I thought my last letter was my very last one and that I’d never write again. But it’s such a big temptation. I still keep finding some small things out every time I start to overthink, but I don’t know why I keep writing on here, it’s not like you’re going to read any of these, I guess it’s just for me to figure some things out as well.

Well, my past nightmare came true. We’re back to strangers. This time it’s for real though, before you always ended up talking to me at some point or another, but not this time, I guess it’s really the last of our ‘friendship’. We were so close, I’ve never trusted anyone like I trusted you, not even my best friends, well you were my best friend. You understood me in ways no one ever did and that’s why I find it so hard to forget everything that happened. It’s been over a year since we broke up, and I’m still grieving, when I should’ve moved on a long time ago. I can’t understand why I keep thinking about this situation, I really wish I forgot everything a long time ago, but I haven’t.

The thing is, I always think of the good times and I forget to remember all the shit you put me through. For starters and the thing that has hurt me most was that few days after we broke up, you immediately started liking the one person I was so jealous of. I knew you liked her before you knew me and that you always had a thing for her, but I never thought that you’d end up choosing her over me even after all we had been through.

I’ve fought so hard to keep our friendship, but it never looked like you had much interest after a few months that we broke up. I’ve written you so many paragraphs and nothing really seemed to work, we grew apart. I thought that maybe the spark will always keep us coming back, but we changed too much and I think that spark is gone. We haven’t had a normal conversation in so long and I miss us telling each other about our days and what’s happening in our lives, along with the things that kept us up at night, things that I’m not sure I’ve ever told anyone else.

I still miss you, all the time. You made me smile without even trying and no one has ever made me feel the way that you do. I think the only way I’ll ever move on is that someone else has to come along and make me feel more butterflies than you did, but that’s quite impossible since I’m so picky when it comes to relationships.

The thing I miss most though is our friendship. Our relationship wasn’t such a physical one, we didn’t even kiss, but it was emotionally bonded and I think that’s the most important part of a relationship. I don’t regret falling for you, it may have made my life a living hell after our break up, but I don’t regret the things we did. I regret the things we didn’t get the chance to, and probably never will get the chance to do. And that’s kissing, cuddling, going on dates alone, listening to The Beatles’ music near the sea, under the stars, that’s the thing that hurts most, that we had the chance to do all these amazing things and we were too shy to even try before it was over.

You were or still are a nice guy. I’ve never doubted that. But I never thought you’d hurt me so much and that’s why you disappointed me. I thought I meant more to you then just another girl, but from most of your actions you prove me wrong. Like how it’s so easy for you to not talk to me lately, and I still have to force myself not to think about you. But I don’t want you to be miserable like me anyways, you deserve to be happy but I just thought that at least I’d have a small place in your life after I knew that there was no chance that we’d ever be together again and that’s because of your wish to become a priest. It wasn’t easy for me to accept it as I loved you with every piece of me, but I admired you for being strong enough to make the best decision for yourself and it was the best decision because I know nothing can make you happier than God himself.

I just wish we remained friends after I found out. I hope you don’t think that I  only wanted us to be friends just so we could get back together cause that’s really not the case. Yes, I probably will always have feelings for you, but believe it or not I always put you in front of me in most situations and I always kept my feelings for myself after I found out what you wanted to do with your life. I wanted you to come and talk to me about it, I know you rarely open up to people, but I just thought that maybe you’ll know in your heart that you can talk to me about whatever you want. I would’ve never judged you, you know that. I always respected your love for Christianity as I try to be the best Christian I can myself, but maybe it was my fault as well as I spent the following months after our break up being depressed about it and all I showed was interest in you having feelings for me and not our friendship, and I’m sorry but I couldn’t really control it at that time.

Most of my friends are tired of hearing me complain about this situation and I really don’t blame them cause I’ve made myself sick just thinking about it and I’m so tired, I have been for a long time. But I’ve tried and I tried and I always end up thinking about it I don’t know why. Most people think why the hell aren’t you over him yet? And I ask myself that question every day.

I want to be able to live my life without forcing myself to stop thinking cause I’m sure that you’re my only weakness. I don’t really admit it to myself but I still do my best to look pretty whenever I know that I’m going to see you, I don’t know why, it’s not like it’s going to make any difference. And I still laugh a little harder whenever you’re near so maybe you’d think that I moved on and that I’m finally happy. My heart still beats like crazy whenever I see you, and whenever you talk to me face to face I always forget what I was going to say.

I just hope that in a near time, we can talk again cause this really hurts me and believe it or not it affects me more than anything else. I don’t want us to be strangers, I want to be able to tell you about my day and we’d talk about anything just not in a romantic way obviously cause I know that I need someone new in my love life. But we both let our egos get the best of us and neither of us is willing to start the conversation so I guess it’s a long shot, a very long shot, but what’s meant to be will always find a way I guess.

Take care,

Nicole