jaw and shake while squeezing me. I have never cried over a boy, that is my number one rule.

I try to live by the saying “don’t cry over anyone that wouldn’t cry over you” and that night I felt like a fool because I cried. You made me cry. You made/make me feel like a pile of garbage. No boy has ever touched me the way that you did that night. No one has ever put their hands on me that way and no boy will ever do that again. You make me feel like I am a waste of space when you don’t want to be with me or even acknowledge me, or better yet, all I need is to be treated with respect and I now demand it. It sickens me that I let this go on for so long. You were my first heartbreak and I know that everyone has to go through it but I also know that some people mope around and don’t learn from the heartbreak and constantly go through the same kind of relationship just with different significant others. That will not be me. I am much too smart and independent to fall into that again.

When we were fighting in the street I said to you at one point “congratulations on graduating and have a nice life.” I still mean what I said.

I have said all that I needed to about this. You have taken enough of my time and energy and I am finally taking it back.