Dear ____ ,

I am at my weakest still and because i really loved you since the very beginning. Even, though we separated two years ago,  I DIDNT  AND NEVER TOOK PRIDE THAT I LEFT THE HOUSE.

Now when i look back and everything flashed before my eyes, at my lowest, no money or job and when i needed you the most, when my heart was not as innocent as it was, the only thing that stood beside me was, ME.

When i cried last night because I loved you so much, like I did before two years ago, that night you only slapped me or shook me or told me to shut up. I was even more heartbroken. It seemed that my  heart was only noise in your ears.

Your dismissal as I grieved and as I expressed that I loved you was beyond cruelty.

Your reactions were either sadness or mostly just anger and annoyance.

I NEVER FELT THIS IN MY HEART WHEN WE SEPARATED.

You were surprised that i cried so much. Because simply.. you were not there to see it.

Last night, Who in their right and loving mind will tell someone : Your a constant reminder of my mistake? How cruel is it for you to tell me this? Why do you blame me for the things that YOU DID and cannot do?

This further pained my heart since I am only and became a remnant of the things you did in the past. These were your words. Not mine.

It seemed when we got back together you had an unconcious need to make things right rather than truly and sincerely understanding the situation and understanding us. You had obsessed because you felt bad about what you did in that seven years.

And please, Kindly do not accuse me of being revengeful.

Its you who is , partaking in a unconcious revenge.

You are telling me and making me believe that It was  my fault that you had reached this kind of attitude and decision.

A true person who truly loves another person would not have your face that shook with anger or stood in annoyance as i crouched, kneeled and cried at your feet.

If the circumstances for you were different and you had nothing to depend on , you would respond to us differently. This is a true and concious fact.

In any way I look at it, you might try to convince yourself of all the things you want to believe BUT WHAT YOU FELT FOR ME WAS NEVER A PURE LOVE. It is part, BUT IT IS ALSO TINGED WITH DEPENDENCE AND NEED.

When you were at your lowest with your Ex, when your child was little , when you were lost, when you have your sudden constant temper, mood swings and verbal abuse, I LOVED AND UNDERSTOOD AND STOOD BY YOU FOR SEVEN YEARS. With sincerity and honesty, even though I felt i was going insane with your burst of temper and infidelity, when you say sorry , my heart told me to forgive you. And as you promised that it will never happen again and again , my mind believed this … and I always came back to you.

and even though I went on circles and walked away in tears and couldnt take it anymore you pulled me in and told me everything is gonna be alright.

L—-…….., You are wrong….Im not trying to make you feel guilty nor  I do not take pride on these things…but rather its because until now the only reason I was able to do those things was because I truly loved you.

It is with great strenght that I tried to truly understand your drastic change and it seemed that you only felt guilt that you left me at my lowest. Was I such a bad person that you justify all of what your doing now?

Even when you say I get angry or get upset suddenly…. L…you truly know this is not true. I do not get upset out of the blue. It is and never was my nature. In that seven years, when I had full emotional strenght , I only cried and never talked back. Ever. Instead I talked to you and cried, trying  to understand you.

It is with great pain, that even the second time around my heart and mind suffered.

What you did that night when I cried , you stood above me and told me ” You couldnt believe that I cried that much. That maybe if you knew, you would take pity on me. ‘

L—-, I was crying …. because My heart was expressing how much I loved you and NOTHING ELSE. But you stomped on it as if you didnt see the many times when I cried silently while you screamed on top of my head.

Like a bad recurring dream , you were shouting the same things…. “Stop. Your so loud ! Why are you crying!!!”

And now, you drop me like I had reached an expiration date.

Is this what real vows are made of? Is this the same kindness and understanding I bestowed upon you?

What you did and still doing, To this will forever be a scar in my heart and a wound that would never heal.

No matter how much my heart looks at you and convinces me that you are doing this for some repairable manner, the way you did things and end things……and last night when i cried at your feet , I only saw a man who felt I was a pebble in his shoes.

Who would believe me entirely, since I do not dare speak about what happens behind closed doors?Writing this…. To the world I might look like a crazy woman. This is no surprise. You had called me insane once , because I cried so much or I shook in fear or when my anxiety was in the edge all the time ….not knowing when or where your next anger will be coming from?

And when I broke away from that madness after that seven years, you blamed me, and labeled it as “I LEFT YOU”.

Still, i forgave you and  gave you another chance. But what you did in the end , as you want it to end now, was to point the finger at me and say I had exhausted you?

That YOU will live and restart your life afresh. Period.

Is this happening because, I talk back now? Did you got tired when I started expressing how I feel or what I want? Got exhausted because of my state or my feelings are fiercer and more clear? Was it because I ran as always and slept upstairs because thats the only thing I can do?

