A,
It’s been 2 years. 11 months and 29 days since that dreadful day when you told me we should take a break. I’m sure you don’t remember the date and the time but I do.

We dated for 9 months and sometimes for me it felt like all my life. In retrospect I guess you could say it was practically all my life since I’ve loved you. I loved you from the first time I met you when I was in grade 5 and you were climbing on the monkey bars and I was just sitting there on the steps. I know it’s odd to say love when in reality I was only 10 but from that day on I never went a day without thinking of you. Ten years later, I’m still sitting here. Wanting to go find you and tell you about how many things are going on in my life, because you were the only one that actually made me laugh and smile when I thought I couldn’t anymore.

Being with you was like a dream. It was all I wanted for so long that I used to stand outside my house at night just waiting for a shooting star so I could wish for it – wish for you. No one ever told me that when you get everything you want (you) you’re more afraid of losing it then anything. I never told you how much you meant to me when I had you because I was afraid that maybe you didn’t feel the same way. Til one day you told me you loved me. I was ready to tell you the moment I asked you out but I figured I’d wait for the perfect moment. Then there you went just blurting it out and I think that that was one of the happiest moments of my life.

I never thought that one day you’d be gone. We made a promise once that no matter what happened we would always be close. I resent how naive and young we were because eventually all good things come to an end. When I pass you in the store sometimes I just want to say hi but I know that’s not what you want so I just continue walking.

Do you ever think about me? Do you ever want to call my number when you have exciting news and then remember? I miss you so much.

We stopped talking about a year ago and I already forget why we stopped talking in the first place. I think it was my fault. Actually, I know it was my fault, because I was so cruel to you afterwards. I thought it would be easier if you hated me and so I did everything I possibly could for you to do so. I didn’t want to wake up every morning thinking that maybe today will be the day that she gets back with me. I just wanted it over. I just wanted to feel something other then hurt and pain. I eventually began to resent you because I figured everything in my life that wasn’t going the way I wanted it to be was your fault.

I’m so sorry for ever making those decisions. I made it this way I know that but I just want you to know that I miss you. I miss the way you used to come down the stairs and smile at me like you haven’t seen me forever. I miss when you would call me at 12 in the morning and at around 2:30 your phone would die so you’d have to call me back and how it was the end of the world if you couldn’t. I miss how when we were meeting each other in the hallway how you would pick up your pace just a tad bit faster because you wanted to be with me just a few more seconds in the day.

I go through every day with memories and it’s getting to the point where I just smile at the stupid things we used to do together. It used to cause this severing pain in my chest that felt like I was about to break into two. I read our old messages yesterday. I literally had to sit on my hands to stop myself from running to you.

I know I gave all your stuff back to you, I still wonder if you still have them or you threw everything that ever reminded you of me away.

I regret not keeping those things. In a few years from now when things get easier and I can bear it all again. I would’ve loved to open it up and smile. Smile at the toy car I gave you for your birthday. You asked for a red hard top convertible. Unfortunately, I was 16 and didn’t have the money so I spent all day the mall looking at toy cars that was the closest match to what you asked for. I know it was stupid but if I could’ve bought you a real one I would’ve. I would still love to read the letters we gave each other before we started dating. How I told you I liked you in a letter, and you being you didn’t understand me so I ripped it up and told you to forget about it. I was so embarrassed that day.

What I’m trying to say is all those things in that box I gave back to you were so much more than just objects. They were you and me. A story that was doomed from the start but we didn’t care what any one said and that’s what made it so magical.

I’ll probably never give them to you but ever since we stopped talking I have written you a letter almost every day. They’re in a shoebox under my bed. I know it’s a total “Notebook” move but its how we started becoming close; writing to each other; and maybe this is how i’ll say goodbye. In a letter. I write to you because at the end of the day you’re all I think about. I think about the way you kissed me and how you hugged me. I don’t ever want to forget. I know I used to joke around and tell you that I forgot how you kissed but truth is I’ll never forget. It’s like a test for me every night. Last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. In the mornings I can’t help but smile because your image pops into my head; the way you used to smile at me. I know it’s cliché but you’re the reason I still wake up in the mornings. That promise to myself before I go to bed that maybe tomorrow I’ll talk to you and ask you how you’re doing. It’s truly what keeps me going.

I still write to you because I still have so much to say to you but I can’t put into words so I try my hardest to scribble it down on paper. I’m hoping that maybe one day I’ll have nothing left to say and the page will be blank and all I’ll have to write is goodbye. I know it’s rude to say but that’s my hope. If I can’t have you, I have to learn to let go, and you know i’m not good at that so i’m doing it the only way I know how. Basically going back to the start of where we truly began.

You were my first love. I was told that you’ll never forget your first love, and how true that is. So here it is “A” . Another letter that you’ll never read.

My big finisher is telling you that, I stopped going outside at night. I stopped wishing upon a shooting star. I had my one wish, that wish was you. No matter how I spin it. I was in love with you the moment I met you. Maybe even before that. Maybe in the future I’ll start gazing at the stars again, because I think at the end of the day maybe that’s what you wanted me to do. I’ll love you forever. Thanks for teaching me to be a better person and to smile more. I wouldn’t have changed anything… except maybe the baseball thing.