Dear C,

I’m just going to start off with I know you’ll never read this letter but there are things I need to say that I never got the chance to and even though its been 3 years it still weighs on me and this is the best way I could get this off my chest.

First of all, you hurt me. Bad. And I treated you with kid gloves all through our break up because I feared for my safety. Thanks for that by the way. Making my friend walk me to the car when we were at the same party was a great highlight. Well, the gloves are off.  I still have to deal with the scars you left me. Whenever I meet someone new I constantly hit this fear. I don’t trust them. I think that they are purposely avoiding me or just stringing me along. I’m afraid they will look at someone and think they are better, prettier or smarter than me. And I am working past that but it’s partly your fault. You were my first love, first long term boyfriend and you constantly made me insecure and I hate that. Remember all those ignored texts? I constantly think there are ulterior motives for not answering my texts. Do you know why that is? Because you did that to me! You always did that always made me feel so insecure.  It can’t be an innocent thing like forgetting about it. No, he has to be something bad. Was it some sick way to make you feel better about yourself? To show you could control me? I know I’ll never get the answer and that’s something I’ll live with but I still have the scars.

You never called me your girlfriend. We were together 5 years, on and off, and not once. Why is that? You knew how I felt. I was your girlfriend in every sense of the word. I met your family! People joked about us getting married! You never met my family and I’m glad for that. I gave you a choice back then but you were too scared to just say you loved me. So I left. It took me leaving and then months went by for you to man up. Did you honestly think after not talking to me for months I would just fall back in love with you? I could be mean and tell you what my friends thought about our breakup but I still care for you, just know they were there for me and a big reason for my strength throughout. I gave you chance after chance and you wore me down.

I also have to deal with the friends you left behind. That guilt. You destroyed everyone by just leaving and never talking to anyone ever again. I’m pretty sure even though he knows its wrong; Rob blames me for making you leave. Did you know that he couldn’t go to your hometown for years? No, you didn’t. You selfish asshole!  You missed his wedding! A wedding in which he probably wanted to be his best man! I know he invited you. It’s been 3 years you should have come. Are you still hurt? Would it have killed you to be there? Yes, I hurt you by leaving, but you verbally abused me for years and then act like the victim. You act like I ripped your heart out.  Everyone feels bad for you. They are proud of me but still feel bad for you. Well you stomped on my spirit, my soul. And every so often when I see them I have to deal with that guilt. (Hint: I don’t see them that much anymore, we grew apart it’s safe for you to come out of the woods)

I have great friends, great family. I’m happy. My sister had a kid and I am going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding where two of my closest friends are getting married. I should thank you because without you and the path we took, I never would have met them and they are my family. It took me years to get where I am and I still have more to go but I’m getting there and I love myself. I know I’m awesome and I wont settle for being someone’s second choice anymore. For the record, I have been seeing someone and he treats me great. I still have the fear and the scars but brick by brick I will let him tear down the wall that you had me put up.

-S