When I first met you, you appeared to be a total douche and I did not like you at all, but over time we became friends due to our mutual fears and problems at the moment. Both of us needed to get over someone. You over your best friend and I over my first “love”.

I still remember the first time we talked about sex and how you’d like to have a friends with benefits, but just couldn’t find one who was suitable and would do it. Then you asked me how I thought about that and I did not know what to say honestly. I did not want anything to happen without love, but when we started hanging out I felt the connection that was as strong as gravity. I could not stand the thought of not touching you. And when I slept over at your house for the first time and you came into my bed and started cuddling, it was the happiest moment in a long time. When you kissed my forehead I felt more secure than ever before. And you know that I never felt completely secure with anyone before.

A couple of weeks later I was at your house again and we went to the bowling alley with some of our friends and they all thought that we were dating. Obviously we weren’t. You didn’t want a relationship and neither did I, but somewhere deep down my soul I expected us to end up together at some point. That night we had our first kiss and it was like seeing the sun, the moon and all the stars. What happened afterwards is history and I do not see the need to mention this, but we both know. And we both still remember every detail. I know you do because you told me.

Again a couple of weeks after that, we went to homecoming together and it was great. I remember you slept in our living room and texted me telling me I forgot something really important, so I went downstairs and you were laying there and told me that I had to kiss you goodnight. Oh lord, little did I know that that was also our goodbye kiss. When I brought you to the train station we promised each other to see each other as soon as possible.

I don’t know what happened after this and why it happened. All I know is that we started fighting. Over every little thing. I think the reason I was fighting was that I wanted a relationship. I did not want to keep us secret anymore. I wanted to tell my family and not feel dirty. But I could not tell you because I did not want to admit that I did the one thing we promised we would never do: fall in love.

I saw you again a couple months after and it seemed like we were strangers, but I just want to tell you how sorry I am. For everything I’ve put you through. But this is my explanation for it: I fell in love with you. Head over heels. And I do not know why or how. I just know I did and that that’s why I was being such a beast to you and put you through all these fights. But you are a wonderful wonderful person and I wish I would have told you that more often. I wish I would have cherished our moments more. I wish I would have invested more time into this, but I didn’t. And eventhough I kissed a lot of guys after and I seemingly forgot you you are still the one I compare everyone too, because you were the first and will always be.