Just want to say sorry

  • Letter To My Ex
  • No Comments

You.
You. 150 150 Letter To My Ex

Dear Zolie, I miss you. I know its been a month or two but I just want everything to go back to how it was. The love we had was “unreal” as you would say. You changed me for the better, you stayed with me through everything, mental hospital and all, you helped me find a new out look on life and I will always love you unconditionally, I mean it.

Im sorry for everything I did wrong and I wish I could take everything back. I wish I would have told you that you are my favorite person more often, and that you have changed me for the better. Thank you for everything you have ever done, you are one in a million and I will always want you even if you dont want me back. Im so sorry I messed up so much and let my emotions get the best of me and I hope everything will be better in the future.

Read letter
  • Letter To My Ex
  • No Comments

You didn’t deserve my immaturity
You didn’t deserve my immaturity 150 150 Letter To My Ex

I regret the choice I made of losing you as a person who I truly cared about and even as a loving friend. Looking back, you were the best thing that came across in my life until I decided to cut it off so suddenly due to personal reasons that I can’t explain and was too scared to tell you, which was soo mf stupid of me. I was a hypocrite for praising on the importance of communication but didn’t provide that between us. You did not deserve any of my wrongdoings and you have every right to be mad at me. I’m not asking you to forgive me but hopefully hear me out. As mentioned in the past, everything was fairly new to me and even though that is no excuse, I let the worst get to me and did what I could to push you away when I needed you the most. 

We would talk about our childhood, family, friends, school, the future, our feelings, etc. and what I didn’t emphasize enough was that I was never taught to express my true emotions, especially to those who I really do love. I wished to have come from a family where there is a sense of  caring and loving someone in general, but I live an environment where that doesn’t exist. I feared that my personal issues and personal life would make you walk away from me and so I decided to walk away first, not knowing how much you meant to me and was too stubborn to talk it out. I was so stubborn that I tried to forget about you because it hurt me that I don’t deserve you but I can’t help but to think about you. My mistake was that I didn’t fight for you. 

During the week when you questioned our relationship, I lied about losing feelings for you because I feared for the future. I lied that I lost feelings for you after the aquarium and I lied about not picturing us becoming more than just friends as well. If you asked me why I lied, I wouldn’t know the exact answer but just know that in a sense, the future is holding me back. 

I am sorry that I hurt you and never wanted to do that in the first place but I hope some day I can make it up to you (only if you want). From February until now, you unintentionally made me become a better person and I’m sorry I wasn’t better to you. You don’t have to remind me how bad I fumbled someone who is funny, gorgeous, smart, and admirable because I KNOW HOW BAD I DID.  I’m not proud of what I felt like I did to you. I’m not dropping the L bomb on you but what I do want to say is that I really really do like you…. like a lot… still.  I promise to do right by you no matter what. As friends or not, I want to be there for you.

P.S. I never actually delete the playlist we had. 
P.P.S. Mahalia – November (feat. Stormzy) is how I’m feeling right now.

Read letter
  • Letter To My Ex
  • No Comments

No more apologies
No more apologies 150 150 Letter To My Ex

To Sam;

From the very start you had your doubts about me and you weren’t wrong. But you weren’t right either. I remember when I saw your face for the very first time. I remember the look in your eyes. I wish I had told you, or maybe I did, but the thought that went through my head in those few seconds we greeted each other was “this girl is going to be mine.” But I couldn’t believe I had to train you to take over my job. My insecurities just got the best of me. Call it ego maybe, but the fact you hated me just killed me even if you had every reason to hate me but there was no way I was about to let you go like that. I knew that wasn’t the real me at all and I set out to prove it. I have never pursued any woman so persistently and stubbornly as I did with you. It took months for you to cave and it was on Christmas Day when you would turn out to become the love of my life.

My birthday this year without you here had me reflecting on the year before when you made me feel like the only man alive. I refused to speak to a single soul the whole day, lying here thinking about everything I gave away when I walked out of our home for good, leaving my girls behind. I miss my little bean bean every day and her little crazy eyes are still looking at me from the wallpaper picture on my phone. I hope she’s being good for you and she’s adjusted okay to me being gone. 

