C,

I’ve been reading through every letter on this site, and each different letter leaves it’s own impression on my mind.  There are some differences in details, but sentiments sound the same.  Some I’d be damned if you didn’t write them yourself.  I can see so much of what I used to be in those letters, and the lump in my throat gets bigger, and the knots in my stomach get tighter.  It makes me sick to even consider I treated someone the way I see in these letters.

I know I may have seemed downright emotionless at times; that the affection I did show was an act, or like a mask I would wear.  That I made empty promises, or said things I never intended on following through with.  Making someone feel inadequate, or like they didn’t matter.  A multitude of things you could do to tear someone apart on so many different levels.  I wish I would have found this site sooner, so I could have had that mirror held up sooner.

That’s what I keep saying in my head at least.  Except I know that, unfortunately, I wasn’t willing to look in the mirror then; literally and figuratively.  I won’t try to deny I was guilty of many of the things I see in these letters, and each painful jab from each letter is another lesson learned, and another “building block” I apply.  Another reminder what not to be, what not to do, and what not to turn into.  At the same time, it’s invigorating and motivating.

It gives me even more goals to obtain.

However, you, C, specifically, I want, nay, NEED to thank, from the bottom of my heart.  You were such a radical shock to my system, such a radical departure from everything I’d known.  It pains me to think you never saw it, that I withheld that knowledge from you, but you touched me, to the very core of my being.  You showed me, proved to me, that ‘the dream’ could be reality, and, the more time I had to reflect on all the ways this was true, the more it started to change me.  Very slowly, but it took root.

Unfortunately, you ‘planted that seed’ in ‘the middle of the night’.  You made me so very happy, and you brought so much ‘sunshine’ to my life, but I was in a dungeon.  I wanted you to be my way out, and you were, but you were just a window to the sunny fields outside my dungeon.  It pains me and fills me with such deep remorse and regret that you had to love me through a window.  At the same time, it’s that very love that started to rip the ceiling, floor, and walls away from my dungeon.

If it ever felt like you were dealing with a prisoner, you were.  You were speaking to me from the prison I locked myself into when I was eight years old because I didn’t understand and couldn’t cope with how my world was changing so radically.  I saw, and often used, this prison as a suit of armor, and year after year, I kept adding more and more energy and effort to my ‘personal defense budget’.  At the same time, I was capable of such mental gymnastry as to perceive the armor as never being there.  Being completely oblivious that I was the owner, operator, and overseer of it’s construction.

For saying ‘1984’ was one of my favorite books of all time, I find it sadly humorous I was oblivious to my own ‘doublethink’.

Everything that you were, and are, was a reflection of the boy that locked himself away so many decades ago.  That had conditioned himself to believe he deserved to be in that prison until he died.  Who, year after year, added more chains, and more walls, and more security features to “keep intruders out”, as well as keep himself inside.  You, the ‘sunshine’ I regretfully abused, changed everything.  You found a crack in my foundation, and you planted a seed.

You showed me that the loving relationships I’d seen in television shows and movies, and read about in novels and stories, were not just illusions fed to placate people, blinding them to the ‘reality’ that people are vindictive and manipulative.  Unfortunately, for the twenty odd years before I met you, that’s all I knew of people.  Vindictive and Manipulative easily describe interactions in every friendship, relationship, and social interaction I’d had up to that point in my life.  It’s what I grew accustomed to, and what I grew to be convinced was all I would ever get from this world in this life.  It makes me want to scream and laugh at the sheer madness of it all; to finally see it was all not only a prison, but a crutch as well.

I had designed, built, and locked myself into, an iron lung!

Your love of reading touched upon the love I had and repressed when I was young.  Your energy and personality touched upon the energy and personality I had when I was young.  Your empathy and care touched upon the empathy and care I had when I was young.  Your values, especially the value of effort, touched upon values I held when I was young.  Everything you were was a reflection of the little boy that locked himself away, and it VIOLENTLY shook him from his self-induced coma.

Initially, I was not happy with the prospect of being ‘awoken’.  My mind was so backwards and poisoned I thought ‘awake’ was the ‘dream’.  But your influence was like…God, pardon the sloppy metaphor, but a beautiful virus, that slowly ate away at the corrosion and corruption in my mind, heart, and soul.  I am so very sorry you had to suffer, and I’m sorry I hurt you so badly, so deeply, but the abuse was a defense mechanism.  Everything within me was resisting with every bit of energy it had that ‘reality’ had somehow found it’s way into my life.

When it was all over, when you could no longer bear the toxicity, you walked away.  My ‘prison’, which had evolved into something more akin to a parasitic symbiotic organism (think ‘Venom’, or more like ‘Carnage’, from ‘Spiderman’) did as it did, and reacted with anger and vitriolic negativity.  However, the little boy that saw light through the prison bars for the first time in decades was absolutely devastated.  He was so devastated he cried and ached for days afterwards.  His pain was only multiplied days later when my grandmother passed.  While ‘Venom’ continued to rage on the outside, the boy inside was starting to wiggle his fingers and toes, slowly slipping out of his coma.