And now….you  rejoice at someone elses pain and take pride that I am suffering. That I finally got what I wanted? You mocked and lightly laughed at me that night as I cried…

You shouted that you dont care.

You dont give “what the fuck I feel”.

Yet you expressed that you wanted to be friends?

That early? With so much ease?

Who in their pained heart with a history like ours, a relationship of ten years would believe such an EASY CONSOLATION?

L— I am not dead yet but you are already offering your deepest sympathies.

With this my heart is truly speechless.

It is with great regret that I had to turn to my family and reveal my relationship with you.

My mother cried. For she is one of the first person who thought that you were the one who sacrificed in our relationship.

You know why? Because I spoke about you lovingly and with a positive manner. I hid my pain and never spoke about you. My mother knew that I loved you more than life itself.

L—-, all this time, i tried to even justify…your drastic and cruel change… is it your job? Because your child had grown up? Is it money? Is it because I am a burden now? Is it your bustling career change? Is it another woman? A better prospect? Because….. if you say and insist that the cause of your sudden break up with me…. WAS NOT ONE OF THESE  THINGS… The only left thing… is Love.

And if it is the case … then its even worse. Because if you truly loved me through thick and thin, as I bestowed the same respect to you, then… this would not be happening. If the only one thing left to point is love… you would bestow the same kind of loyalty and sacrifice when I am at my lowest, as I bestowed the same with you in the past.

L…..you had brought me great pain in different levels and forms , yet i still came back and stayed with you. With loyalty and faithfullness, because you made me believe that no matter how many mistakes you made , that tommorrow is going to be better as long we love each other and are together.

This are our words. I kept that promise.

Yet you tell me that now you want to reset things FOR YOURSELF. That there is no need to know who is in much more in pain or who has done more or less in our relationship. That we shouldnt be talking feelings here anymore.  That we shouldnt talk anymore. That…You are going to start YOUR LIFE.

In what way… what solace… on what level should I understand this?

You made it clear that you dont want me in your life anymore. Full stop. Simple and unmovable.

You didnt even wait for my heart to stop a beat. You just simply buried it alive.

I do not expect sympathy nor pity.. nor to fully understand your reasons anymore…..But out of respect….at least…you should be a biDear ____ ,

I am at my weakest still and because i really loved you since the very beginning. Even, though we separated two years ago,  I DIDNT  AND NEVER TOOK PRIDE THAT I LEFT THE HOUSE.

Now when i look back and everything flashed before my eyes, at my lowest, no money or job and when i needed you the most, when my heart was not as innocent as it was, the only thing that stood beside me was, ME.

When i cried last night because I loved you so much, like I did before two years ago, that night you only slapped me or shook me or told me to shut up. I was even more heartbroken. It seemed that my  heart was only noise in your ears.

Your dismissal as I grieved and as I expressed that I loved you was beyond cruelty.

Your reactions were either sadness or mostly just anger and annoyance.

I NEVER FELT THIS IN MY HEART WHEN WE SEPARATED.

You were surprised that i cried so much. Because simply.. you were not there to see it.

Last night, Who in their right and loving mind will tell someone : Your a constant reminder of my mistake? How cruel is it for you to tell me this? Why do you blame me for the things that YOU DID and cannot do?

This further pained my heart since I am only and became a remnant of the things you did in the past. These were your words. Not mine.

It seemed when we got back together you had an unconcious need to make things right rather than truly and sincerely understanding the situation and understanding us. You had obsessed because you felt bad about what you did in that seven years.

And please, Kindly do not accuse me of being revengeful.

Its you who is , partaking in a unconcious revenge.

You are telling me and making me believe that It was  my fault that you had reached this kind of attitude and decision.

A true person who truly loves another person would not have your face that shook with anger or stood in annoyance as i crouched, kneeled and cried at your feet.

If the circumstances for you were different and you had nothing to depend on , you would respond to us differently. This is a true and concious fact.

In any way I look at it, you might try to convince yourself of all the things you want to believe BUT WHAT YOU FELT FOR ME WAS NEVER A PURE LOVE. It is part, BUT IT IS ALSO TINGED WITH DEPENDENCE AND NEED.

When you were at your lowest with your Ex, when your child was little , when you were lost, when you have your sudden constant temper, mood swings and verbal abuse, I LOVED AND UNDERSTOOD AND STOOD BY YOU FOR SEVEN YEARS. With sincerity and honesty, even though I felt i was going insane with your burst of temper and infidelity, when you say sorry , my heart told me to forgive you. And as you promised that it will never happen again and again , my mind believed this … and I always came back to you.

and even though I went on circles and walked away in tears and couldnt take it anymore you pulled me in and told me everything is gonna be alright.