There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, to change what’s already done. I spent so much time alone thinking about you, the choices I had made, trying to understand why. I really have no answers. All I know right now is how selfish and self centred I had been in choosing my dark side over us. It took a month for me to break down and cry—when I realized all I was doing was talking about how breaking up with you had affected me without ever considering how walking out of your life had affected you. The mere thought of you starting again after I trashed everything we wanted to build together killed me. I’m not assuming it has been difficult for you but I don’t know if it was easy either; it’s the fact I don’t know and possibly will never know that hurts the most. I think about you and Beenum all the time and I sincerely hope the two of you are okay. Even if you have moved on, I would be glad to know you’re doing better without me. I just wish I had understood I had everything I already needed right there in front of me. I miss cuddling with you at night, and I wish I wasn’t so damn grouchy about having to roll over and all you wanted was my love. I wish I could have been able to love myself so I could give you the love you deserve and more. I miss waking up in the morning to make us coffee and how you would come out of our bedroom with your beautiful smile, happy at the smell of fresh coffee as you go tapping to the kitchen with your arms straight out behind you like you’re pretending to be an airplane..

It’s the little things about you I miss the most. I know you might think I hate you, but I wish I could somehow just let you know my love, how much I sincerely miss you. I love you so very much and I always will. If only I could have showed it when I had all the time in the world with you. I just hope when I complete treatment, I can begin to make amends for all the pain I had wrought.

I love you beeb.

S.b

Read letter
  • Letter To My Ex
  • No Comments

Dear MS
Dear MS 150 150 Letter To My Ex

It is now nearly 8:00 p.m., and I’m supposed to eat my dinner. But here I am, writing this letter to you because I can’t get you out of my head. 

We broke up 4 years ago, and it was such a sad time. Four years have passed, and I still find myself missing you and loving you. The more I grew older, the more I realized what we had was magical. You were my first love, and I’ve never loved anyone that much before. I imagine our future together so many times, and I wish I could just turn back the clock just to enjoy our moments together again. I imagine how we would get back together after 4 years with our lessons learned. I imagine hugging you and crying in your arms. I imagine sitting on the bench in our college’s front yard, the same bench where I kissed you for the first time, and just talking and laughing again. I wish I could kiss you again and tell you I love you. But no, all I had left of you was just a boring conversation on social media with you that I’m trying to hold onto. I know you’re not interested in talking to me, and that really hurts me. However, I just can’t seem to let you go. I’ve tried MS, I’ve tried for the past 4 years, but you always seem to come back. I cannot count how many times I wish you could just go away, but you always stay in my mind. You are always there. Whenever I’m lonely, I think of you. I think of us. I think of our time spent together. I imagine what we would be like if we kept dating. I wish I could write you letters when you were in the military. I wish I could love you more, but all of this doesn’t mean anything because you will never read this letter. I don’t know if I could ever love anyone else like you anymore. 
I always imagine meeting your family again and playing with your dog. I want to ask you so many questions, but I never get a chance. Is your grandma doing okay? I think I still keep your grandma’s gift for me, and I’ll probably never exchange it. Did your dad’s business ever take off? Do you like working for him? Does your mom still do pottery? What college did your sister get into? Does she like it? 
I enjoy my time spent with your family. I still remember your parents’ gaze when we were at the train station. I remember how proud they were. I remember your mom’s soft gaze at me, and I will never forget that. Oh, how I wish I could see that again. 
I am so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, leading you to break up with me. I don’t know how many times I have to say sorry to you anymore, but I am so sorry. I hope you find a way to forgive me. I hope I will find a way to forgive myself. 
I’ve traveled the world for the past 4 years, and I ended up going back to my hometown after declaring to the world how much I hate it. I missed you most when I was in London because I saw so many couples on the street. I missed you when I was walking on the street in Washington, D.C. I missed your smile when I walked down Rodeo Drive in Los Angeles. I missed your voice when I was in Osaka. But I hated my hometown the most because it reminds me of you. Everything and everyone. 
Soon enough, you’ll find someone else, and you’ll get married. I hope she loves you more than I ever love you even though I don’t even know if I could ever handle the news. But I know that you will. I told you when we broke up that you shouldn’t invite me to your wedding, and I still want the same thing. I don’t think I could handle it well. It’s heartbroken enough just to see from afar. 
I know that they said if you love someone, set them free. I am setting you free, but my pain is still here. One day, this pain will turn into scars, and I’ll wear them like a badge of honor. Because I know I have lived and loved and lost. 
Now, I have to eat dinner because I’m so hungry. I wish my sorrow could just fill me up, but food is better. 
Best,
AT

