Dear N,

I didn’t want to write you after the shock I got. Well I call it a shock or maybe I should not. Because I had a lot of shocks in my life to which this was really nothing. I decided that time, I wouldn’t have contacts with you anymore. You said that I am not the perfect man. I accepted it. I am not writing this letter to explain the worst things I did to myself afterwards but to tell you how much I loved you and missed you which I still do and will do it forever.

Its 4am in the morning and I don’t have any sleep in my eyes. It has been really long since I really slept well. These four walls, the window, the door, these are just calling one name, your name, Natka, but you are not here. Even there was a night, I went to the door of 848 and cried suddenly, I even knocked on the door. There was no answer. I had to do it. I was really out of control. Even these days I don’t even cook, I don’t even go to the kitchen. It makes me remember the sweet and joyful times, cooking together. Even if I go to the kitchen, I kept looking to the table and chairs, where we used to sit. Do you remember, just before you left on 15th august, you had your breakfast and you were sitting in my position where I used to sit, I was on your sit?

21st May 2014

I am telling you these things, not to bring you back in my life or so that you tell me that you love me but to let you know how I felt for you. You have to know them. I start from the very beginning. On the night of 21st may, we had a long chat and afterwards you hugged me so strongly, I would always feel that hug on my chest because I understood at that time, the love you had for me, the whole day you missed me a lot. Do you remember that in the previous day, you went with me to buy some stamps for the letters and I asked how long you are staying and then we went to our classes? As I missed the bus, I walked to the university all the way, and this was the worst time I had in my life, that someone I loved so much I wouldn’t be able to see her anymore. I was crying louder inside. You took me into the jungle that night and told me that you loved me. For the first time in my life, I thought myself to be a lucky person. I will never forget this date when the most beautiful girl of this world told me that she loves me. You know, I liked your everything, your hat, your smile, your voice, your earrings, your painting,  your different way of walking, different faces at different times, your dresses, skirts, t-shirts, the things you did, the things you touched, the places where we were together, the things we did together. I never had courage to sing before I have met you. I was the happiest person of this world. I never thought about the day you will leave, I didn’t want to. Because I knew that we only needed to have patience in this kind of long distance thing, I saw that patience in your eyes.

16th August 2014

It was a Saturday, 6pm. We were talking and singing in Skype. Suddenly you tell me that you miss me only as a best friend but not as we were before. My heartbeat slowed down for a moment and when you told me that I am not the perfect one for you, my heart literally stopped beating. I stopped all types of contacts with you. The next day you called me and you were crying like a little baby. I asked for the reasons and you said you were looking for the answers. I was surprised that what the questions can be. I never thought like that. I only thought that whatever happens, we need to be together in future, otherwise who will take care of my loving angel? I tried my best to hold my nerves but I couldn’t. I kind of burnt my right hand; it was an accident, its ok right now except that it’s a bit black. I stopped eating and sleeping and as a result I have real pain in my chest. I was kind of feeling that someone is taking my soul out of my body. I didn’t know how you were feeling, you didn’t tell me. You didn’t even have a wish to ask me how I was feeling in the following two weeks. Then I received a letter about your feelings. You told me that you want to see me and listen to me every day. You cry after each conversation we have. You miss me which you don’t tell me, even if when you do tell me, you say that you miss me only as a best friend. But what I want to say is, even best friends never miss each other like this. If they do then they are more than best friends, they are soul mates. You said you want to hear from me every day but almost all the time stupidly I start the conversation. On 10 September you didn’t even write to me. I even said ‘hey’ to you on Skype but you didn’t reply.  I don’t understand what is going on with you.

Still I told you that I will wait for your answer without any expectations of listening anything positive. Yes I will wait. I didn’t even ask for a single thing you did within 16th August and 10th of September. I will never do because I know that I love you and I don’t ask questions on everything my partner does.

I really don’t know how much clear I have made myself to you but you will see my patience. I will wait till the last day, till the end. Till that, I will love you.

J

11. Sep 2014