Sam

I need your help. Even if it’s silent, I need it.

What could I have ever done to deserve to be treated the way you treated me.

What can I do now to escape from the mess you left behind.

How can I understand what I did wrong, or what you did wrong..how can I move on from this?

Oh God I just want to move on from this.

You gave me no closure when you dumped me like an utterly meaningless person from your life.

After I gave you every little part of me that was left.

Sam how can I recover from this. WHEN will I recover from this is actually a better question..because I can’t see an end right now. You gave me no closure. You gave me no choice, and you gave me no compassion.

I barely made it through my Semester, I failed all my assignments, I lost 8 kilos, I didn’t eat or sleep (still don’t many nights) Every now and then I have to tell the kids where Sam is..because I cannot face the failure of telling them you didn’t want me. I told them you went back to Ireland and I can’t tell them Sam..I just can’t let them see me like this. Eddie still thinks you are coming here for Xmas day.

I don’t understand. I need closure..I feel like you have stolen something from me.

I don’t understand how you could discard me so easily. How you could try and replace me with someone INSTANTLY like I was worth nothing. When to me you were the whole world and nobody could have ever replaced you.

Was I really worth nothing?

You have left an ugly  mark on me. I can’t even imagine even speaking to another man, not because of how much I loved you, but because you took the last shred of faith I had and replaced it with fear and even more grief. Why did you do that to me Sam?

Did I really deserve all that for telling you you were “unnecessarily cruel”? Did I really deserve all this punishment? Do you understand what you have done to me?

I had battled and climbed, and fallen over and cried and fought all year to gain a foothold on myself in the face of immeasurable difficulties’ and heartbreak. I showed you all of this, and I even apologised for it over and over..because it made me weak, and I’m not normally a weak person. I was aware of my battle, and how it affected you (because you were fighting your own too) and I constantly apologised for it…I was so grateful for your understanding and your love.

I felt so deeply, and so emphatically, and so compassionately for you..that I genuinely thought nothing could come between us. In reality you knew little of the MASSIVE battle I fought within myself all along..the mornings and the nights when I have to face my past in every tiny area of my life, at school, at the shops, even at sports days and the doctors..there is no escape from the constant reminders of my past.

I used all my strength just to walk with my head high while all those around me took control of my direction. Yet I gave you everything I had left.

Why do I have to shoulder all the blame for this as well? Why do I have to live like this when you yourself have not taken part of the blame, in fact, you justified your actions to be right and pure and that all of this can only be ALL MY FAULT.   I feel utterly and totally destroyed by how you treated me. Not the fact that you didn’t want me anymore..but THE WAY that you did it.

The way you did it stole everything that was left of me Sam. And yet..I can’t forget you and I can’t stop feeling love for you. I don’t want to..I want to hate you..I want you to KNOW that I don’t need you, and most of all I want to unwind those torturous threads of you that are STILL interwoven throughout my soul and my heart..and I just want them to be gone and LIVE MY LIFE.

I don’t want to Love you Sam. You took everything off me…I don’t want to Love you.

I don’t want to Love you.

But  I do.