Read letter
  • Letter To My Ex
  • No Comments

I’m sorry
I’m sorry 150 150 Letter To My Ex

I’m sorry I accused you of something that happened in the past. I meant it but I shouldn’t have said it. You’ve been hurting me a lot lately but in the end I realize I was hurting myself. You never wanted me and I knew that but when you would hold me it didn’t matter. Idk why I can’t move on when nothing really happened between us. I miss you but it’s not you it’s the idea of who I thought u were. Ig I’m typing this letter to say goodbye but in reality I’m still gonna wanna text you and I’m hoping this will give me some closure.

Read letter
  • Letter To My Ex
  • No Comments

I’m sorry for what I did
I’m sorry for what I did 150 150 Letter To My Ex

Hey Jacob, i hope you’re doing well! you’re probably wondering why i am sending you such a long message out of the blue.
i’ve been writing this for a long time now, it’s been sitting and waiting for you to read. ever since we broke up, this message has been waiting. i never found a great time to do so but i found my reason.

i think all the time, about how i can be a better person, imagining myself doing things differently. the correct way. how i could’ve been smarter, kinder and braver but i didn’t do any of those things. deep down i understand that what happened is in the past, i don’t have the power to remove the damage i caused. i am sorry for hurting you, lying to you, breaking you and so much more.

day after day i sit and ponder about everything and it just hurts. there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t think about you, not a single one. i would hope by now you don’t relate to this, i want you to move on. you deserve that.

i don’t want you to think this is ploy for us to be together, not at all what this is. i just don’t think i can handle knowing i never sent you this message. i know i’ve apologized again and again, how you’ve forgiven me again and again but it doesn’t feel like enough. a part of me wants to believe you forgive me but another part thinks your lying, telling me what i want to hear to move on. whether you forgive me or not is not in my hands but yours. 

today i went into a private server in zo and just walked around. yea yea corny but it was still sad, i hate that damn game. 
i don’t play osu anymore, it just makes me sad. i don’t listen to that one song you were crazy at on osu. i hate vocaloid sometimes. blah blah blah, i feel like i’m going on and on in circles. i’m not really sure where i’m going with all of this but i’m just trying to put everything i want to say and feel into this. 

i’m moving on, i still am. i think i’m mostly filled with regret and guilt, i’m not sitting and wishing i could be with you, instead wishing i didn’t hurt you. that’s my issue, i’ve told you. i hope you do remember. i tried and tried to tell myself that everything’s okay but that’s life right? 

there is one thing i don’t understand, is your kindness towards me. you’ve said on multiple occasions how i could reach out if i needed anything and that you’d still be here for me. why? your different and i thank you for your kindness towards me. i really do appreciate you, even when you were hurting…because of me.
you have taught me so much and i can’t thank you enough. our time together has made me grow in someways and i hope you feel the same way. even though we aren’t together, i don’t regret meeting you nor being with you. 

i’m going to try and wrap this up, i don’t want this to be a headache to read. i was lurking how i usually do and noticed your in a relationship! i’m happy for you and wish you nothing but happiness. i felt like now was the best time, you know? sending this a year or more after felt wrong. who knows, maybe you’ll be in a long term relationship when i sent this but no, now is the right time. 

