Dear Ethan,

I know it’s strange how I’m more heartbroken from this breakup,because I broke up with u and not the other way around. All of my friends don’t understand why I care so much if I broke up with you. But what they don’t understand was that I was still deeply in love with you when I called it quits. I couldnt take the things you were saying to me and you constantly blaming me for your emotional swings. It was the most mature thing I had done in a while. Things just werent working out for us. But if it was the right thing to do then why does it hurt so much still? It’s been more than 2 months and I can’t stop thinking about you. You sneak up on me in my dreams and when I’m alone in my room on quiet nights. And they throw me into these panic attacks and I’m just crying like there is no end. It’s especially when I’m listening to music. Sometimes there will be a song that say one line that hits me hard and I completely lose it in a public setting.

I tried dating because one of the best way to get over heartbreak is having new partners. But when this new guy put his hands on my face and my waist, I just felt disgusted with myself afterwards. When I got home that night I started crying again and thinking about that night we were in ur basement and fooling around and realizING how much I missed it. I cried tonight on new years because this whole week I wanted to call you to see if we could meet up somewhere and get coffee. I had this irrational fear that if we didn’t met before the year ended one more time that you wouldnt remember me next year. But I knew it was stupid so I resisted the urge to. And it’s left me feeling awful sick right now.

You promised me many things. You promised me unconditional love. You promised to change the things that I told you were hurting me. You promised me a new world and a future together. And that’s why I let myself fall in love for the first time. I won’t say it was all your fault because I think we equally made mistakes. But I know I let myself fall in love like a fool.

Mimi