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If you’ve ever had a relationship end, you’ll know it’s really easy to make bad decisions post break-up.

As a case in point, I was talking to a friend recently who’s going through a marriage break-up. There are young kids involved, she’s a wreck and she wanted to talk to me about all the big, scary decisions she was trying to make. In a hurry, no less.

This is, I think, the worst thing any heartbroken person can do. Because you’re not really thinking straight.

The days and weeks that follow a break-up are discombobulating in the extreme. You feel hopeless, helpless, sick with nerves and completely out of control. In the worst way, you just want your world to return to the way it used to look.

For me, the best way to describe how your brain feels at this point is like walking into your house and finding everything off-kilter – pictures are tilted, the cushions are all over the floor, clothes are spilling out of your wardrobe, the sink’s full of dirty dishes. Nothing’s in its rightful place.

And, it’s tempting at this time to flail around and do something, anything, to restore order, but it’s probably not a great idea when you’re clouded by sadness, desperation and in all likelihood, an irrational kind of panic that’s especially hard to ignore.

Acting on that troubled trifecta may well lead to those bad decisions post breakup that we look back on and feel sick about.

The kind of decisions that involve telling everyone your ex’s deepest secrets, badmouthing them or doing cringy oversharing on social media, texting when drunk, doing numerous drive-bys, sleeping with them, or … er, spray-painting their car.

Decisions you can and should make right now include anything involving long hot baths, good movies, books, boxset marathons, cups of tea, naps, walking by a river, sitting in the garden in the sun, or lying in some long grass watching the clouds drift by.

Anything else can wait until your temporary tilted world rights itself, and you’re in a better place.

Made any bad decisions post break-up yourself? Did you have any regrets?

I’ve written before about having good books on your bedside table when you’re heartbroken and always seem to be wide awake and weeping at 3am – and here are six break-up books I thoroughly recommend. There’s nothing wrong with a little self-help, or a memoir from someone who’s been in the broken-hearted trenches and climbed out the other side. (When you’re done with these, you can move on to sweary break-up colouring in books.)

Lovelands

By Dr Debra Campbell
This intriguing book is part self-help, part memoir – and it takes you on a journey of your ‘lovelands’ and the faultlines, crevasses and chasms created by past losses that we navigate in our emotional lives. A great book if you’re keen to stop repeating those damaging patterns (and choosing the wrong people to love).
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Heartburn

By Nora Ephron
Not self-help, granted – but one of my all-time favourite break-up books (and movies, starring Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson – if you haven’t seen it, Netflix it immediately). The book is autobiographical, about the end of Ephron’s marriage to journalist Carl Berstein – seen through the experiences of a cooking show host Rachel Samstat, who discovers her husband is cheating on her while she’s heavily pregnant with their child.
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Buddhism for Break-Ups

By Meshel Laurie
Aussie comedienne Meshel has experienced her fair share of break-up hell, including the end of a 19-year marriage. She shares how she used Buddhism to cope and some strategies you can try, too – to help you embrace change, differentiate between loneliness and being alone, and (my personal favourite), loving without attachment (ie, becoming a stalker).
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Who Am I Without You? 52 Ways to Rebuild Self-Esteem After A Break-Up

By Christina G Hibbert
There’s no doubt about it – break-ups give your self-esteem a real battering. So try this book, written by a psychologist and split into small chapters, each offering tips, tools and exercises to tackle your emotions, pick yourself back up and help you move on.
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This Is Not The Story You Think It Is

By Laura Munson
He told her he no longer loved her and wanted out of their marriage. She refused to accept it. While this compelling memoir won’t be everyone’s bag, it offers a fresh take on handling rocky patches you think are the end. Because sometimes, says Munson, they aren’t.
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It’s Called A Break-Up Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Break-Up Buddy

By Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt
An oldie but a goodie that’ll give you some real-life strategies for moving beyond the ‘BUT I WANT TO DIE I’LL NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE’ stage to something less debilitating. It’ll also make you laugh your head off, which is always ideal when you’re heartbroken.
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Have you got a stack of break-up books by the bed? What’s your favourite breakup book?

Whether you’re going through a break-up or know someone else who is, here are a few of my favourite things.

1. Four break-up wine labels.

When you’re heartbroken, it’s all about the little things that get you through. Set of 4, $8.89. Get it here

2. Personal Ice-Cream Maker

Forget those big Mastercheffy gadgets. This one can sit on your lap while you stir and eat, and sometimes during a break-up that’s pretty much all you’re capable of, right? $28.92. Get it here

3. I Never Liked Him Soap Dish

Because when someone you love is recovering from dating a total ass clown, soap dish solidarity is everything. Get it here

4. Dark Vader Toaster

At a time when you’re feeling about as empowered as a toenail clipping, you need something that helps you embrace your inner badass, every single morning. And this Darth Vader Toaster is a good start. $39.99. Get it here

5. Too Rad For Sad Pocket Mirror

You’ve got to have something uplifting for your bag when you’re feeling like crap, right? Get it here

6. Punch Bag Laundry Bag

You want to punch your ex’s lights out? We get it. Avoid a lawsuit and smash the hell out of this punching bag instead. Which doubles as a bag for all your dirty laundry at the same time. Just $27.28. Get it here