you might not care about everything i wrote and you might not even read it. maybe you’ll laugh at me and think i’m pitiful. i don’t blame you, i don’t expect you to give the tiniest shit about me. i just want this message to at least be sent to you. i don’t expect a response either, do what you please with this. 
i am a dark shadow hovering over you, holding you back and preventing you from being happy. i hope this gives you the closure i never gave you. 
this is my goodbye, thank you for everything. 

don’t forget about me :,)

Read letter
  • Letter To My Ex
  • No Comments

Please don’t say goodbye…
Please don’t say goodbye… 150 150 Letter To My Ex

I always told you, you were my champion Jason.  I was your PP,  beans, Bird. All the cute (weird)  things you used to call me, when you still “cared” about me. when you would call me over and over and text me over and over when I was mad and trying to ignore you. And I would always cave. And come running to you. In the middle of a snowstorm. A downpour thunderstorm. In the middle of the night when I had been sleeping and had to work the next morning. I always came to you. Because I couldn’t wait to see you. And be around you. You were my sunshine. My happy place. You made my heart glow. 

But then you started giving all of your attention away to all of the girls you claimed didn’t exist. Remember when you would get text messages and I would ask you about them you would just say “I’ve never met them.” “I don’t even know them.” “I don’t even know their name.” Like that was supposed to make me feel better, but still I forgave you. I let it go.  I wanted to believe what you were telling me the truth. That you didn’t care about them. I wanted to feel like I was special because I was the one there with you all of the time, every night, they weren’t.

And that was good enough for me. For a while. Until it became too much, the lies, the manipulation, the love bombing, throwing other girls in my face, making me feel jealous on purpose, and insecure. And ugly and fat. Until you finally found someone to replace me and discarded me. Without a second thought. I always knew you would leave me I just didn’t know when or that it would hurt this much. I thought you had a heart.

When we would watch YouTube videos you would cry when we watched the touching video moments and I thought you really had a heart, I thought you were being vulnerable to me and we were bonding. Was that all a dream I made up? What are you ever a genuine person? Did you have a heart – maybe you did I just wasn’t in it.  No matter what I did, it was never enough. I gave you everything I could. Everything. I tried so hard to be good enough. And it was met with insults, jabs, and put downs and eventually hatred. You hated me for trying to love you. You complimented every woman on TV, in public in front of me, but never me. And every time you did that, it broke me down just a little bit more. 

And even now, no matter what has happened, the hateful words that we’ve exchanged, the gut wrenching pain, sleepless nights, tears, I still love you. I wish you would reach out. I would forgive you for everything. I miss you. Your Pp

Read letter
  • Letter To My Ex
  • No Comments

I’m done!!
I’m done!! 150 150 Letter To My Ex

DJ,

You walked away and that should be enough to answer all the questions that I have. I don’t miss you anymore, but some things still linger. The day you left you were so cold. You were done. You broke a lot of promises that day. You chose being “free” over having a life with me. That has not been an easy pill to swallow, but i only want you and everyone else to be happy. Here’s the thing though, I am not going to be that typical ex and pretend as if everything was fine and I don’t miss you at all, because let’s be honest, no one actually feels that way. I do think about you. How could i not? You were a huge part of my life for a couple of weeks (embarrassing, I know), and I saw something with you. 

You were my favorite person, and you were my best friend. It would be silly for us to pretend that we don’t think about each other or miss each other (who am I kidding, I don’t miss you). I just wonder what my life would be like right now if we’d never gotten together). Still, how could you not have at least reached out to check on me after the breakup? How could you so quickly cut me out of your life like that, as if I meant nothing to you? Still, I think I will always want to see you thrive and succeed in life. So, I hope after all is said and done, we can move past this and still support and cheer each other on, just from a distance.

There are some things I want you to know, though. I want you to know, I never wanted to change you. How could I? I fell for you for a reason. I only ever wanted to support and help you. Leading us into war, which I never meant to start. I saw the internal struggle within you, but I also saw the beautiful heart within you. I had so much passion for you, that I only ever wanted to push you and challenge you to be your best-self, because I believed in you. You told me on our final day together that it was too much- that was never my intention. I was just scared. I had given you my whole heart, but the lack of trust got the best of me. 

