I still want you.

I still need you.

I still want my life with you.

So I’m sitting here crying, I can’t stop. The truth is I haven’t stopped crying for the past two weeks. The sound of any song especially Drake (the songs we made love to) or Lil Wayne makes my heart bleed. I used to be the type of girl that felt girls exaggerated being heartbroken, but I can’t deal. A part of me doesn’t want to exist. The fact that you don’t want me is too hard to comprehend. I sit here and look at my whatsapp messages, stalk what time you was last seen just so I know your alive, just so I know your still out there. I don’t get why you don’t get it. Why you don’t understand.

I am ready to be your wife.

I am ready to bare your children.

I know my faith tells me if you love something let it go. Everywhere I go they keep saying that God has a bigger plan for you, a better plan for you but what if I never find anyone like you? I struggle to believe that there is anyone out there better than you? I want your everything. Even if it means I will be happy half the time I will still take the risk just to be happy the other half.

You don’t understand how you have made me feel. I sit here and cry I cannot remember the last time I didn’t shed a tear over you. I cant concentrate, I cant sleep, I cant eat. Why don’t you want me?

Am I not pretty enough? Am I fat? Do I not make you laugh?You don’t understand.

I would have done anything for you, fly across the world for you just to make you smile. You’re happy but what about my happiness? I cant even go to uni without wanting to cry. I smile at my friends because by now I should be over it, it was only a man they say but God does it hurt.

The thought of her is what I hate the most. Making you smile, making you laugh when it should be me.

I don’t want this. I never asked for this.

My heart literally feels like someone put a knife inside it and its being twisted and I have no control over it. I poured my heart to you, told you everything about how I feel, how I felt and how I hope to feel and all you could say was okay.

I really just don’t want to be part of this world. Lets pretend I don’t exist because I cant feel like this anymore. Can someone please numb the pain?

What hurts me the most and to some extent angers me is simply the fact that as I cry, as much as I’m hurt, can’t sleep, can’t move on your with her. You’re with her and your happy and I cant be. I never will be.

The truth is im hurting. Will I ever be happy? I don’t think so,

The fact of the matter is I want you and only you.