I guess I’m writing this because I feel that to have any form of closure I need to express my feelings to you.

It’s hard to put into words what I am about to write. I want to express myself in such a way that shows you my thoughts and feelings, in the hope that you read this with an open heart and mind.

We have formed a bond over the last 2 years that has surpassed all difficulties that have been placed in front of us. Almost like someone who has all of a sudden become debilitated and has had to overcome their disability to go on and achieve great things.

We have expressed on numerous occasions how life is pretty crap without each other. We have been apart and recognised that we do actually enrich each others lives. And yes, we have had some pretty tough times too.

I get told by friends “plenty more fish in the sea” I agree, however easy it may be to go out and meet other people, it doesn’t take into account that instant attraction and connection that occurs when someone who just “knocks ya socks off” appears in your life. I guess it’s love at first sight syndrome. Lets face it maybe I’m not unique and you have connected with someone like that in the past. But to be with someone who tingles your every sense. The eye contact, the electricity that buzzes around the place when together, the smell off each other which rages our hormones. Ha I even think that if we argued the best thing to do would be to take a good long sniff off each other and it would settle down lol.

This wonderful experience I have shared with you has also made me realise that we have both been suppressing fears that have long been embedded in our physic, long before we met.I feel that the problem is, that we love each other so immensely and that the though of losing each other has been something so awful to contemplate that eventually small triggers start pulling these fears to the surface. Emotional survival kicks in and before we know it we are doing everything to protect ourselves rather than doing everything to protect the relationship. Please correct me if I’m wrong it would be good to hear your views !

I recognise that in previous relationships my fears haven’t surfaced because quite frankly I haven’t loved that person enough for it to have any impact on my heart and well being. However with you I know that to be different and have lived with that impact. And I think after what you have expressed to me before, you have too.

I have recognised in my self recently that the deep seated fears that have surfaced, are not caused by you or our relationship but from the collective of loss and disappointment that I have endured since childhood. My parents splitting, Dad never being there, Mum being so strict and negative and of course the sudden loss of Andrew, amongst other things . Feelings that I realise that I have suppressed my feelings rather than dealt with them.

So last week wasn’t about me not loving you. Or me not wanting to be with you. It was about fear ! Fear of losing you ! Protecting myself from what I thought was conflict and breakdown. Naively, I though that walking out on an argument was avoiding conflict, however skewed thinking on my part I didn’t realise that it would escalate the situation. I’m deeply sorry for that I truly am. My reactions on Thursday was pure confusion on my part and my defensive mechanisms kicking in.

So the big question is where do I go from here. Well to enable me to move forward and be an amazing partner to whoever I will spend the rest of my life with, I have identified that these past problems need dealing with. So the time for action is now !

You know me well enough to know that I am good person. I have shown you the qualities that you desire in me. You have had me at my best, as I have with you and theses moments we have shared have been some of the most profound, loving experiences of my life. And far out weigh any negatives that have caused our negative emotions. I accept that I have lost you. I also accept that I may have to regretably move on sniffing my way to find my next connection and love at first sight gal. My time with you was part of the journey that had to be taken. Our relationship brilliant as it was, exposed a weakness in me. It’s a good thing and I have to thank you as, I have also realised that if I don’t deal with theses weaknesses history will repeat itself when I formulate another relationship. Acceptance is the first phase of moving on.

Firstly I have booked myself in for therapy (what he’s a nutter I hear you say ha !) Well you would be wrong because I’m far from it. There is so much emphasis now on looking after your body and eating healthily etc that we are all guilty of neglecting the one thing that is the route core of happiness and well being. “Our minds” I have identified and sought advice. It’s like when you have a filing cabinet and you have neglected to keep your paperwork in order. One day you need to bite the bullet and sort through it and file it correctly. It really is as simple as that ! My first appointment is Thursday.

To ignore is weakness. To acknowledge is strength ! Recognising that you need somebody just to help you get your house in order so you can move forward to have a more productive life. I have been self improving for quite sometime now. My attitude towards life in general and using meditation have really embraced the positive affirmations that makes life so much more enlightening. However I really feel that I need help to get over the last hurdle…….Yep my fears !

Secondly is my goals. Yes, where will I be in 20 years time ? Well I have already expressed my desires with you and the child thing is a very happy thought, however I understand that, that may be a goal that mother nature may not let me achieve so I accept it. What’s more important to me is the progression of a life long partnership with someone I love deeply. I have to be realistic, even though I do have a deep love and bond for you I accept the fact that fate maybe playing against me and you are not the person I am meant to be with. If that’s the case then I can at least move forward with, and little time I know I will be able to open my heart and let another in.

However a new relationship is a new beginning. So wether that be with someone else or you then it’s a new relationship. Not an old one!!!

I’m not doing this for you, or us. I’m doing this for myself. Everything I have written here is me digging deep and opening my life up to you. Somehow I hope that you can identify with what I have said. I know that your life has been tough and because I know what you have gone through to some degree I emphasise with you at all levels. We have both experienced loss and disappointment in our lives and you or I haven’t had it any harder or softer than each other. We’ve just had it happen to us ! I’m never going to judge you and tell you what you should do. I’m just expressing my feelings and fears to my best friend and my lover.

I’m scared of what I am about to do but also excited at the fact that the end result, I will be such a happier, more productive and loving human being. The fears I have don’t even compare to the positive outcomes it will produce and will lead me in becoming a brilliant individual. The results will speak for themselves.

So as the heading suggested, I’m stepping out of the dark. Isn’t it sad how brilliant we are with each other in so many ways yet when our fears creep in we both don’t really know which way to turn. God if we could have dealt with that we would have it nailed sweetheart.

So that’s what I’m going to do. Nail it ! I have nothing to lose expressing my thoughts and feelings towards you and everything to gain wether fate brings us back together or not.

Take care

Love always

Al x