Dear R,

Well it’s been nearly two months since we last had a real conversation and since I got my pathetic excuse of closure from you. You got jealous. Admit it. The thing is, I never cheated on you and in all honesty the only person on my mind at that party was you. You had no trust. I understand how much your ex hurt you but I swore to you that I would never do anything to hurt you, I never broke that promise.

You were my world and I don’t think I told you that enough. I find it extremely hard to trust people and you knew that. You knew my fears, I told you everything – and maybe that was where I went wrong…because now I feel as if I gave you too much of me and I need that back. I need myself back and if I have to re-invent myself to feel alive again then so be it. The thing that really pisses me off is the fact that you started dating someone a week after we officially called it off – but that’s fine because I know she’s just a rebound 🙂

You told me that you have ‘very good coping skills’ okay sweetheart well if that’s what you like to call it then that’s fine too! I think it is sad in a way because we made so many plans and we truly did have a soul connection but you got impatient and selfish and really fucking boring. I stuck around because I loved you so much and I don’t regret it because at the time it felt like the right thing to do. I feel alot better than I did when it all blew up but I’m still hurting. I hope this feeling is only temporary because I hate that songs, pictures, quotes and other stupid little things bring my attention right back to you, your words and the way you looked at me.

You were my first love and I suppose that’s why I’m finding it so hard to let go. I was everything you wanted and I know if it wasn’t for the distance we would be together but that’s not how it is. I know that we are still teenagers and that society tells us that we mistake lust for love but I also know that life has a funny way of working out and that we are the only people who can speak about the situation we are in. I was there for you through everything and I hope that life is treating you well but the things you said and did cannot be forgotten. I can tell that she isn’t giving you what I did, that she isn’t making you as happy as you let on, that there is still a huge void in your heart that you can’t seem to fill. I guess it got to the point where the emotional distance got worse than the physical distance and we just couldn’t handle it anymore. We both needed to feel eachother to be completely satisfied and after it happened once, talking on the phone just wasn’t enough. You knew it and so did I.

The circumstances weren’t ideal, we’re so young, we don’t have the money and we can’t drive 4 hours every weekend or move in with eachother so for now things will be like this, we won’t talk and we won’t be together. I just hope that you won’t forget about me because I know for sure that I will never forget you, the only person who has fully accepted me and helped me grow as a person. So no, this isn’t goodbye, this is “I’ll see you when I do”.

J