7. I Do This Thing Called Whatever I Want T-shirt

The silver lining with break-ups is answering to NOBODY. Your decisions. Your choices. But if you’re a bit wobbly and need to fake it til you make it, this tee has got you covered. $12.99. Get it here

8. Tears of Ex-Lovers Flask

Nothing like a tangible reminder that all your exes ARE out there, weeping and gnashing their teeth about how much they screwed up. Get it here

9. Adios Motherf*cker wine glass

Stemless and sandblasted so it’s also dishwasher safe, this is the glass you need when you’re really pissed at your ex. And drinking a lot. Get it here

10. Have A Nice Life Asshole Colouring In Book

Yeah, I’ve written about this one before, but I’m including it again because when it comes to break-ups you are gonna WANT this baby by your side. Get it here

11. Coloured Pencils roll

The perfect companion for your sweary adult colouring in book. In a nice little roll to keep it all safe and sound and perfect for carting with you to a cafe, a park, your therapist’s waiting room. $8.99. Get it here

12. Hey Girl Sleep Tea

Chamomile and Valerian root – just the things to help you relax body and mind and drift off into a stress-free sleep. 18 teabags in the pack. $17.99. Get it here

*Full disclosure – these are affiliate links so if you decide to buy, know that you’re helping keep LTME running (and me eating the occasional hot meal) Thanks so much.

I’ve been writing about dating, relationships and break-ups for a long time. And one thing I’m always asked about is the ‘no contact rule’. Should you do it? Who shouldn’t do it? What will the outcome be? Will you ever stop sniffing the t-shirt your ex left behind and crying? All very valid questions.

Now, as rules go, I’m as aware as anyone that no contact won’t work for everyone. If you have kids, for instance, you gotta communicate. No speakies in this scenario probably won’t benefit anyone.

But you could and probably should try the no contact rule if…
– You were dumped but he/she keeps coming back and giving you false hope
– You broke up because you’re not right for one another but can’t stop texting / tweeting each other
– You broke up, are trying to be friends and finding you keep – oops, falling into each other’s underpants
– You got cheated on but are wondering if your ex can change
– You feel like it’s impossible to move on because your ex is in your group of friends
– You’re friends with your ex and that’s fine but you can’t meet anyone that is equal to him/her or better
– You were dating a narcissist or were in an abusive relationship

Of course, the list above is limitless. There are literally HUNDREDS of possible scenarios in which you could put the no-contact rule into practice and benefit from it, in time. And by that I mean, you’ll feel freer. You’ll have more personal autonomy to make the choices that are best for YOU. You’ll feel stronger and more empowered in your life. You’ll stop thinking, ‘I will never love anyone like I loved him/her’ and starting thinking that maybe, actually, there might be someone better round the corner.

No contact, when you stick to it, can be MAGIC for helping you take the leap from sad and stuck to someone who’s strong, happy and rocking their single life.

Why? Because it gives you distance. It gives you a goal to work towards. It gives you time to heal, on your own terms. It gives you time to think, to assess and to process what went down and why. And it gives you perspective, rather than the rose-coloured glasses many of us insist on wearing after a split.

How to do it?
1. Remove the person from your phone, your social media accounts, your Whatssup – any app or means you have to contact him or her.
2. Resolve to not contact that person, see them or speak to them for a period of time (I recommend 3 months, to start). If you’re in the same friendship group, this might mean missing a few get-togethers. No biggie. It’s for your mental health.
3. Fill your calendar with stuff. Gym visits. Meet-ups with friends. Festivals. Movies you want to see. Keep busy!
3. Keep track of how you’re going and how you’re feeling. Reward yourself at each milestone with something special – a night out with friends, a new gadget or piece of clothing you’ve wanted for ages, a mini-break. I guarantee as the months go by, you’ll start feeling better and better.

Pain and cramps. Obsessive thoughts and cravings. Zero appetite. Yep, break-ups can have a pretty drastic effect on the body – but I’m guessing you already knew that if you’re going through one right now.

Let’s start at the top with your noggin: it’s going through some serious chemical withdrawal. In fact, all those obsessive thoughts and cravings for your ex are likened to an addict withdrawing from a drug, according to scientists – because break-ups trigger the part of the brain associated with dopamine release also seen in drug addiction.

Your heart can actually hurt. Broken Heart Syndrome is a THING. In fact, cardiologists say that in some people, the risk of heart attack rises substantially after a break-up.

It’s also thought that elevated cortisol in the brain (the stress hormone) sends messages to your muscles, sending them into ‘fight or flight’ mode, and causing you to tense up and feel aches and pains. Another fun knock-on effect of too much cortisol rampaging around your system is digestive upsets: cramps, pain, zero appetite.

And let’s not forget the worst bit: looking like a puffer fish after all that crying.

Take home message? It’s going to get better, but like the shampoo commercial, it’s not going to happen overnight. So be kind to yourself.

I recently shared a pic on Instagram of a car spray-painted with the words ‘I hope she was worth it’. If pictures tell a thousand words, that one is definitely an entire novel.