L—-…….., You are wrong….Im not trying to make you feel guilty nor  I do not take pride on these things…but rather its because until now the only reason I was able to do those things was because I truly loved you.

It is with great strenght that I tried to truly understand your drastic change and it seemed that you only felt guilt that you left me at my lowest. Was I such a bad person that you justify all of what your doing now?

Even when you say I get angry or get upset suddenly…. L…you truly know this is not true. I do not get upset out of the blue. It is and never was my nature. In that seven years, when I had full emotional strenght , I only cried and never talked back. Ever. Instead I talked to you and cried, trying  to understand you.

It is with great pain, that even the second time around my heart and mind suffered.

What you did that night when I cried , you stood above me and told me ” You couldnt believe that I cried that much. That maybe if you knew, you would take pity on me. ‘

L—-, I was crying …. because My heart was expressing how much I loved you and NOTHING ELSE. But you stomped on it as if you didnt see the many times when I cried silently while you screamed on top of my head.

Like a bad recurring dream , you were shouting the same things…. “Stop. Your so loud ! Why are you crying!!!”

And now, you drop me like I had reached an expiration date.

Is this what real vows are made of? Is this the same kindness and understanding I bestowed upon you?

What you did and still doing, To this will forever be a scar in my heart and a wound that would never heal.

No matter how much my heart looks at you and convinces me that you are doing this for some repairable manner, the way you did things and end things……and last night when i cried at your feet , I only saw a man who felt I was a pebble in his shoes.

Who would believe me entirely, since I do not dare speak about what happens behind closed doors?Writing this…. To the world I might look like a crazy woman. This is no surprise. You had called me insane once , because I cried so much or I shook in fear or when my anxiety was in the edge all the time ….not knowing when or where your next anger will be coming from?

And when I broke away from that madness after that seven years, you blamed me, and labeled it as “I LEFT YOU”.

Still, i forgave you and  gave you another chance. But what you did in the end , as you want it to end now, was to point the finger at me and say I had exhausted you?

That YOU will live and restart your life afresh. Period.

Is this happening because, I talk back now? Did you got tired when I started expressing how I feel or what I want? Got exhausted because of my state or my feelings are fiercer and more clear? Was it because I ran as always and slept upstairs because thats the only thing I can do?

And now….you  rejoice at someone elses pain and take pride that I am suffering. That I finally got what I wanted? You mocked and lightly laughed at me that night as I cried…

You shouted that you dont care.

You dont give “what the fuck I feel”.

Yet you expressed that you wanted to be friends?

That early? With so much ease?

Who in their pained heart with a history like ours, a relationship of ten years would believe such an EASY CONSOLATION?

L— I am not dead yet but you are already offering your deepest sympathies.

With this my heart is truly speechless.

It is with great regret that I had to turn to my family and reveal my relationship with you.

My mother cried. For she is one of the first person who thought that you were the one who sacrificed in our relationship.

You know why? Because I spoke about you lovingly and with a positive manner. I hid my pain and never spoke about you. My mother knew that I loved you more than life itself.

L—-, all this time, i tried to even justify…your drastic and cruel change… is it your job? Because your child had grown up? Is it money? Is it because I am a burden now? Is it your bustling career change? Is it another woman? A better prospect? Because….. if you say and insist that the cause of your sudden break up with me…. WAS NOT ONE OF THESE  THINGS… The only left thing… is Love.

And if it is the case … then its even worse. Because if you truly loved me through thick and thin, as I bestowed the same respect to you, then… this would not be happening. If the only one thing left to point is love… you would bestow the same kind of loyalty and sacrifice when I am at my lowest, as I bestowed the same with you in the past.

L…..you had brought me great pain in different levels and forms , yet i still came back and stayed with you. With loyalty and faithfullness, because you made me believe that no matter how many mistakes you made , that tommorrow is going to be better as long we love each other and are together.

This are our words. I kept that promise.

Yet you tell me that now you want to reset things FOR YOURSELF. That there is no need to know who is in much more in pain or who has done more or less in our relationship. That we shouldnt be talking feelings here anymore.  That we shouldnt talk anymore. That…You are going to start YOUR LIFE.

In what way… what solace… on what level should I understand this?

You made it clear that you dont want me in your life anymore. Full stop. Simple and unmovable.

You didnt even wait for my heart to stop a beat. You just simply buried it alive.

I do not expect sympathy nor pity.. nor to fully understand your reasons anymore…..But out of respect….at least…you should be a bit more kinder to someone who cried at your feet.

Unfortunately…….with a deep sadness and almost unbearable pain….these are mine.