I hate you. What you did to me that night erased any doubt from my mind. I loved you initially. But slowly you abused me. You beat me, and you monopolised me. I didn’t know who I was anymore. You rescued me. That’s what I thought. But all the time you were praying on my vulnerability. You sought me out and you pursued me. I’ll admit I wasn’t happy where I was. But you exploited that and led me to believe you’d be everything I needed. How wrong I was. 

It didn’t take long for the cracks to show. You are fractured. Your mind, your soul, it wasn’t real. On Xmas day you hurt me more than I ever thought possible. It wasn’t just the ribs you broke, or the eye you blacked, or my body as you stamped on it. It was everything I thought you were, and everything I thought we had, that you damaged. I believed I loved you. It was crazy and it was intense, but it was real. And in a punch of your fist, you ruined everything. You broke my heart.

I still think of you now. I hate you. I love you. It’s all jumbled up. I don’t know who to trust or what to believe. You’re ill. I loved you. How could you? How could you trap me like you did. You wouldn’t let me leave. When I tried, you threw me to the floor like a rag doll. Meaningless. I loved you. I tried to leave you. You wouldn’t let me. You broke into my house. My child; did you not care? We were a family once. Now she can’t listen to a noise without putting her hands over her ears and crying. You did that. With all your banging and how you stalked us. You betrayed me. I can’t forgive you and yet, I still search for you. I hate what you’ve done to me. You’re alright. Sleeping with this girl and that girl. And I’m here. Picking up the pieces.

You told me you loved me. What a joke. You don’t know the meaning of the word. All it means to you is control and pain and heartache. I hope you pay. I’d have gone to the end for what you did. I’d have looked at your pitiful face in the dock and told my truth. I’d have told them what you did to me in the car that night when you ripped my trousers and told me to be a good girl. I’d have seen it through. But you were released.

I hate you. I hate you for all the lies you told me, and all the pain you caused. I hate you for the effect you had on my daughter, and the scars you’ve left me. I hate you. I hate that the love I felt for you, for who I thought you were, remains, and yet the man I believed in is gone. I’m not sure he ever existed. I hate you. I hate how your life goes on while mine, and hers, is stuck in a place I can’t escape.

I hate you.

That’s all I’ve got to tell you. That’s all I’ve got to say.