My always and forever love,

I just do not even know where to begin with this letter. I know you hate being alone, you have always told me that and after our divorce you went back to the one that put us through living hell. But  you didn’t keep it long, you moved her in to what was our house, our bed, and then came back for me wanting me back. I came back, but with sickness, depression set in at the thought of her in that bed. The bed consumed me, I couldn’t get out of it.

I was falsely accused by my job, and others. I needed you to save me, but you didn’t, you never have. I tried to end it all and you weren’t even there because if I loved you why would I do something so stupid. I felt like I had become the didn’t want to be alone person. And then after all we had been through I couldn’t deal with. 2 weeks later you hurt me worse, after getting out of icu and being released to my parents you said you should have been there but didn’t know what to do. How come you or my best friend of 30 years didn’t care enough to notice?

After all the time of me being the strong one, why was no one strong for me? The hurt is steal to much to bare and I am still alone, you of course, can not be. All I have ever known is to be  loving wife and mother and our kids are grown. When I was most alone two times you weren’t there. But the crazy thing is, I know you love me. I hear you are drinking yourself to death, while I am praying and living by faith. Almost 14 years, and I still love you and probably will until the day I die.I did lose my mind and go crazy for a while, but I stood by you when you were crazy. Maybe when the strong one loses it, it’s just to much to comprehend. I don’t know how to be without you! I think I came back to fast. I think we rushed back to soon. Tell me how to stop loving you. I can not live with you or without you.

Why do you hurt me worse when I am at the bottom? I can’t forget, but I can’t get past you either. I am accomplishing my dreams now and seeing the kids just soar above every expectation. You are missing all of the good stuff. I wonder how often I cross your mind. My first mistake was I prayed for you more than myself. I should have prayed for God to show though me and lifted you up that way, not by praying for God to make you the Godly man I married again.I prayed for your job instead of mine, for your finances, instead of mine. But now I don’t pray for you that way anymore. I pray that I never put anyone above my faith. I could be with others, but I chose not to. I will not allow myself to be used. Where ever you are tonight  I hope I am constantly on your mind. I hope she is never enough and that you dream every night of the haunting things you put me through to make me this way. I hope that one day you realize how much I loved you and that you did need me and that you lose all of your worldly possessions because they are not anything. You will not have your forever plus one day you wanted….. Goodbye my love, Forever and a day, C