Dear Matt,

I you came into my life at a time when I was convinced that the world was a beautiful place, but I still building myself back up from being knocked down. When I finally told you that I was a domestic violence survivor you could have run for the hills just then, but you didn’t. In so little time you broke down all my walls and convinced me that it was safe to love you. You promised you would never hurt me and I believed you.

We had such good times and made some memories I will always cherish. I choose to hold on to those; the ones where you were my amazing man and I was your baby cakes. I loved ice skating with you, sailing in Maine, karaoke, Christmas with your family, and so many more little moments. There were memories that are just as strong, but not so happy; you held me as my dog died and I held you as you cried when you were coming to the realization that you may have to have your old dog put to sleep too.

In retrospect I wish I had been able to shut my brain off so that I didn’t pester you about things that didn’t really matter. In the long run does it really matter that you being so opposed to anyone getting married ever, yet being a staunch supporter of gay marriage makes you a hypocrite. I know now that it gave you the wrong idea that I was thinking about marriage. At one point in my life I thought marriage was important to me, but I know that is not really what I want.

The truth is we never had a single fight, not one. We always discussed everything and got to the root of it. I was grateful for that.

So after nearly two years you suddenly got distant for two weeks. It was like there was a kill switch somewhere that you hit. Then you dropped the bomb, you don’t really love me and you don’t want me and that your performance issues were probably in some way my fault. I’m sure it wasn’t your intention to do it for my birthday. I’m sure you never realized that instead of getting distant you could have just talked to me like we always had so that I didn’t feel so blindsided. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been left feeling so vulnerable that the night terrors were back. The nightmares had always been the same, but now instead of just reliving what I had hoped was behind me, you were in them. In them you just stood there and watched and let it happen, like I was nothing to you. Luckily that only lasted a few weeks until I didn’t feel so vulnerable anymore.

Now the only thing that is hard is that I still have no clue why you just stopped loving me. I had no closure and you want to be friends, so you email me and facebook me and text me. I am having a Christmas party and your sister asked if she and your mom could come. It’s sad that I am really hoping that it is okay with you that they come because your mom is the closest person I’ve ever had to a mother and all I’ve really wanted for the past few weeks is a hug from her.

So now I find myself trying to date again but finding it even harder to trust than ever before. I’m sure you are probably dating already and I wish you all the happiness in the world. Just don’t make the same mistakes you did with me. First, go to your doctor already, erectile dysfunction is not your partner’s fault, it is a medical condition that can be treated… so don’t try to make her feel like it is something she has done wrong. I loved you despite it and I’m sure another woman will too. Second, share your feelings with her, if you are questioning the relationship talk to her about it, don’t just blindside her. Lastly, I know that eventually we can be friends again, we were amazing friends to one another after all, but give me a little time. It’s only been a few weeks so multiple texts and emails a day some days are probably not helping me not compare every new guy to you. Give me a few more weeks okay?

A little part of my heart will always belong to you, that part of me that always lit up when you called me your baby cakes while I was baking in the kitchen will always be yours. Every time I look at all the work we did together on this old house I will think of that part of you that was my amazing man.

Love and best wishes,

Your Baby Cakes