Hi X,

I know you don’t want to talk to me, I know I hurt you. But I need to say something so I can finally let go of you and wonder if i made a mistake by breaking off our engagement.

X I had a pregnancy scare and when I found out that it was a false alarm, I felt even more terrified because you were very clear about leaving me and giving up parental rights if I accidentally got pregnant. Babe, you are 42 and thought that you at least “man up” but I was wrong. It made me realize that I had romanticized you into something you were not. I lost trust in you. I lost trust that you would have my back.

I started to really evaluate our relationship. You had no sex drive but you had no problem in creating a fake profile so you can follow half naked women. Here you had an amazingly hot, sexual women in front of you and you said “no thank you”. I was willing to work with you on this one since I loved you …  but you didn’t really want to. We were only dating for 4 months before you lost desire. I lost trust when you lied about creating this profile, following women, and this left me feeling unsafe, unwanted, and not desired. It would have been different if you came to me after you looked at these women, however … you didn’t.

I lost trust in you when you decided you didn’t wanted to be a part of us. It was emotionally exhausting to be, what I felt,with a man that was 5 years old emotionally. Pulling the covers over your head is an unacceptable response to questions being asked. Your mom has no problem with it … it started feeling like a parent child relationship, not a partnership. I didn’t want that kind of relationship.

We stopped talking, stopped asking about the highs and lows of each others day and when I stopped trying we fell apart. I felt it to be very hard to maintain a relationship by myself.

The last two incidents that confirmed that it was over was when you didn’t accept my collect call from Peru. I felt you didn’t care to hear my voice. I felt like an inconvenience and I felt stupid for putting myself in a vulnerable position. I thought my fiance wanted to hear my voice …

Finally when I had a gun waved in front of my face when me and another women stopped a fight. You never came over to see if I was o.k. You texted .. not even a phone call. I never felt so unloved by you.

We are supposed to get stronger not grow apart and I felt like you were on purposely growing apart because you didn’t have the balls to break it off with me. I did it for the both of us and I only used “I want kids and you don’t” as an easy black and white thing. I wish I told you the truth but wanted to make it easy to tell your family friends and family. Mine already knew the real reason … nothing to do with adopting / not adopting. I am sorry I wasn’t honest with you. I didn’t want to make it harder …

Although I miss the amazing parts of you I do not miss the ups and downs of wondering if you want in or out. I did not know how to love you and I did not feel loved by you.