Dearest Shani,

How do I begin to explain how much I wish I could say this to you, in person, with your hands in mine, face to face so that you could see in my eyes that I was telling you the truth, if it be the first time in a long time.

I have said sorry to you more times than I can remember, and it hurts me to think of how many more I should have and didn’t. So I will say it again, just one more time.

I’m sorry…

For lying to you… I lied to you about my addiction to pot. I hid it from you because I was too ashamed to tell you. I didn’t want you to think less of me. I knew how you felt about that and I knew what that would lead to.

For being dreadful with money… you were amazing with money, I envy how you were so good at that and I so wanted to do that for you and to prove to you that I could.. I know you hated that in me, for not saving and working towards our future. I really wish I had known how.

For being so depressed.. I hate the things I did and the things that I said, the decisions that I made, my shitty moods, my insomnia, my ignorance and my pride. It was never your responsibility to deal with any of that and nor should it have been, ever. I know how much I took from you in that respect and regret it so much considering your previous experiences.

Most of all, for never being there, when you needed me, when you wanted me and when I just wasn’t there, for all the dumb reasons, for all the times I drove parked and thought about how I could turn every thing around instead of just asking you. For all the times I wished you were telling me to go to make it a bit easier. For all the times I truly wanted to stay but just couldn’t.

I miss you
I miss your smell
I miss the feel of your skin
I miss your eyes
I miss holding your hand
I miss brushing your hair
I miss your meadow reports
I miss your smile
I miss your kitchen ballet
I miss your cookies
I miss your hugs
I miss every thing.. every day, I miss you…

The only thing I don’t miss, is the way that I made you feel, the way that I drained you and stopped you from having what you wanted.

I was selfish and a coward, i wanted so badly to share a life with you, to be with the most amazing women I had ever met. You were so pure, so good at being peaceful, while I was the opposite. You were built with such awesome focus and this amazing ability to always make the right decisions, you just knew what to do… me, the survivor, useless, and always so far out of my league.

I will always love you, I always have, from the moment I saw you. I think you know that, I think that you have always known that. And although that I might swear I wish I didn’t, I am glad I do. For if I didn’t, I definitely wouldn’t be half as who I am today.. I think we both know now that the best way I can love you now is to let you go. You wanted a provider and a protector, two things which as much as I tried and so wanted to be, I wasn’t. The best way to love you is to let you find someone who can love you better than me. Fuck that hurts to write that…

I know you hate drama, and this seems dramatic. You will probably never lay eyes on this but if you do, try not to hate me for it. And try not to hate me for cutting you off. I think you know why I did it, and I hope you understand.

I hope your new guy makes you feel amazing and treats you better than I ever could, if he doesn’t, well, just let me know…

Have a fantastic life miss pretty. X

ryan