But it does beg the question: is revenge really sweet? Is it something you should do yourself when someone wrongs you? Hell to the no. And here’s why, kids.

1. Because it makes you feel worse. Seriously, the amusement or retribution you may feel in the moment will dissipate fast. There’s something to be said for being the dignified one after a break-up.
2. It gives your ex more ammo. If he or she thought you were batshit crazy before, doing something ridiculous like cutting off one leg of every pair of their jeans or hiding prawn shells in the curtain rods will not only convince them further of your dubious sanity, but give them a ‘my ex is nuts’ funny story to share with their mates. And that shit can follow you around for years.
3. It’ll make future partners think twice about dating you. No one wants to go into a love match fearful of what their date might do if things truly go pear-shaped.
4. It prolongs the ‘angry’ stage. And really, don’t you want to be getting the heck out of that stage and into the ‘healing and moving on’ stage as soon as humanly possible?
5. It may have ripple effects you didn’t intend. In the age of social media, your actions can be widely shared and once they’re out there, they’re out there for life. Parents, current or future employers can find out your history from a little Googling – and will – and there’s not a lot you can do about it.

So there you have it. Think about it, fantasise about it, heck – write a list of what you’d like to do and publish it here. But when it comes to actually doing it… go sit on your hands and watch 10 or so episodes of something really distracting. Like Vanderpump Rules.

Have you ever taken revenge after a break-up? Do you regret it? Or has an ex taken revenge against you?

I was 25. Living in London. Madly in love with my boyfriend, and looking forward to my party that night. At home. Pretty much all my friends were coming. It was huge.

That is, until my boyfriend decided that night was the ideal time to tell me it was over.

That he could do it ON my birthday and AT my party seemed just unreal to me. Nuts. It still amazes me when I hear of people getting dumped on Valentine’s Day, on their wedding anniversary, on Christmas Day.

It adds a special layer of cruelty to the whole thing, don’t you think?

Dr John Grey (the Mars Venus guy) calls it the ‘Special Occasion Break-Up Syndrome’.

He believes it’s very common, and not necessarily callous of the dumper to choose those occasions, because special occasions and the days leading up to them are often times when we do the most soul-searching about where we’re at in our lives and who we want to be with.

That’s great and all, but just don’t dump me on my birthday, thanks. Any other day would be fine. The end.

Have you ever been dumped on a special occasion?

I know Valentine’s Day and being single is not a great combo, and if you’re in that boat you have my sympathy. That said, I’m all about the silver linings and one very big one is that you don’t have to worry about getting a crap present you have to pretend to like.

The struggle is real, people.

For example, my ex was the MASTER of bad gifts. Every Valentine’s Day, birthday or Christmas he just came up with shockers that made me think WELL HE REALLY DIDNT THINK THAT ONE THROUGH and WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING DATING THIS PERSON.

I had a lot of conversations in caps, in my head, during that relationship.

So yeah, one Valentine’s Day, he really outdid himself presenting me with… wait for it… a laminator.

Not even kidding.

I mean, laminators are great and all. Handy. Good for… laminating shit. I still use it. I’m sure he assumed he was thinking ahead and it was a great present for a creative person. And maybe there are people out there who would LOVE to receive a laminator. But for Valentine’s Day? To someone you supposedly love and desire and cherish? FFS.

I’m not alone. A new poll from a UK jewellery company found that 56 percent of women have been disappointed by a Valentine’s Day gift, compared with 25 percent of men.

Some of the gifts the women polled had received included an ironing board cover, a wheelbarrow, a screwdriver set, a plastic sheep, a can of baked beans and, believe it or not, A SINGLE TEA BAG.

But that’s not all. One woman even received a sausage roll, while another said she was given a LIVE TARANTULA as a Valentine’s Day gift.

And really, there needs to be some serious lifting of one’s game if you think a live spider is a good present… for anyone.

What’s the worst gift an ex has ever given you? Feel free to share your outrage in the comments.

The adult colouring in book thing has been a slow burn for me. I’ve seen them, I’ve been given them as presents, and yet, I only ever do colouring in with my toddler.

But, lately I’ve wondered if maybe I should get on the colouring in bandwagon. Apart from it being the ultimate digital detox, research is mounting at just how great it is for stress relief.

And no one, but no one, needs more stress relief than heartbroken people, so I was stoked to discover this sweary adult colouring in book, Have A Nice Life Asshole – an essential in your breakup survival kit.

It has 50 unique, hand-curated break-up insults to colour in, so it doubles as therapy if you never got to say it in person. On one day, you might want to get into the zone by colouring the ‘I’m better off without you’ page. On another, ‘The Clitoris. Google it’ page may float your boat, or the super succinct, ‘Kiss my ass’.

And hey, if it makes you laugh a little at the same time, that can only be a good thing, right?

This is the perfect thing to grab if you’re going through a break-up, and the absolutely best present EVER for a heartbroken friend who really needs some distraction and a good giggle.

Get a copy of it here (and, full disclosure, it’s my Amazon affiliate link so I make a little extra if you buy through me. And please do if you like the site and it’s helped you out! Thank you – every little bit helps keep me fed).