Dear Sarah,
Why? Why did you ruin everything? To this day I’m not even remotely sure if you actually loved me, or if you were just obsessed with me. I guess it doesn’t really matter any more. The end result was the same.
You were supposed to be the one. My forever Player Two. The person who finally washed away all the other heartbreak I’d gone through. Instead, you ended up being the last chapter of my quest for true love. I once said to you “It’s you or no-one.” It looks like that may have been more true than even I realised, because since we parted I’ve been cursed. Failed dates, a really ill-fated attempt to get back with another ex, and now no-one is even remotely interested in having me as their other half.
The worst part is, part of me still misses you. That cute smile, infectious laugh, your sense of humour, the way your hair felt when I brushed my fingers through it or how your lips felt on mine. How you’re the one lass who would play something like Stellaris or Chivalry with me. When we watched awesome (and terrible) films and shows together. You don’t know how strong the urge is to actually try and talk to you again, that old ‘what if we can fix it?’ voice sounding out in my heart.
The problem is, my head tells me something else. How you became so incredibly distant during our last time together. How you kept changing your mind on how you apparently felt for me. The fact that you thought it was fine to poison a good friend against me (and I know you had something to do with that, I wasn’t born yesterday), and all because your insane and irrational jealousy told you to do so.
No, I’m not perfect. I pushed you away at times. I was battling my own issues; my mental health and my past traumas. You know fine well what losing someone else before you did to me and I was working through that. I needed closure. But you expected me to drop all my issues to make way for yours. That isn’t how it works.
But the damnedest thing of all, Sarah? I’ll never forget what you told me right before we got back together for the last time. “I hate the fact that I feel this way for you.” I think that was the truest thing you ever told me, and all I can remember now is that, plus the toxic things that you decided it was fine to do.
So, thanks for breaking my heart completely and taking the last ounce of belief I had in this thing called ‘true love.’ Yet, you can’t seem to let go, can you? You were all around my friendship circle, hovering on the edge and stalking my social media. You just won’t let go of me, will you? Even after everything that happened.
I just don’t see a way we could ever be together again; the damage is too great. If you truly are sorry, then find a way to talk to me and tell me instead of this weird stalkerish behaviour. If you really don’t care though, then just leave me in peace.
It’s been almost 4 years, Sarah. Either prove to me that you actually ARE the one, or stay where you belong…in my memories.