How many days do I have to endure this pain of you leaving me. It’s just not fair. Your life exploded for you have a new lover, hanging with your friends more than ever. And no longer wanting or needing me. I still can’t sleep more than two hours at a time. It’s been a month of no sleep, it’s been a month of my mind spinning out of control. I have constant panic attacks when something even remotely reminds me of you. Constant thoughts of you wear me out. It’s just so sad. We were so close. So in sync, so in love. 

I have gone to counseling and taking Paxil to try to be happy even for a little while. I never pictured me as someone that would go to counseling and get prescription meds just to cope. I am going through all of this and you are fine and happy? It’s just not fair. I wish I could clamp onto something negative to snap me out of this funk. If I knew you were alone and this was killing you I could deal with this better somehow. But I know its the opposite for you. You are having fun and enjoying the excitement of a new relationship. I’m sure this guy is doting on you. I’m sure that he will be blown away with the sex. I was the one that brought you out of your shell sexually and opened new vistas for you. Now someone else gets the benefit of our sexual experimentation. Great. Ouch! I know in my heart that all the emotion you are dumping on him was for me. You needed an outlet and there he was. I’m sure you are head over heals already. There is no bad past with a new love its all roses. But I know in time you will get restless with him as you have with others in the past. Not to mention you are a serial cheater and a liar. Just a matter of time you will do it to this new guy as well. Too bad I won’t be around to see it.

I am beating myself up for now for not running to you when you first told me you couldn’t see me anymore. Looking back for what I can tell now you were looking to get a reaction of me to make things better between us and probably secretly wanted me to run to you and hold you and work things out. Instead I heeded your wish for NC and as result you meet someone else. Just bad timing and luck. I will always regret not running after you that day.

But it’s all in the past now. I don’t really see any way we could have a future short of him dumping you and you realizing you need me. But that is all just fantasy. The writing is on the wall. You are gone and no way to get you back, period. I just need to get over you but I don’t see an end in site. Again Just not fair!!!!!!!!! I wish I could hate you. I so want that to break me out of this funk.