Dear John,

That’s how you always thought this relationship was going to end, wasn’t it? A dear John letter and some tear filled confession from me, but I’m a better person than you ever gave me credit for aren’t I? I would have stayed with you through it all and I do miss you, everyday. I wake up and have to pep talk myself into having a tear free morning because “you’re not worth it”. But you are. You were. Before you changed. When we started this thing everyone told me this would happen.

“Get out of there, girl, you don’t want this life, he’ll change, you two can’t do the distance, you’re too young, blahblahblah….” But I was in love and of course we could do anything we wanted to. We’re too stubborn to break up. We’re too stubborn to give up on each other. You made me too happy for this not to be the real thing. And we had a beautiful two years together. I will never forget a day of it. The interest you feigned in my reading habits, the nights I spent awake just to watch you play all the way through a video game, our quiet evenings where we’d watch a movie, I’d rub your back, and we’d drift off…. Our anniversary on the beach… the weekend that i drove for 24 hours straight just so I could see you on our day… There were so many things that you did that made me fall so hard.

I give you props, though. It took me a really long time to notice that I was all alone. You had the upper hand and I was the only one vulnerable in this relationship. It took me a long time to realize that I only heard my own voice in our conversations. And then… after the last time you visited… You said you’d see me later when you left and that we were going to be okay and then you disappeared. You fell off the map, didn’t reply to any text or call… I was scared out of my mind and the truth finally came out. You accused me of using you for your money and broke my heart. How could you think so low of me? Why couldn’t you just talk to me before exploding?

Ever since then it’s been a battle every night. We’ve been hot and cold and in love and in hate and we’re such a mess. We’ll fight for eight hours and then fall asleep looking at each other. You say you want to try and that you’re sorry but then you don’t try and we’re back to square one. I’m exhausted babe… I can’t stand one more conversation with you that’s completely one sided. I won’t be able to stand watching you ignore me and be annoyed with me. I can’t stand your general unhappiness with everything you see or do. I can’t bear another second of this sick attempt at fixing something that I’m pretty sure we’ve broken beyond repair. We never really stood a chance anyways. God, I haven’t seen you laugh in months…

How am I supposed to be happy with someone who is absolutely never happy? We used to have fun. This used to be the only thing that made sense. You balanced me. And I can’t even say that we’re over. Sure, I’ll try to move on, but every time someone asks about my ex, how could I ever say that’s you? You were never ex boyfriend material in my head. I’ll always be waiting for my handsome marine to show up at my door, apology in hand. I’ll always be wanting to fix this. I’ll. Always. Be. Waiting. That’s a promise I have no choice but to keep. I love you, even if I don’t like you right now. I hope you find something that makes you feel happy again. I wish it had been me. Maybe someday it will be.

Polo.