There are also many things I want to thank you for. I want to thank you for your patience. During our time together, I was in the middle of a hard time in my life and wasn’t always the most easy person to be around, but you were always really patient with me and I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I want to thank you for always being there to help me. You helped me with so much. You stood by me when I became unhealthy and pushed me to be better. When I finally decided to, there you were ready to help me. You taught me so much, that I know I wouldn’t be as far as I am now without your guidance, so thank you. One of the many lessons I have come to learn during this time is, a part of healing is also noting how I was toxic. I wasn’t perfect, and part of the growing process for me has been understanding where I went wrong.

The thing is, you see, I’m not the same person you once knew. I’m sure you thought I was going to breakdown and contact you. You probably thought I was miserable waiting for you to come back, and I’m not going to lie, it was really hard in the beginning. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, I constantly thought I was sinking into the ground, my chest felt completely hollow.

Lastly, I want you to know, even after all the pain you caused me, I do not regret being with you, I don’t regret giving my time to you and I most certainly do not regret loving you.

Yours,
Ant

Read letter
  • Letter To My Ex
  • No Comments

A Heart Filled with Holes
A Heart Filled with Holes 150 150 Letter To My Ex

This is for every girl I hurt by being too attached.

2017 was dark after being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and intrusive OCD my life spiralled because of it I failed A levels, hobbies lost all enjoyment and briefly considered suicide, because of which I guess I was looking for something or rather someone to fill my heart, a guardian angel if you want to think of it, and that person was you Sofia. My broken heart, longing for something to fill and mend it, latched onto you. Not only were you the most beautiful girl in school but you seemed largely free of any angst us zoomers carry in abundant supply.

The following year was filled with me unable to muster up the courage to talk to you out of fear you wouldn’t be interested, which my heart couldn’t bear back then, until I did and you seemingly responded well. Then being me, I ruined it by being to eager to talk. I know what happened, despite your best intentions not to hurt me, and while I was sad and angry for a long time, you did nothing wrong

Ever since that day, over half a decade ago, when I found out how you felt, my life has not improved. This maybe more for me, but I need this if I ever am to mend my wounds from 2017.

I’m sorry for putting you off by being over eager. While what you did hurt me, without you being there I would have never overcame my fear of Dogs, Met my doggie best friend Ruby, and may not have kept going at the worst time in my life. You inadvertently saved me and thank you for that. 

Should you ever see this thank you for saving me. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be who I needed to be for you and I hope your life is a pleasant one. 

A friend once told me you were looking for a man at the time, I know you’ll find it one day and hope he could’ve everything I couldn’t back when.

Thank You Sofia

Signed you know who

Read letter
  • Letter To My Ex
  • No Comments

You’ll never get to read this, but it only feels right to end this the way it started, to send you an email.
You’ll never get to read this, but it only feels right to end this the way it started, to send you an email. 150 150 Letter To My Ex

Dear Som,

4/15

I have been thinking about you a lot recently. Mostly because I have been blocking out the past 2 years of my life and suddenly these memories are flooding my brain. But also because I am working on getting over us. But today when I thought of you, I went for a walk around the neighborhood that I’m staying at here in Florida. I’ve almost felt paralyzed in my mind for months, unable to do anything except to survive my thoughts. I can’t convince myself to take walks, I can’t convince myself to do something healthy and productive, and even if I do it’s not enough to continue doing it. It’s exhausting. But today during my walk I felt the familiar release and calmness of taking a simple walk. The way I used to feel with you. Even if I really didn’t want to, I would do it anyways and felt better after doing it. Perhaps it’s because I am somewhere new, and that reminds me of you.

And then I start to think about us and get emotional. I haven’t been allowing myself to feel anything about us. And now that we’ve pretty much had the talk that it’s over, I have no choice. So I remember the first time we really began to talk. We had emailed back and forth and wrote novels to each other about our dreams and desires and what we were looking for. At the time I really just wanted an escape and to have fun and travel, I was very much in that mindset, and to a degree I still am. 3 years later. Isn’t it crazy how time flies? 2 years ago I moved to Vegas to be with you, and 1 year ago we had just moved into the house I bought and I was over the moon with decorating and really feeling like I had achieved something (even though I hadn’t really earned it myself). 

