Dear A,

When I messaged you last night about wanting to talk, I had no intention of doing or saying anything spiteful or nasty that would make you feel bad about yourself. I don’t really have that cruel streak that makes me able to kick a dog when it’s down. That said, I’ve decided against bringing any of this up with you, especially at the moment. It’s a conversation that would fall on deaf ears at the best of times, and you’re hardly in the right headspace to hear it. It’s more a rational to my own brain to give myself some closure because I’m fairly certain you’ll never be able to help me with that. So, if I ever do let you read this, please don’t take it the wrong way and view it as an attack. I still care about you a lot.

We did have this conversation on Saturday, but I have a feeling you wont remember it. At some point after you suggested I hook up with your friend, I pulled you aside and told you point blank that while I don’t have any issues sleeping with you; I hadn’t wanted a relationship with you since you initially pulled back. Only a sadist would want to be with someone who couldn’t make up their mind about them. I’d be lying if I didn’t have moments where I missed you, or wished things could have ended differently, but I’ve since realised that it’ll never be like it was with us. I’m never going to be able to help pull you out of your hole, and I can’t torture myself with that anymore. You’re never going to want me like that either. I acted as a life rope for you after your breakup with your ex. We both knew it at some level, but I didn’t want to think about how I was going to be someone’s rebound so soon..

I’ve never considered anything that happened with you as a mistake. That could be because I haven’t really changed my mind about our situation. I’m content to be friends and nothing more than that. I’m never the one calling you to come over, and I’m fairly positive I haven’t once propositioned you without some form of encouragement from you. You, on the other hand, change your mind about everything as soon as you’ve had more beers than toes, and I feel really sorry for you about that. It can’t be a good feeling, and I’ve honestly tried really hard to make it clear that I wasn’t into that anymore.

I know I’ve been really level headed about all of this, and you’ve commented on how ‘grown up’ I’ve been right the way through. But there’s one part of me that is really mad at you. I still don’t understand why you’d identify that I had massive walls up, work your hardest to break them down, only to make me realise why I had them up in the first place. The one guy I did start seeing properly, I bailed on the moment I started having actual feelings for him. This isn’t your fault, but you really didn’t help the situation. The only other thing I’ve ever been mad at you about, is how you always made me feel like I was a mistake. The last few times we’ve slept together, you’ll always make some comment about how it doesn’t mean anything, or it was a mistake. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve never done anything to warrant being called a mistake. I’ve always been honest with you, never lost it or acted like a psychopath, and pretty much left you alone since you moved to Newcastle. If you honestly feel like every time we fuck is a mistake, you’re the one with the hangups, not me.

Hangups and all, you’re still one of my favourite people to be around. Everything is so easy with you. You make me laugh, one of the best in bed, and you’re able to cheer me up quicker than most. I really miss those nothing afternoons we used to have at T’s, where we’d literally sit and watch the Simpsons for hours, and I still routinely giggle at how you couldn’t pronounce camembert.

I really do hate how the timing with us was so messed up, if we’d waited 6 months things might have been completely different and I wouldn’t be sitting here trying to rationalise how I can be so frustrated with you, but miss you at the same time. Maybe in 20 years when we both pull our heads out of our asses we can be each other’s back up plans, but I don’t really see a couple of gems like us being left on the shelf! So we’ll have to settle for friendship haha.

There’s going to be a time when you meet the girl who’s going to solve all your problems and make you happier than anyone ever could. A tiny part of me really dreads that day, but the rest can’t wait. You’re a really good person and you deserve it.

Love,

H