Kayla,

I understand when people go through life saying, “No regrets.” It’s positive, optimistic, and mostly an overall outlook on life, and I try my best to live by it as well. But, I have to admit, I regret being with you with my entire heart.
I don’t regret you because you broke up with me, because that would be incredibly petty and immature of me. If you respectfully asked to talk to me in person, took me by the hand, and explained that you were just falling out of love with me, and you just felt that we weren’t meant to be, and hugged me goodbye, I could’ve accepted that. I would’ve been hurt, and I would’ve cried, and I would’ve wondered why, but eventually I would’ve come to terms with it, and let it go, happy that at least we had the time that we did.

But you didn’t do that. You unexpectedly avoided my calls, you started to play games, you purposely ignored my requests to see you in person, you didn’t want to hang out with me, you wouldn’t answer any of my questions, and it took almost a week before you finally would talk to me over the phone. THEN, you just break up with me over the phone. Really? After 2 years, all I get is an over-the-phone break up? I deserved better than that, and you know that. But you are a coward. You couldn’t face me, because you are immature, and you run away when things get difficult. That’s exactly what you did with me! When we hit a tiny little rough patch in our relationship, you RAN instead of giving any effort at all to try to fix things. I don’t know if this is about John and/or Damian, but you know, it’s a little suspicious that you go get drunk with them and spend the night at their house 2 hours after dumping me. I’ll never know if something was going on between you all, or if I’m just making up my own excuse or not, but I feel like I have to, because you wouldn’t give me any reason to why things ended between us. All I do know is that you were hiding SOMETHING, because you made that painfully clear. You threw every single cliche you could think of at me to why things had to end, with not a single concrete reason. Not one! I have nothing to learn from, because you gave me NO closure. That’s why I have to write this, to give myself SOME closure.

Even when I wanted to talk to you afterwards, you couldn’t even look at me. I tried to at least give you a hug when I saw you, just a hug, it’s all that I wanted! But you looked at the floor, and stood straight limp. After I helped you off the floor because you were too hungover to move. After I helped you into bed, and gave you an ice pack to put on your forehead, and handed you your garbage can in case you got sick again. What was I doing?! You dumped me, broke my heart, and I was there taking care of you! I called you crying, I texted you over and over, I tried to find you. I was pathetic. I can’t believe that I threw myself at you so pathetically. Never again. No girl will ever have the satisfaction of seeing me desperate enough to do anything to get her back. You didn’t deserve that.

You don’t deserve anything. You are stupid, and painfully naive. You have no drive, you lie to everybody, you badmouth your loving family, you don’t challenge yourself, you are passive aggressive, you just aren’t that good of a person, to be perfectly honest. I was the one that settled in our relationship, and you know that. Why? Because I fell in love with you, and I thought you loved me too. But when you told me that you only really cared about me when you met me because you had nobody else, that is when you took things too far. You didn’t have to say that, and it shows that you never actually loved me.

Again, if you were respectful and considerate when you broke up with me, I would’ve accepted this entire situation, and I would hold no ill will towards you. But you didn’t, and I do. I don’t know if you are sorry or not at this point for what you said, but I want you to know that I do not forgive you.

Someday I will. Someday I’ll forgive you, and I won’t care what happened, because somebody 100X better will have come along, and treated me like I deserved to be treated, treated me like I treated you for 2 years.

But right now I hate you. I hate your guts. I wish I could forget about you. I wish I could take a pill that would wipe the last 2 years of my life away, just so I could never know you. And I hate you because yes, I do still love you. I still have feelings for you. I still worry about how you are, and what you’re doing. But those feelings are fading, and very soon they will be completely gone, never to return. And that’s when you’ll come crawling back to me. And it will be too late. It already is too late, but it REALLY will be too late then.

You told me, “If we’re really meant to be together, our paths will cross again.” I don’t know what was going through your mind when you said that, but let squash that glimmer of hope right now.

It sounded to me that when you said that, you wanted to break up with me, but knew it was the wrong thing to do. So, you tried to tell yourself and me, that when get all the partying and fooling around out of your system, you can just get me back. I really, really, really hope you try to find me someday and say that you are ready for me again, so that I can hysterically laugh and spit in your stupid face. I don’t care if your aunt and uncle broke up in college, almost married other people, and then got back together and got married and lived happily ever after. We are not them, and that fantasy will never come to fruition. I’d rather die alone then be with you ever again. I treated you like a queen for 2 years, and this is how you repay me?

I’ve thrown away and deleted every single things that you have ever given me. And I mean EVERYTHING. I have no evidence of your existence in my life what so ever. I have blocked your number and email, so you can never get a hold of me. I guess you could come to my dorm if you really wanted to talk to me again, but we both know you are too much of a coward to do that. I’m not over you, but I am moving on, and I am moving on rapidly. I think that I am doing pretty well after only 1 month.

Again, I will never know why you truly ended things with me, but I do know that I don’t really care anymore. If it was for another guy, then you are his problem now, and good luck seeing if he will put up with all of your shit for as long as I did. If you just wanted to be single, you should’ve just said that, instead of peppering in hurtful comments. You said so many things that you didn’t have to say, and I hate you for them. I thought I knew who you really were, but I guess I was wrong.

-J