Where do I even start?

I know its been about 4 years since we broke up, but somehow I am still bothered by some things. Some of them are my fault and some of them are yours.

Let’s start with my issues. My biggest problem lingering with me today is the feeling of regret I just can’t seem to get rid of mostly over the fact that I wasted so much of my early twenties in a relationship with you. Time I will never get back. I should have broken up with you the minute I found you with her in your car at 2 am drunk with both of your pants down. For the life of me I will never know why I stayed with you after the nightmare briefly described above, but unfortunately I listened to your excuses and your tears, and forgave (tried) but never forgot. Time is such a gift and I am so sorry I threw away my peak years on you.

Now it’s your turn. Our relationship was wholly abnormal from the very start when your ex girlfriend would show up and break things while you hid me in your dark bathroom listening to you doing nothing. How did I not put it together that you cheated on her with me (while you told me you weren’t with her), why would you not cheat on me?

Remember the months after you cheated? All we did was fight over it mostly because after the night I caught you, you never admitted you cheated even though I saw you with your pants down on top of her in your car. And we would just go back and forth with that. Me telling you what I saw and seeking the truth, and you in utter denial. On July 4th we were both on our way to work on a mountain road in your car fighting, as usual, and on this day it was particularly bad. I was really after you with the usual ‘how could you do this to me’ ‘i still cant believe you wont tell me why’ and on and on. Suddenly you snapped and screamed in my face “WELL HOW WOULD IT BE IF I JUST DROVE RIGHT OFF THIS CLIFF” as you gunned it and pointed the car straight for it. I was hysterical screaming though I don’t know if it mattered. At the last second you swerved back on course so hard we fishtailed and smashed right into the rocky shoulder on the opposite side of the road totaling your car. I had never been so scared at the point in my life. We hitched a ride to work, I was crying and shaking, and when we got there we called the cops. When he showed up he asked what happened. Before I could even collect myself enough to answer you said “we almost hit a deer and wrecked trying to avoid it”. The cop looked at me and voiced his skepticism, but went to investigate. Lucky for you he saw deer in the area and your lie was accepted. After that day I never brought up the infidelity and realized you are capable of extreme damage. If only I had told that cop the real story. I was too scared to leave you. I was too scared to even think about voicing an issue with you. You had psychologically terrorized me and I never told anyone what happened until years later. Who knows what you would’ve done if I had left you, but from that moment on I was your hostage.

After that happened somehow over the years my terror turned into pity for you full of self-righteous excuses: you had a rough childhood, I should’ve been more forgiving, you did too many drugs at too young an age, maybe with my help he can change, on and on and on. Yet slowly but surely I started putting the pieces together as it became abundantly clear I was in a very abusive relationship with you and I deserved better.

By the time I had grown enough strength to leave we had been living together for a long time. The break up happened slowly as they usually do lasting a few months. It started out with me voicing issues I should’ve have been mentioning for years. The disrespect, the lies, the denial. You wouldn’t/didn’t listen nor would you make any attempt to remedy the situation when I told you I was over it and I was ready to move on. You still didn’t seem to get it. As the fights and weeks went on I started sleeping on the couch, then I started staying out late, then I started staying out all night, then I didn’t come home for days. I thought maybe my actions would’ve spoken louder than my words, yet you still would not address the issues and it seemed like you thought everything was just fine and dandy (somehow). I was done and with little explanation. I had run out of words and ways to communicate that I was done with you.

Seven months later I was moved out living out of my car and couch surfing even though some of my stuff was still there. I ran into you while I was on a hike date with my now husband in the middle of nowhere. I guess you finally got it because you proceeded to flip out on me as if I hadn’t been living and staying elsewhere for months. I shrugged my shoulders speechless at your outrage and confusion at the fact I had clearly moved on as if you seriously hadn’t seen it coming. It was then you decided to let me in on that fact that you did have a secret remedy to our problems: a $10,000 engagement ring. To this day my family and friends and I still get a good laugh at your proposed ‘solution’.

For months you sent texts and emails about how much you missed me and wanted to try again. I didn’t answer them most of the time. After a year or so you wanted to meet up and be friendly. We did a few times, but you were nosy and controlling so I just decided to stop talking to you-and without telling you. I know our break up didn’t have much closure for either of us-no goodbye letter or conversation-but I don’t feel bad about that. I guess I didn’t realize I would need some years later and I just had a few things to get off my chest. It does feel good I must say. I have heard through the rumor mill that you had seen older women and had girlfriends that wondered what had happened with your ex as you wouldn’t tell them much. I can’t say I blame you. How do you tell a person ‘oh yeah, we broke up because I’m a sociopath’? I guess I’ll leave that to you to figure out. On the other hand I tell anyone who asks hoping that someone will learn from one of my biggest regrettable mistakes of my life.

I wish I could say I hope you are doing well and that I hope nothing but the best for you, but that would be a lie. What I do hope for is that any girl who is clueless enough to be with you knows what she is getting herself into. Lastly I want to thank you. One of the last times we met, after years of asking, I turned to you and said “so why did you cheat on me anyway?” you turned to me and said “I never cheated on you because I was too drunk to get a boner”.

…So that just about sums it up. At least I got my explanation.

Best,

You know who.