The events between when you left and when I ‘woke up’ are a blur, and, to be honest, I am sort of glad you weren’t around to see what I became in the process of ‘waking up’.  It was a process of metamorphosis, and a very ugly one at that, but every ugly ‘transformation’ was a calculated step in the process.  I tricked my own defense mechanism, basically.  I fed myself essential positive information laced with vitriolic bullshit to keep my ‘security system’ out of position to stop me.  I started positioning ‘sleeper cells’ in various positions around my ‘prison’ until, one day, I made the call, and we rioted.

One day, about a week before Thanksgiving, I felt like ‘the lights came on’ in my head.  It was the most intense feeling I’d had since you first touched me and my life.  It felt like you could sit me atop a rotating pole on the coastline to warn ships of dangerous waters.  I was so excited, I could hardly contain myself.  I felt like I had complete control of myself for the first time since I locked myself away.

It felt like magic.  I could think things AND do them; the two weren’t separate entities anymore.  Everything I put my mind to doing I did with ease, and with little to no resistance.  I felt free.  I remembered you saying that word, freedom, and I instantly stopped my ‘mental frolic’.  I turned back, and I saw the dungeon, but it was different.

I decided to look at your Facebook page, as that child in me still wanted to feel that ‘sunshine’ again, or at least know it was still ‘sunny’.  I saw the pictures you had posted, in the arms of your new man.  It was…hard to describe, really.  There was pain, but no anger…no desire to lash out.  It surprised me, but also made me happy, to see you smiling and moving on, and achieving the things you want in life.

While part of me misses that ‘sunshine’, romanticizes the time I spent in it, and wishes I could feel it again, I also felt peace and happiness just knowing ‘the sun was shining’.  I sat in the ruins of my prison, playing games with the chains and the walls.  At this point I had figured out the prison was nothing more than a cheap mental construct, and I could ‘materialize’ or ‘dematerialize’ chains, walls, and other things at will.  That little boy had scribbled your name all over the walls of his personal holding chamber, and that’s when the gravity of it all hit me.  Even though it wasn’t ‘physically there’ to be ‘tangibly given’, my empathetic sense could ‘feel’ the love that was embedded in the walls.

That’s when I gave myself my first ‘real mission’ after ‘regaining control of myself’.  I wanted to find all of the ways I could tarnish and ruin something so beautiful, identify what they were, and change myself so I could never do that to someone again.  I had nothing to go off of except the memories etched into the walls, so I started with the ones that were the ‘most freshly etched’.  ‘Feminism’ was the last, and most prominently etched, thing on the walls.

I had been researching ‘social dynamic constructs’ a few months before we broke up, and, unfortunately, I started my research on the topic with extreme examples, such as Valenti and Dworkin.  I’m thinking that’s why it got ‘such a warm reception’ when we talked about it, or when it came up in discussion.  I was angry over something I didn’t understand, and didn’t understand that I didn’t understand it.  I know it’s contrary to the me you knew, but that little kid loves dirt under his fingernails (actually, he has more fun scraping it out from under them, but that’s beside the point).  I had faith…something told me that, if I kept digging, eventually it would all make sense.

It did.  Eventually, everything snapped into place, and it felt like even more lights started flickering on in my head.  While I was happy and relieved to have ‘found the treasure’ after such an arduous exploration, that’s also the first time I felt crushing pain since ‘waking up’.  Because, when the idea of ‘rape culture’ finally sunk in, I didn’t just think of you, but every girl I’d been with prior to meeting you.  My perspective on the dynamics of those relationships flip-flopped.

The very core of my belief structure had changed in the blink of an eye, and, the more I learned, the more it shifted.  I saw ‘wrong’ in so many things I had done.  Not just to you, but so many others, even those I was never as close to.  The more I contemplated, and the more I saw, the more sick and repulsed by my own behavior I felt.  It was awful, and every atom in my physical structure recoiled in horror, but I knew I couldn’t turn away; I had to learn from this.

Somehow, I believe you managed to teach me that ‘the mirror’ was not an awful thing, but an essential tool.

Did you know it was mid-hit that it finally dawned on me that the drugs were a crutch, and not a liberator?  It sounds so ridiculously stupid in retrospect, but it all made sense.  That fucking ‘doublethink’ I was so proficient in.  I *knew* of the negative repercussions of using, but I believed the loose association with reality to be a benefit at the time.  But I had grown even more addicted to feeling in control of myself, so it was quickly 86’d without hesitation.

The ‘friend’ I never stood up to, the one that referred to you as genitalia, hasn’t been spoken to since around the start of November.  Because I not only stood up to him, but stood up for myself and my beliefs in his presence.  Many people have been getting their share of an earful or ‘a pink slip’ for abusive behavior, and, inasmuch, I can’t blame you for the ‘pink slip’ you gave me.  I truly understand, completely.  I’ve spent too damn long in a dungeon, and will not settle for less than ‘sunshine’ ‘on my team’.

To share the sentiment of something you had posted; ‘off with your fucking head’.

You helped me with my fear of transformation by showing me other things change in response.  The ‘like attracts like’ theory, I guess.  My word, you’ve helped me in innumerable ways.  I suppose that’s why I’ve been so obsessed with you lately.  I am compelled; I absolutely must express my sorrow and remorse, but also my joy and appreciation.