I’m sorry for forcing you into the house and forcing you to be a part of the narrative I created in my mind about the type of relationship I thought I wanted, and changing my mind after everything. You were truly there for me in every step of the way, and I am sorry I didn’t tell you that more, that I really did appreciate you. 

I think back to my first trip to visit you and remember how nervous and scared I was, yet you were a perfect gentleman. I also think about how long we waited to have sex, and I remember feeling that we had built our relationship on something real, like a friendship and shared interests together. And looking back, I fell in love with the possibilities and the promises you had made me about taking care of me and the travels we would take and you bring me to India. All of which never really happened. I learned your idea of traveling meant van life and going to local places around wherever you chose to live at the time. There is truly nothing wrong with that, but I think my idea was different. You taught me a lot, and I really mean that, you taught me things that I really NEED and non-negotiables that I seek in a relationship. You taught me that life is short and to move on and just be happy in the present. I am envious that it seems like you can move on so easily. You also taught me how to explore, I mean really explore, and be independent and not be afraid of what people think. I think that’s one of the reasons I married you, it felt like I was giving the universe a big FUCK you to the societal expectations on what a marriage should or should not look like. But if I’m being honest, I regretted our marriage from the moment it happened and I blocked out the experience almost entirely. And there’s a part of me that thinks you feel that way too. I mean, you didn’t even get the pictures that were taken of our wedding, a stupid cliche drive-through Vegas wedding. My dress was $20 from a mall store and we both had to drink during the entire day just to make it to the alter. You don’t even drink. It was weird, the next day I woke up feeling like, did I really just do that? What does that even mean, did it feel real? I didn’t tell anyone for months. I was ashamed, even though my belief in marriage was and is completely skewed. 

One thing I will tell you, and I have in the past is that you have always been honest about what you were looking for and your dreams and desires. It just sounded so appealing to me because I wanted that life so badly for myself until I actually got into it. I NEVER regretted any of our travels, in fact, they have been some of the most liberating experiences I have ever had, and I am glad I could have them with you. But looking back, it felt like I was a circle trying to fit into the square of life you had created. I wanted furniture and cats, and to feel the comfort of having a home, and you were content with not having a solid place to live. Again, it was something I admired and wanted for myself until I was put into that life. I can’t blame you for anything, I truly can’t. I just wish I could be the partner and person you need and want. But I can’t. I’m not. I think the reason it was taken me SOOOOOO long to even begin processing what I feel or the reason I left is that it has been extremely painful for me to accept that the life I started to build with you wasn’t a good fit for me because I really did want it, but I know deep down that the love I have and had for you wasn’t enough to keep me true to you. You knew that too, and you never fought for me. You turned a blind eye to me and let me come and go as I pleased when I really needed discipline and to show me how much you really wanted me. So it felt like you didn’t care. I still feel like you don’t care as much as I do. I also know that you were never truly honest with me about your intentions for our relationship. I was a fool for falling for your words and everything you told me you felt for me. I feel I know what your true plan was, it was to find a sponsor all along. Maybe there’s a part of me that feels you actually really wanted both, a partner and someone to sponsor you. But I was the girl in your life at the right time that was broken and damaged enough to do the sort of thing like move within weeks of you asking and go through with a shitty Vegas wedding.

5/1

I’m mad at you. I’m mad that you don’t miss the life that I thought we wanted. If you told me you missed our pets, and the house, that I would come back to you. Because I am indecisive and I need a reason to hope and to live. I shouldn’t put that on others but it’s true. Sometimes I feel like I don’t care enough about my life and that it’s my loved ones’ responsibility to keep me here, alive. But no one would ever know, because that darkness inside of me is too much for anybody to take on. And I knew at the end I became too much for you. But you always let me vent, cry, and be a complete fucking mess. Although you had no idea how to respond.. Another thing I can’t blame you for, but I was so mad at you during that time because I just wanted to feel understood. 

