Still heartbroken

Dear Aki, I’m sorry. I can’t move on and I fear I’ll never be able to.

I still love you even though I did some things wrong. I wasn’t mature the last time I loved you and I hope this message finds you and if you’re willing to fix things… I want to treat you the way you deserve, even if you don’t have time. I don’t wanna be a distraction from your academics and passion I just want to be the person who is eager to love and support you and be your wife one day. I love you.. and I hope you still love me too.

It’s been 4 months since you left me. I still miss you no matter how much I deny it and I hate it.

I opened my heart up to you just for you to not care and take me for granted. I know things were getting tough with what was going on but I would’ve rather you talked to me about it instead of ignoring me and making me seem like a joke. It truly makes me wonder if you ever did love me like you said you did or if I was just entertaining enough to play for months.

You were my first kiss, the first guy I opened up to. The first guy who made me genuinely feel happy and comfortable. I would’ve given anything to you and you knew it. Maybe that’s what made me seem so stupid.

Ultimately I can’t deny I miss you but you don’t seem to reach out to me and I doubt you’ll ever see this. I still love you. Maybe your love was false but I always gave you sincere love even if you found it funny at times. I always took you seriously and it felt like you were patting my back like if I was one of your homeboys. Maybe we would’ve been better off as friends but you liked me first.

Colin,

We broke up yesterday because you said you were too unhappy in our relationship to keep going. You talked on and on about fighting for your love, but you never really fought, did you? The day before we broke up, you kept trying to make it up to me in advance. Pointing out my new nails, holding my hand during the car ride in a way you hadn’t since early spring, even kissing my cheeks and play-fighting again. But you refused to kiss me on the mouth. We watched hours upon hours of our shows together, and you didn’t kiss me once. I remember a time when we couldn’t get through 10 minutes of a show without making out. What did I do to make you stop caring? To make you put stipulations on your love for me when you broke up with me? 

I’ve started listening to the songs you didn’t like, watching our shows without you, and finally talking to my friends about what our relationship was really like. It broke me to see you fall out of love with me over the past six months, so I started to fall back in love with myself. I have also used the time away from you to focus on my hobbies and my mental health in a way I couldn’t when you were monitoring my time. Though I have cried over our breakup, I have not cried nearly as much as I did when we were together. 

At the risk of sounding bitter, I’ll say this: I hope you never find love again. Emotionally, I poured myself out to you, and all you did was take. Never once have I seen you shed a tear or look genuinely sad. I do not wish my worst enemy upon you and your cold heart. You are simultaneously the person I have loved and hated the most. 

You left me with our half-watched shows, inside jokes, and your gifts. I hope I left you haunted.

I know you hated that name, but you never said anything. To be honest, I still can’t believe that we are over. We have broken up so many times and made up. I have cried over you so much during the past 2.5 years that it is honestly a bit pitiful.

But this one is all on me. I let my ego get the best of me and I pushed you away. I regret that, a lot.

Words can’t describe how I feel about you. We always fought, with you I really didn’t mind. You were always there for me in my best and worst. But the full impact of what happened hit me. I was talking to a guy, he was nice enough and I think he was interested in me. That made me feel guilty. Not guilt, but it felt wrong. I hated that I was talking to a guy that wasn’t you. I felt hollow and sad. Honestly I sound pathetic, but I don’t care.

And I don’t care if you call me a liar, stuck up, because all those names are true, and I am a fool for you. I just wish for a chance to hold you in my arms, to feel your warmth, sink in your scent and then, maybe I can get the closure I am trying so hard to find.

But, I can proudly say I didn’t cry…. and yet somehow that makes it worse because I still love you, more than you can ever imagine, and if I were given another chance, I would do it all again, despite every heartbreak and every shitty thing that happened. Because you were my first true love and you left a mark in me so profound that I will carry it to my grave.

To be honest, my mum was starting to warm up to you a little. She would ask about you time to time and stuff… but I guess the timing wasn’t right? but I wish I could have my shy, sweet guy back. someone who would talk about cuddling with me and taught me stuff at 3am because I had an exam.

Even though we were doing long distance, you broke every superstition I had about love and made me loyal and loving. You changed me for the better and I will forever be grateful for that. I just wish I knew your side of the story, you will always be a part of me, forever.

Dear Brydon, I really don’t know how to start it off but I’ll say by our first kiss – it was in 7th grade in the school bathroom. I remember we used to text each other, telling each other about what time we should meet up in the bathroom every day. I would always be there first, mostly we walked together. I remember in the bathroom you were always shy, you just didn’t wanna say, same as me too. Once we got caught by the camera and I was the only one that got called down. I was so mad that day. I remember when you told me you were nervous to talk to me.

I still remember that day in 6th grade when I was walking with my friends, then I heard my name and it was you. I didn’t know you yet, but you asked for my number it was at the bus after school. You had these cute braids like a lock. Then after that I picked you after knowing your friend also wanted me, because I already fell for you. Then you started talking to my dad and I met your mom (she’s an angel).

I know we were kids, but I really like you ever since you came up to me. Now we’re going to high school. Times flies but when I waited for you for months, to me it only felt like days, because I’m deeply in love with you.

When I saw you the last time in 7th grade, I knew it was going to be the last time I saw you I just didn’t know how to say goodbye to you. When we both moved it had been a year since I last saw you. It’s July 24 12:41am right now but I never would’ve thought you’ll changed like this – I can’t even recognize you. I changed because you did and I hated that, so I just been smoking my emotions away because i wasn’t with you. It’s not your fault, I’m saying I couldn’t talk to you nor cry. I told you about my mom issues and yes we still don’t get along. I wanted a mom like yours, because my mom never came to the graduation. When I got home she wanted to hang with her friends. I sometimes feel lonely because you have a mom who supports you and you are close to.

I remember last summer we got married online which was funny. It was corny, but I was happy when I was with you.