You may never know the countless ways you’ve helped me; to see the truth, and not only to change, but that resistance is absolutely a futile waste.  You answered the hypothetical question I pondered for so long.  I see you as the living embodiment of ‘what could have been’.  While I regret the many years I squandered in stagnation, I’m more excited and motivated simply by the existence of the fire you sparked within me.  That change can happen at any time, and at will, as long as you put your effort into it.

I know, it sounds like a no-brainer, and even I’m ashamed of my density in this case.  Still, I appreciate learning the lesson.  I know you tried your damnedest to get this through to me in so many ways, and I can understand frustration turning into contempt and resentment.  Please, try to understand that where I was at the time, I was deeply indoctrinated in the ways of ‘doublethink’.  Where the truth is lies, the truth is the truth, lies are lies, and lies are the truth.

It’s when I came to understand feminism that I saw the full extent to which I was a prisoner of my own mind.  That, just like the prison I had put myself in as a child, the social dynamic I believed in were also prisons; not only to women, but to everyone.  I felt deeply ashamed for trying to force you into any of the many cells there are in that prison.  It was after I understood, and could see my own potential, that I came to appreciate the person you’ve become.  There is absolute, true, exquisite beauty in what you are and what you’ve become, and I apologize deeply, with great shame in my heart, for anything I would say or do to make you, and myself, think otherwise.

I feel it dangerous to say this in a way that is very open, but, should I face any repercussion for what I am about to say, then it is only just it should happen.  If anything, I hope it should serve as a warning to anyone who may read this.

I have not only shamed myself, but you as well, for all of the ways I abused you through sex and sexuality.  Your body is not a vessel meant for my enjoyment, nor for me to gain validation through.  Yes, two people can have sex simply because they want to and it feels good, but only when two people mutually consent of their own free will.  I’m sorry for every time I would pressure you into ‘playing along’, and not having the presence of mind to stay in control of myself and my desires, as well as extend you the respect you deserve, to respect a half-hearted “I’m not really in the mood” as “no”.  It makes me physically sick to my stomach to think of how many times that happened, and I feel this is the worst, most insidious way I hurt you the entire time I knew you.

I didn’t think of it as a violation at the time.  That it was okay to keep nagging because, somehow, nagging isn’t abuse, right?.  That it was okay to objectify you, because women liked being objectified, right?  That you wouldn’t do something you really didn’t want to do, no matter how many times you said no previously, right?  Jesus Christmas on a pony, please forgive me; I had *no* idea how wrong I was!

It makes me sick.  It literally makes me sick.  To think of the way I used to think, it makes me fucking sick.  And nobody had any kind of problem with it (examples of internalized misogyny?) until I met you.  If I’d have never met you, I’d have never woken up and realized what I was doing, and, for that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I think of so many different things in such a radically different light because of you and your influence.  I think of MYSELF in such a radically different way because of you.  You influenced SO much positive change and growth within me, and for all you’ve done to help me I’m am eternally grateful.  Perhaps it could be seen as over-dramatic or hyperbolic, and perhaps there’s truth in that, but I believe it nonetheless.  You saved my life, C.

You saved my life, and I don’t know how to thank you.  I wouldn’t know how to thank you if I’d have never hurt you, and it’s that much harder trying to figure it out having done so, and to such a severe extent.  I pray to God somehow you read this, even if you never speak to me again.  There is no justice in this world if you never know all you’ve done for me, influenced in me, helped to change in me, and how grateful I am for all of it.  How grateful I am to have had you in my life those years, and how deeply sorry I am for ever causing you pain.

You’ve helped change the way I see the world.  I’m sure it helps to be processing information with a sober mind, but you played a part in influencing my cleaning up as well.  I send you a message through Facebook, but I can’t be sure if you’ll ever read it.  I’m not on your friend list, so they send messages sent from non-friends to an ‘other’ file that people don’t really seem to know is there (I was oblivious to it anyway).  I told you that was my last attempt at trying to talk to you, because I truly can understand if you never wish to speak to me again.  However, I had to leave a public admission of everything I’d learned because of you.

Even if I never speak to you again, you have to know the truth of what you’ve inspired in me.  Somehow.  I’m terribly sorry I was an absolute piece of shit 95% of the time.  I can’t blame you if you don’t believe any of it was real, but I felt it all, and I knew you were special.  I really tried to give it everything I had, and I regret so deeply I had so little to give.

Please, I beg you, if you do anything at all, keep being the wonderful woman that touched my heart, under all of the walls and defenses, and got it to beat again.

Keep being the ‘sunshine’ that changed my life, because you’ll surely do so for many others, and they should likely be just as grateful for you.

And please, should you be better off away from me, stay there, and never worry.  Remember that Brother Ali song I showed you, ‘Puppy Love’?  For one, I know my behavior betrayed it, but the prisoner within me meant all of the sentiment expressed in that song.  Secondly, I’m am just fine with you doing what is best for you, and would have it no other way.  I will, as said in the song, ‘twist through time with a smile knowing you’re free’.