Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s),

It’s me, the best thing you ever had, checking in to say hello with a little message — you know, because that’s what a person who once cared about another person does.  Simply, I find it impossible to stop caring about someone who I once loved.  I’ll always care, even if I can’t say it directly.  Because we dated, though, and my pen name’s The Modern Lady, I feel as it’s my responsibility to give you this message: don’t be a jerk! If you must, consider this a selfish request.  It’s just that because we once dated, we’re linked for life, and my career/reputation is dependent on the way you behave/treat women.

Some of you came with manners, some of you didn’t, but please, if you take a girl on a date, don’t forget them.  You know, tell her she looks beautiful, help her out of the car, pull out her chair and stuff.  You may have thought that I was fumbling in my clutch for 10 minutes, and looking for my lipstick, but what I was actually doing was kindly hinting that I wanted you to open my door.  You eventually learned, and I loved it.  Your future lady will love it, too.

As you know, I’m very critical of myself.  Therefore any girl you pursue after me, I’ll compare myself to; please select wisely.  Choose a woman with style, in both her sense of dress and the way that she carries herself.  Let me remind you that YOU’RE HOT, and should be with someone special.  Keep in mind that slutty isn’t sexy, mean girls aren’t cute, and fake nails are against my religion.

A few last things:

Please protect your penis.  I loved it once, and it would be a shame for such a beautiful thing to go to waste on an STD, or a gross girl.

Continue to work hard and be good.  Don’t allow yourself to be corrupted by evil people or things.  If we dated, you’re special; surround yourself with similar people.

Anyways, I hope you’re well! Gosh knows I built you up enough to be.

<3 The Modern Lady