Dear A,

Everything I knew about love before, you turned upside down. I knew love knew no age, no race, no religion, no physical flaws or limitations… But you taught me love knew no gender too. A few years ago, I never would have imagined falling in love with someone like you… I never would have… You were a friend for 14 years… But I did. And now it’s over.

Were those four months just a bout of limerence for you? Did you just try to love me as strongly as I did you? Was it a trial period, because hey, maybe it could work? Was it like that for you? When my mother knew in December, we had a month to try to go on, but last Feb, you made my being unappreciative of your efforts to inspire me to find a job and my not doing the little favors you ask of me as reasons to break up with me. You told me to fix myself and make sure I was okay before letting someone in my life. After breaking up, I remember making efforts to ask you back. In April, I finally found a job and wanted to get back together, because I thought I was already okay. I have confessed my past sins to my mother at that point as well, those that only you and my best friend knew about. I thought I was finally fixed, so we could resume. But you said, it was too late. You didn’t want me anymore. That you still loved me but you loved yourself more now. That you love me because of the years we had as friends. That maybe one day we could be friends again. What hurts more is that the version you spread is you got tired of loving me and deserved better. That I only knew how to say sorry and not make it up to you, when you didn’t even give me the chance to. You were always pushing me away. Now, it seems that you like someone new because you have something in common. A common goal, and she serves as your inspiration.

I fought so hard for you, I love you deeply still. Up to now I ask myself if your reason was valid and if the gravity of my sin was great, or it was my mother who you really were thinking of. That you did not want to hurt her by being with me. That you did not want me to hurt her. That you didn’t want your own parents to know and hurt them too. I don’t know whether you loved me more by doing the noble act of walking away or you loved me less because you didn’t stick around to fight for me and try to see if my mother will accept us. I honestly thought she would eventually, if she saw our love was real. That you loved me for real.

Each passing day, I still think of you constantly. Like an addict, I can’t bear to let the thought of you pass. Maybe I am too afraid that if I do forget you, that would be me really letting go of all the hope here in my heart that we would be together again… I’ve lost some weight due to lack of appetite. Work is just a momentary distraction from the pain. I try to be positive on social media so you would not worry about how I am doing. I try to move forward in these tiny steps I could make now.

God always bless you.

I love you so much still,

Ninin