I’m writing because it’s so incredibly hard moving forward. I keep having a conversation with you in my head. So I feel like I need to write one last letter to get these thoughts out. Maybe for closure. Maybe as a cathartic “goodbye”.

You did tell me that you didn’t know who you were anymore & that you didn’t want to date anyone. The way I found out still hurts. I was devastated. I didn’t understand how you could jump into a new relationship so quickly. You told me you wanted to live your life as though you didn’t have a boyfriend, & now you have a new boyfriend.

You brought up old issues that we discussed when you were last here. Ones that I apologized for & regret in ways you’ll never know. My memory is generally bad but I haven’t forgotten all the reasons why you ended our relationship. I think about them all the time & I’ve worked on them aggressively for my own happiness. But it seems you’ve hung on to all my faults & the person that I was 6 months ago. It seems you forgot everything we discussed in Syracuse, which I thought was incredibly healing & a big step for the both of us. You tell me I should forgive myself while reminding me of how horrible I was. I do love & take care of myself but I will always be so sorry for having a part in making you cry. That’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.

I do remember you crying but you were always very emotional. Not just around me, but around other people too. You also told me you were committed to the relationship. So I thought, “hey, we’ll get through this together”. I figured it would all be worked out & that peace was on the horizon. There was an entire month of no real communication between the lake talk & our break up & I wish I pulled you aside. But we were constantly surrounded by other people. It seems you drifted away while I was finally starting to change.

  I thought I had all the time in the world to improve things. You would call me “perfect” & “awesome”. I never felt perfect (maybe a little awesome) but I truly never thought I would lose you. Does this mean you’re to blame for my inaction? You would tell me to take all the time I needed, but I am responsible for resting on that.

I wish I pushed myself more & I’d even be selfish enough to say I wish you pushed me more. A relationship is a two-way street after all. But you told me to take all the time I needed. I guess what I wish from you was that you called me up & said “Chris, we need to figure this out or we need to break up because I’m not happy anymore” instead of holding on to things as though they weren’t changeable. Either way, I can never tell you how sorry I am for missing all the signs.