Dear Sofie,

I want to write this letter you this letter because I want something really good to come out of our relationship. Maybe I feel safe writing this because you will soon reside half a world away and I’ll probably never see you again. I know I won’t feel this way forever; I’ll move on and the intensity of my feelings for you will fade. But my feelings right now are so real and so intense that I need to acknowledge them and I think telling you won’t hurt anything; hopefully you’ll read this and feel good :). I’m sure I’ve already left you with some memories, good and bad. Plenty of new experiences I’m certain. Maybe a bit of confusion with about the way I’ve acted throughout and maybe about why I was so devastated at the end. I want to leave you with something really positive: Your awesome; so awesome that somebody who should have known better fell in love with you even if just for a short time. I know you never quite felt the same way. I don’t mean any of this to hurt you, or make this breakup harder for you. You shouldn’t tread lightly fearing to break others hearts in the future. Shit happens. Without heartbreak there can’t be love, and love is beautiful even if its not reciprocated. I just want you to read this and be even more happy and confident than you already are.

They day I met you on the trail in the Blueys, I thought you were gorgeous, older than you are and also way out of my league. Canadian Dom and I were both infatuated immediately. When I found out you were just 18, I thought I should leave you be romantically. I had so much fun climbing with you that first day at the freezer, I couldn’t help myself; I offered to take you on a road trip to Arapiles. Even once we set out on the road together I intended to leave you alone. I should’ve known better, I knew I would likely fall hard for you; I knew you wouldn’t be ready; I knew I’d be devastated; you are just too good to be true!! If somebody had asked me to design my ideal girlfriend before I met you, she would be shockingly similar to you; except your even better, you’re real! In fact, I’d nicknamed you my ‘design a girlfriend’ in my journal and to a few people I’ve told about you. There are just so many things to love: Big round brown eyes, giant strong massage hands, soft lips. Your cute accent. Your strong, firm yet soft and perfectly shaped body. Your unwavering happiness and excitement for life. Your innocence; your curiosity; your confidence.  The way you bounce when you walk, even with those giant boots on. The way you learn so quickly (You’re so smart!). The way you climb with such talent and intensity.  ‘Le charmeur!’ you would say; Sofie I mean every word.

We hit the road and got to know each other well. You kept your distance at first but I could tell you were intrigued by me. We became close and flirted relentlessly; I’ve never done so much massage in my life! I couldn’t keep my hands off of you. I was honestly surprised when you rolled over and kissed me in Nowra. I knew you had been conflicted, but then you kissed me with such a youthful passion.  The next week was agonizing; you were conflicted again and I wasn’t. I’ll never forget the first time we made love. Maybe it was the three weeks of foreplay, but I’ve never wanted somebody so much in my entire life as I did in that moment. You gave me the green light and we threw caution to the wind and gave ourselves to each other for a magical albeit brief moment (which thankfully we didn’t pay for dearly). You said, ‘I guess this means we’re more than friends’; ‘I think so’.

A few days later we took Arapiles by storm. Over the next couple weeks, both of us climbed better than we ever had before. I honestly struggled to keep up, on some level I guess I knew I was competing with Vlad. I had my strengths: I was bold, confident and solid climbing on gear. I was living my dirtbag dream, climbing hard every day with my dream girl in my wagon every night. I did my best to keep you at arms length while still holding on to you. I turned a blind eye to your budding romance with Vlad; he was my friend and it didn’t fit with the dream. I let my ego get the best of me and I came crashing back to earth a few weeks into our stay. My confidence was shattered and I was emotional. You stuck by my side which must have been difficult. I needed you and you were there for me. I can’t thank you enough for that; losing you then probably would’ve crushed me. When I came back from Cairns, I was doing better physically and emotionally, but things weren’t the same with you and they never would be. We made love one last time; it was fantastic; that night will haunt my dreams and fantasies for quite some time. I know you enjoyed it too, but it wasn’t enough to keep you; you had already moved on.

You’re a sweet girl Sofie. I know you tried hard not to hurt me in the end, but it was bound to hurt anyways. I found myself dreaming about you at night only to wake up the morning way too early, confused that you weren’t not there and then sad when I realized it was over. That’s why I ended up knocking on your tent on that unfortunate morning. I’ve woken up from my dirtbag dream and all I wanna do is go back to sleep but I can’t. I did this to myself. Against my better judgement, I let myself get too attached, but I don’t regret it. It was an amazing albeit short ride. At times I felt like I was getting to be 18 again. If I regret anything, it’s only the times that I didn’t treat you like my dream girl.  One way or another, I knew I’d lose you Sofie and maybe I took that out on you a few times; that wasn’t fair to you and I’m sorry. It wasn’t meant to be; you weren’t ready to reciprocate my feelings and maybe I’m just not the right guy for you anyhow, but you are damn close to the perfect girl for me. I reckon I’ll spend a few years looking for your twin on my side of the Atlantic 😉

If I ever send this, I’m probably boarding a plane to Tahiti in the very near future to go float around the pacific for a few months. I’ll miss you (hopefully less) but I won’t contact you (couldn’t if I tried). I’m probably going to delete you on the Facebook; maybe I’ll try to add you back in a few months once I’ve moved on. Don’t worry about me, I’m ok. I’ve been down this road before and for me it just takes time to move on.  I hope you have an amazing life; I’m sure you will, you have so much to look forward to. Keep your head up; you’re so special; don’t ever lose that confidence and that happiness that bubbles out of you.

Big hugs Sofie, thanks for everything, it was magic. Once more:

Ciou Bella