Dear J,

The thoughts of you & me keep plaguing my mind. We argued & ended things through text messages, and by doing so, some things were left unsaid and some were misunderstood. There were things I never got to say to you, and perhaps I never will. So I hope by writing this down, it would help me get it off my mind & chest, so that I could move on.

It began to scare me how much I grew to care for you, how much I liked you. It scared me because it meant that my feelings were beginning to slip out of my control. I am a woman who’s always had everything under control, always had everything together. So, what was happening frightened me, but I let myself fall and my guard down. And instead of finding the reassurance that you felt the same way about me, what I found was the opposite. You became more distant. You made me question if you actually felt the same way about me. How could I not question it when you began to show less affection, and when you did, the intention was that it would lead to more intimate acts, when I’ve already told you countless times that I wasn’t ready. Empathise with me, please. See things from my perspective for once. As a woman, these signs are worrying and stressful; it made me question if you wanted me or just my body. That is why I gave up and left. What hurt more was that you never fought for me — deep down, I wanted you to. I would have taken you back in a heartbeat if you did. But you didn’t.

I keep replaying that night in my head over and over again. I keep asking myself the what ifs, the could haves and the should haves. But then I remember the break up text that you sent me after I walked out. You were finally telling me how you truly felt for once, even though I’ve asked you several times to just tell me if you don’t think this is working out. You were unsure of me for a while but kept stringing me along. Being the blind fool in love, I let it happen and ignored the feelings in my gut.

I was angry, I was hurt. I wanted to hate you, shout at you, scream at you. I have built this wall around me my whole life to protect myself from ever getting hurt; and for once, I allowed someone in, and began to slowly take the wall down brick by brick. You were the first person I had allowed myself to be vulnerable with — body and soul. I will always care for you and still have feelings for you, but deep down we both know that it just won’t work. We are so different, and we are both so stubborn.

I don’t regret the time we’ve spent together, and try as I might, I can’t be angry at you. I just miss you. My heart aches for you, even though I know that you’re not right for me. And with that I began to mourn our relationship, because I knew that it was truly over.

– C