I have mostly recovered from our break-up. But I still think about you a lot, and from time to time, I end up crying my eyes out. It’s just strange to think that we were so close, and now you won’t even acknowledge my existence. I wish I didn’t care, but I do… I’m not afraid to admit I made mistakes, yet you refuse give me any kind of closure or forgiveness. You act as if I cheated on you or something. Honest to God, all I ever wanted to do was spend time with you.
I think at some point my love kind of became an obsession. I didn’t give you enough space. I never thought some of the things I did bothered you that much, because I’m an airhead; but still, it wasn’t right for you to just give me the silent treatment whenever you were mad. That weekend before we broke up, I didn’t call you because I had no idea why you were mad at me. I didn’t tell you that when we broke up, but I don’t know if you would have believed me even if I did. I’m not sure why you had so little trust in me. I really never expected you to just put up with my flaws. I was willing to compromise, but since you told me to just “deal with” your problems it seemed like you weren’t willing to compromise yourself.
I know I said I didn’t expect a reply to that letter I gave you, but I don’t think it meant a thing to you and that hurts… I didn’t think you would really leave for the summer without so much as a word to me. But what hurts the most is that one thing you said when you dumped me… I’m not going to write it here because it’s too painful. I did some stupid things, but I gave you a lot of love… I really thought I made you feel as loved as you made me feel loved.
I told you I hope someday we can be friends… maybe that would be even more awkward than things are now. I guess what I meant was I just want to be on good terms. You know, so we don’t have to avoid each other if we ever cross paths in the future. If you really just want to pretend we never knew each other… well ok. But although it might not have seemed like it, I really was devastated by our break up; after all, you were my first love!! I still think you’re a good guy at heart, but it’s quite mean of you to leave me hanging like this. I’m trying to forget about you, but I really long for your forgiveness… just to put my mind at rest.
I wrote another letter on this website in April, but I needed to vent again- hopefully for the last time. I won’t send this to you, nor will I send any more texts. But I hope that someday, even if it’s years from now, we can make up, even if we may never be a couple again.
2 Comments
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Dearest Author,
Your words were heartfelt to this reader as I to was in similar circumstances to which you have elegantly written. You may say I would be the intended reader such as it maybe yet we shall never know dear author.
It is sad in life when two soul mates miscommunicate between one another. If only we all spoke to one another with such compassion and conviction as you have just now. She was like no other, it was if we destined to be……not to be, through unforeseen circumstances which was due to outside influences. I wish it wasn’t so & I could turn back time. i would have sold my soul to the devil just to spend one more day with her, gaze upon her eyes, melt under that irresistable smile, talk about everything & anything & that was amazing! I could describe her for eternity that is how much sway she had on me. Everyone that met her felt the same, just as I was to an enigma to all those I meet. Anyone would have thought we were married for a lifetime-that is how well we connected. When someone gives their heart to another that person will always carry a piece of their heart for eternity regardless if it was a season or a lifetime. She was so spiritually intune as I am now becoming. I speak not as in the religious view but in one enlightenment, mindfulness & balanced/grounded within the “Uni-verse”.
I smile as i say that as ive only been Christened not two weeks back, ive always been a Christian, yet as she once pointed out to me how could i be? She was an Orthadox Christian & I will say I was overwhelmed by the cultural side of their beliefs just as I was her cultural background. We don’t have anything like that here in WA. It was my dearly recently departed father’s choive as he was against it.
You said you never cheated & so did she, I did believe her but I needed to hear from her understanding of where I was coming from. She had many male friends & females too(popular girl) yet she did not see why I wasn’t always happy or approving of meeting certain male friends by themselves, & some of those male friends supposedly had partners. I even asked her to alay my fears by introducing me to them so I could see for myself. I wonder if she remembers I asked that?
Certain male characters had desired her the first day she met them(she is a vervacious vixen)& even some wished to marry her! She told me these things & I’m not a jealous man, I have very good instincts as I’m a people person. Where I was coming from is the male friends perspective, she may have seen them as platonic yet many men will stay in that “friend zone” for years just for that opportunity especially in where we had a huge disagreement because she went out drinking with him. It was out of character I thought the things she accidentally revealed to me.
I’m not sure if she knew I was asking loaded questions which she answered incorrectly. All I asked is her to not see that certain one friend! Out of all the friends she had! Was I not more important? I always felt she put her friends first & she did! That crushed me more than she knew as I dropped everything to be with her. She wondered why i got angry & lost my temperr or I became aloof-it was so i didnt loose my temper as i was hurting so badly as i felt betrayed. My trust was diminshing & righty so . All she had to do is reassure me withactions not just words. there were other instances too but ineed not go there. Another lesson & story in itself. She could not see or understand where I was coming from. Not many men would have tolerated that. I did as the love I had for her & I believed she was oblivious or naive to to the situation. It’s sad now as the whole time we were together we talked about children and settling down, I wanted to marry that woman! & it took me to point out certain things that she may well now know which is needed so she can ensure that she has a successful life long relationship with a man. She didn’t even know that I had purchased an engagement ring & was going to propose on that Australia Day weekend I took her away until we argued. I believe I was justified in what I asked but not in the way I behaved or composed myself.
Her friends she would confide in weren’t the best of who to seek for viewpoints(she would utmost disagree with that & who wouldn’t as its their friends). She would hate me saying that yet I’m being honest as I’ve met them. They are all successful decent people, I liked nearly all of them,her close friends aren’t wha I consider people who could give a non-biased viewpoint as I saw underneath their exterior as they had repeated failed relationships. They themselves confide in me these things.
I only wish she listened to her sister more as she was wise beyond her years. I got that insecure I confided in her sister, I know that is wrong to do, yet I was running out of options. Her sister agreed with me on those occasion & went into bat for me as they thought the world of me as I her. I miss her son’s Maxim & Marshmellow(nickname). They were so funny.
I too was at fault as because I felt insecurities that I was now having I withdrew my inner feelings more and more & thus why she would have felt I did not care about hers. I didn’t know what was true or not all because of that.
I was also mis-diagnosed with antidepressant’s later down the tract because of a family member who was close to death. The chemical imbalance within me changed my perception on everything as I was not myself any longer. Oh I wish I knew that before we separated. That is one of the only things that upsets me from all of that as to loose your “true love” because of something that wasn’t my fault(my words and actions were but…..) as why would you question a doctor. I thought I was getting depression. And then after that family member passed I fell to pieces, she had left two weeks before & I felt abandoned & unloved. I said some very hateful cruel words. I had never been like that before in my life to another. It’s only after visiting a clinical psychologist I was found to be mis diagnosed with perscription antidepressants;(
She believed I was clingy, codependent? Yes I was to a degree because she was already pulling away so I was reaching out to her as one does when thy love another.
Since separation she didn’t wish to see me so I didn’t as I’m not one to harass another if not wanted. Then to my surprise she was waiting for me to come back and got angry I didn’t. I missed the boat I never even knew was there. She could have come to me? Pride? Now it was my turn after many months to outreach my hand as she was on my thought from dusk till dawn. But it is over now as she wants me not as she loves me no more. I was always the one finding her and this time she does not wish to be found and I am not finding her for I can’t go on with the pain of love lost. I shall miss her as she was truly the one. I hope she looks back one day and realizes what may have been. I’ll never know. Goodbye my love xco
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Wow these two hit home. The regretful pain of miscommunication disguised as differences. But, then again, the result is the same no matter what I discover about about myself post D. I have had to learn to accept myself, only I can make myself happy.
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