I’m scared for you to move on because that means I have to move on too, and it feels like once you do, our life together will just be a painful memory. Like it didn’t really happen. Because at this time I’m not sure if I will ever let myself feel the loss of us. One that I will eventually get over. But I hope you remember me fondly and can eventually understand my decision. 

When I think of you, I think of compassion, and I think of hope, and truly living as if it were your last day on earth. And when I am reminded of that feeling, there is a tiny flame, and there is a part of that tiny flame that you created in me. I hope I will always feel that when I think of you, because even now through grieving and this heartbreak, it still brings me a smile. Nostalgic. Mixed feelings. That’s how I’ve always felt about you. I think I am truly too complicated to have a simple love, and although we didn’t have simplicity, you wanted something I couldn’t give you, and I wanted something you couldn’t give me. I really don’t think that anyone will ever know about the real us. And maybe that’s enough because you started as my secret, as my dangerous adventure that no one ever really had to know about. 

5/20

Today I traveled to Moab. It was my first time here. I traveled with my uncle, 2 cousins, and my mom. I was looking over my saved places on google maps and was looking over places we had been in Utah. It’s been a while since I allowed myself to look at these places – too many memories. But my cousin Dan has been living in Utah part-time – maybe I told you about him –  He’s recently found his adventurous heart at the age of 50 and parts of him remind me of you. On the way here we talked about love and loss and spirituality and life and how it changes people. Reminds me of the talks we used to have. We stopped at this little ruins spot, I looked around and thought of Zion. I think that’s been one of the best trips of my life. 

And god it is so hard not to text you right now.. 

I’m going to cry if I keep writing this so I have to stop. I hope you understand..

5/30

I haven’t been able to cry fully in a couple of months. Probably since we talked. I texted you today and asked if we could speak. You responded as if you were so happy. Why can you be the one to be so happy? And me so miserable… I guess that’s what I deserve after everything I’ve put you through. I do wish you well, but there’s a part of me that wishes you weren’t.. maybe somehow that would end up meaning we should be together. 

I’m so lost Som, it feels like I woke up in another person’s life and I can’t wake up. It’s so mundane and I’m so tired. Tired of everything. Tired of trying and fighting and caring and crying. I don’t expect you to understand.. but fuck you were always good at just listening if I needed to vent. And I took that for granted. But you never did miss me or us and that’s what makes it so hard, because I thought you did. 

I spoke with an attorney today and I’m scared. I’m just really scared of what is to come of everything. Are you ready to be done? Maybe it’s inevitable and I should stop the suffering, but you know me… what if? But we talk tomorrow.. and I don’t know how to handle that. 

6/12

I now understand why you may not “miss me” as much as I “miss you.” I realized I found this burning love for passion in travel, in exploring, In long travel days, and looking at the stars at night. For that, I miss you. I’ve come to realize that I don’t miss you in the way I thought I would, I miss our adventures. And this life I’ve been living recently… well… I’ve learned a lot. There’s no burning passion here but there is stability, and everyone tells me that’s a good thing. But I’m still waiting to feel that. Today I went out and got myself a hamburger and took a nice long drive. I stopped beside the river where the water was raging, it was impressive looking at the power of the water and I imagined what it would be like to jump in there, fully aware I wouldn’t survive it if I did. But it’s a funny thing, I know it sounds depressing, I don’t mean to, but I think you of and your love for water. I know if you were here we would’ve talked about jumping in the water. And maybe that’s what I need.. a cold shock of water…

7/18
In 2020 and 2021 I wanted nothing else but to travel and do the things you wanted to do. It wasn’t until after we got married and did those things that the things I wanted changed for me. I realized I wanted to have more family and friends time.. and you always told me that you didn’t want someone that was super close with their friends and family. You always told me that we would travel the world and go places but the only place that we would go is camp in your truck and then you wanted to adopt the van life more often.. I just feel like you told me things to keep me invested and interested but they never happened… and you lied to me. A lot. I lost my trust in you and it really impacted our relationship. I’m sorry you feel like I only talked to you when I needed something. It really wasn’t the case. It’s just like we’re going in circles and circles and having the same convo over and over again. And every single time we would talk it would make me so emotional and bring up the memories and regrets that I had. It was so easy for you to let go of everything we were doing. I know we “settled” too fast with the house and the cats and the furniture… it wasn’t your thing. Things got out of hand and I do have regrets about it. But you straight up told me that you never missed any of it while it meant a lot to me… 

