Dear Elijah,

I hope you never see this. That’s a lie; possibly sarcasm. I learned that from you, you know; the sarcasm stuff. I never understood sarcasm before you came along. I can’t think of a better way to start this off; I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I took advantage of your innocence. I’m sorry for the last month and a half of our relationship. I’m sorry I didn’t make you comfortable enough to say no. I took things much farther than they ever had to go because I was so unsure of how to keep you. I’m sorry I relationshipped wrong. I was about to do it right; I was about to tell you. Pour out my heart to you. It was a Tuesday when you broke us. I relive that Tuesday like it’s an episode of Supernatural. I was going to tell you everything on Saturday.

Four. days. later.

I was going to tell you I didn’t feel comfortable with what we did “in the dark”. I was going to tell you that I wanted to go out and do things more. I was going to ask you to KOH that day too (signs and plans already complete since before you broke it off). I was going to tell you that you mean so much to me. I was going to tell you that you saved me after I attempted suicide. I was going to THANK YOU for staying with me through all my emotions and self destructive habits. I was going to tell you I love you. I would still tell you today if I knew you cared. Because I do still love you, and I miss what we had; what we lost in December. I miss walking home with you after you missed your bus. I miss going to movies with you and having “stay-in” nights with “background music”. I miss your big dorky smile and the way you would jokingly dodge me when I tried to kiss you. I miss your stupid adorable laugh and I miss my cuddle monster. I miss your frustration with the littlest things; like a slight smudge of the paint on your {my} mug, or having your hoodie strings perfectly aligned. I miss the way you were so reserved, and every other way we were different–I miss every way we were the same. I’m so thankful for what we had. I’m so thankful for all the times you beat me in board games (ahem EVERY TIME, but it’s okay). I’m so thankful that I could experience being with someone who cared about me as much as I care about them. I’m so thankful that I could interact with such a wonderful family. I’m so thankful that God planted someone so caring and sweet and special and LARGE and absolutely wonderful in my little world, even if for a short while… I wish you could have stayed longer. I wish we could have made second mugs. I wish you could have seen camp. I wish we could have made rules clear. I wish we could have played beach volleyball. I wish I could have seen you passionately immersed in something you loved. I wish I had heard you say those three little words on that oncoming Saturday.

But I didn’t hear them. And that’s okay. You know why? Because you’re happy. I can see it in your beautifully sculpted face. Every day. Yeah, it definitely hurts to know that you probably couldn’t care less what happens to me from this point on, but if you’re happier when you do not care, then it’s okay with me. I just want you to be happy, and if that means you don’t care or feel some other negative emotion towards me; then that’s fantastic.

I admit it more than I should; I’m not perfect. Far from it actually. My SAD (seasonal affective depression) makes me feel like less of a person during the winter. I become careless and more, uh, open with myself. It’s like someone gives me a double dose of horny goat juice. I didn’t warn you. I thought I’d be able to retain my feelings. But I couldn’t. And that’s where things changed. You fell in love with the girl that hadn’t succumbed to her SAD just yet. We went from occasionally Facetiming and seeing each other once (sometimes more) a week to desperately drowning ourselves in sinner’s passion once every few weeks. But since you broke us off, I learned self control. I have officially stepped away from allowing my SAD to dictate what I am to do with the people I love so dearly.

I am honestly so sorry I followed all the online forums on how to “keep my man” that said “give him his space; you don’t want to seem needy”. I regret ruining our relationship by ceasing every practice that brought us to our peak.

Oh my God. I am genuinely, terribly, inconceivably, sorry. I wouldn’t feel half as sorry if I dropped a piano onto a box of kittens.

I want to tell you that I care. I want to tell you that if you are ever feeling down, that I will be there to pick you up; without expecting a relationship out of it. Because that’s not what you want with me, and if that’s not what you want, then that’s not what I want either. I’m here for you, even if you aren’t here for me, because I know that Jesus would do the same. God wants me to forgive. But I should learn a lesson from what has been done; I have learned how to mend my heart myself, so I forgive you for breaking it. I hope that you can forgive me too, especially for writing this letter. May there be volleyball nets and White Tipped Earl Grey where e’er you tread and may all your dreams come true; You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid. I love you, Elijah Paul.