Dear S,

I know, that your life is at a tangent from mine and our world don’t collide anymore. I know, that your reason was good enough for you, but not for me. I know, that you still want to be friends actively, and meet up for hot chocolate time and again. I know that i didn’t want any sort of contact with you. I know, that i still don’t. I know, that I have moved on and am learning, how to gracefully accept your advances to friendship and i’m trying to be mature about it. I’m trying, because i know i’m capable of it. I do not understand why would you want to be friends with me, even when i make no effort and give off vibes that truly indicate that i’m done with you, entirely. Why can’t you just let me be? I don’t want to ask you to explicitly eff-o because i think it is rude. It’s like i’m playing along to this game of pseudo-friendship just because you’re throwing the dice at every turn. How do I make you stop?

But this letter isn’t to tell you pick up your chitterlings. This letter is to thank you. Truly, from my little, black heart. This was my first relationship, and it really affected me. Thank you, for making me realise that i could feel so much. I never knew I was capable of it. These feelings, were fantastical, something that i’d only heard of in books, movies and through second hand experiences.

Thank you, for making me realise my worth. When I was with you, I realised i deserved better. This isn’t your fault. It’s just that, I needed more than what you could ever offer. I expected too much, I hoped too much. Nothing, i felt was in moderation and it made me into someone, I am not. Thank you for making me understand that the ‘me’ i was with you, wasn’t truly who i was. It was just me trying to conform to the idea of who you thought i was. It was strenuous.

Thank you for making me realise what freedom is, because after you broke up with me, I felt relieved instead of sad. At first, atleast i did. It’s like you broke all the iron bars to my bird cage and made me realise that birds are meant to fly, even if they are scared to leave the cage, lest they fall. But i flew, just like i had before.

My best friend remarked that ‘something, had died in me’ when i got back home after spending 3 months with you. I blamed it on the dismal weather. She now tells me, that i’m no longer so dead. Thank you for making me realise how it is, to be alive. I wouldn’t have known, without you.

   Thank you for making me realise how important friends are, because you didn’t have many. After you broke up with me, I realised that my friends, who i had side tracked in the past, were still standing in the wings waiting for me. You made me realise, how important it is, to talk to people and actively reach out to people. You always hesitated to do that. I now know so many kindred spirits because of this.

You’re reaching out to me, and i wonder what to do because not reciprocating seems a little harsh and i’m not too sure about cutting ties altogether as you did affect me. You were my first- my first kiss, first dance, first boyfriend. You were also, my very first lesson on life. Thank you, for giving me back to myself.

Hope you always get what you truly deserve in life,

Love,

A