Som the “favor” you asked of me wasn’t something so simple as picking you up from the airport or running an errand for you. This would make me responsible for you for at least 10 years. I never saw any of your financials about your business loan or anything to show me what I would be getting into. You said I could speak with your lawyer but it never happened. I know you hold a lot of resentment about that. And I’m sorry. I still have my reservations about it and it just feels sketchy.. like I don’t have the whole picture. 

I know you helped me out, and you also said you’d help me with my surgery but you didn’t. it was conditional which made it an arrangement. My surgery was in February and you never even checked on me.. so ya it’s all good that you decided to move on… 

I told you to keep your plan and go up to the northwest it’s not my fault that you chose not to.. I never want to keep you from your plans… besides I thought you were spontaneous and didn’t mind the change of plans. I’m never worried about things being “awkward” I know you won’t make it awkward. But the situation just is awkward! Like how are we supposed to be around each other after we talk about divorce? You made it beyond clear that you want nothing to do with me. I guess that’s fair but it’s made it harder for me because I still want you in my life.. 

And I think you just want “someone.” Not ME. It just feels convenient for you because we’re already married and you’ve said you don’t want to start over. I mean it just doesn’t feel like you’ve genuinely missed me or wanted to be with me… idk it just feels like you’re okay on your own even though you want “someone.”  So this is me being 100% truthful and honest about my feelings and what’s been going through my mind.

7/21
I started typing a response to every paragraph you wrote so we could go back and forth and bicker about what “actually” happened. But it feels so pointless. We did need to take this time to be separated to really figure out what we both want. I hope you can find positivity in that. And unfortunately, you are right.. we haven’t been building our life together. We’ve been doing our own thing and there are obviously some negatives with that but also some positives.. But I never asked you to not put yourself out there… and you need to do what you gotta do. It’s not an excuse for me to just say that I’m anxious and can’t have the talk, but for a while I was simply not capable of it. And I need to get over it. So I agree let’s not avoid it any longer… And my honest truth is that I don’t see myself moving out of Colorado for at least 6 months while I wrap some things up and save some money. And to be honest it’s hard to see myself being able to fully commit myself to a marriage and give you everything you need, despite everything you may think, I genuinely care for your feelings and I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I have learned to not be dependent on anyone and I need some time to save money and make my plan in order to live by that. Our relationship has been such an important aspect of my life for so long that I feel like I’ve forgotten how to just be me, and the past year has given me reflection to show me what I need and want. I know it’s very important for us to move on from this situation and so maybe we should meet to finalize things. But this is my truth and honesty, and I hope you understand where I’m coming from.

8/11
I looked back and saw you holding your head in your hands and then drove away. I can’t even tell you how awful that felt. Knowing that may be the last time we see each other. You have no idea how emotionally draining it is for me to write this. Nevertheless, I cannot deny the fact that I shared some of the most wonderful moments of my life with you. I wouldn’t change a thing about you or what we’ve been through, but I can’t keep causing you pain in our relationship. We’re constantly hurting each other because we’re both attempting to make something work that should have been easy. And I believe that you’re also aware that our habits and lifestyles are so dissimilar that we can’t live happily together. It breaks my heart to write this, because we’ve tried so hard to make this work, and I’ll forever admire your dedication and the efforts you put into our relationship. But the reality of our situation has become too overwhelming, and I need to prioritize my well-being. I hope you understand that we’re both unhappy despite our best efforts to make it work. 

-S

p.s – I know this what a lot and very emotional to read. You asked me to speak my truth and be honest and this is me spilling everything I’ve been feeling this year. Please take your time to process, and know you don’t even have to respond if you don’t want to.

Read letter
Back to top