Dear you,

There’s so much I want to say to you, but I’m finding it hard to find a starting point and I’m finding it hard to tone it down so I don’t end up writing a six page letter or something. I must’ve written you about five letters by now, this being the sixth, and none of them are better than the other. I guess I just don’t understand your whole reason for going back. I understand the basics of course, you want your boys to have a happy family and you don’t want to lose that. What I’m having trouble wrapping my head around is that you took her back after what she did, not only to you but to your whole family? Especially after everything you said about her during our time together. People don’t just change overnight. It’s not as black and white as that, their are a lot of grey area’s. I don’t mean to sound like I’m preaching here because I promise I’m not, I’m really just voicing to you what I didn’t have the chance to say any other way.

One question I have to ask, even though I’m not expecting a reply or anything, is this; how do you expect your boys to be happy when you’re not entirely happy yourself?

You’re probably thinking, “how does she know if I’m happy or not? She doesn’t even know me.” or something along those lines. Truth is though, I do know you. Not all of you of course, but I know you well enough just from observing and listening to you. I know that right now, even as I right this letter, even though it’s a Thursday night and you’d be at the airport, that you’re trying so hard to force yourself to be happy when you know the truth is that you’re really not. Not completely anyway.

You should know that this letter is not an attempt to try and make you choose me over D. I wouldn’t put that on you. Yes we were happy together for that amazing week, yes we were content and comfortable with each other, yes we made each others lives just that bit easier, yes we had fun and yes we brought something out in each other that was amazing and that neither of us had felt in such a long time, if ever. But all good things come to an end, right? By choice or not.

I’ve had almost a month to try and pull myself together and to try and collect my thoughts about what happened, and this is what I’ve come to. I’m at a point now that I’ve accepted your decision, and that wasn’t an easy point to get to, trust me. I half respect it too. I respect why you did it. For your boys, which just shows what a great dad you are and how hard you try. What I don’t respect is the decision you made to take back the one person who hurt you the most with her lies and unfaithfulness. Fair enough you don’t want to lose your family, no one wants that. Sometimes though you have to know when enough is enough and when it’s time to let go and work something else out. Because you sure as hell don’t deserve what you’ve settled for.

There will always be a part of you that cares for D because she is the mother of your children and you went through a lot together. That’s respectful and understandable. How much do you really think she cares about you beyond that though? Do you really believe her when she says it will never happen again after she did it not once, not twice but three times to you? Honestly, will you ever trust her like that again? How could you? How many chances does one person need?

Lastly, let me just remind you of some things from the time we spent together. They’re probably pointless now, but like I said this is me voicing everything I didn’t get a chance to and everything that I’m finding hard to let go of.

I’ll start at the beginning, that seems fitting. So, the original plan was to have one single, amazing night together to take away the loneliness and to make each other feel special. I’m sure you remember. We had such an incredible first night together. So many smiles, so many butterflies, so much care from the both of us, so much affection, so much compassion, so much just….comfortability. We both knew that there was something there, otherwise you wouldn’t have finally asked me to stay another night. The second night was even better than the first. Even more smiles, some laughter. Something was beginning to grow and I know you could feel it too and that it scared you. I could tell, so I went home the next day like you had asked because I didn’t want to scare you even more to the point of no return.

You had said continually that you couldn’t start anything serious. I heard what you said and I understood. You weren’t in a position, mentally or physically, to start anything more than the casual thing we had going on and I could clearly see that. You had a lot to work out with yourself and I’m sorry if anything I said or did came across as me pressuring you for more, because that honestly wasn’t my intention. I knew you’d need time and I was willing to be as patient as you needed me to be, please believe me on that.

When you came and got me again just hours after dropping me off the second day actual feelings were beginning to flow. We were growing more confident and comfortable in each others company. From then on it just got even more intense and even more meaningful. Everything we said and everything we did meant something in one way or another.

You have no idea just how amazing you are, absolutely no idea. The care you have for everyone else is incredible. You have such a big heart with so much love to give. You’re so generous. You’re compassionate, caring, loyal, so thoughtful of others. Your smile just lights up at times. Youre eyes are golden and beautiful. You know what the best part about you is though? Your boys. The way your whole face lit up every time you spoke of them was just…heart warming. I loved hearing about them because I knew it made you happy to talk about them. I know you thought it was annoying me, but I couldn’t have been farther away from annoyed. It made me happy. You made me happy. Happier than I have been with anyone else.

It was all such a whirlwind. Here one minute and gone the next. The quicker and harder I fell for you the more effort I wanted to put in with what we had and the more I wanted to be there for you to help you, comfort you and just generally be there for you. And then one day you were just…gone. It was all over.

I’ve stood up for you a lot ever since that dreaded Friday night. Knocked back any statements that came my way about you just using me as a rebound or as just someone to have around until you were done with me and wanted to go back to D. I’ll continue to stand up for you with that because I know in my heart that none of that is true. I do know that at first it was a comfort thing, but again, after that first night it became so much more. And I couldn’t be more thankful that I out of all the people in the world had the pleasure of being with you like that, in that way. I was lucky enough to be held in your arms and to have you in mine. I was lucky enough to have you miss me. Lucky enough to feel your soft lips on mine over and over again. Just lucky enough to have known you.

I do feel like our time was cut incredibly short, but it is what it is now and there is nothing I can do about it. I do have one regret though. If I could I would go back in time and change that last kiss we had in your car, I would make it one to remember. A kiss full of love, care and so much passion instead of the sloppy corner kiss we were left with. That one is my fault, I know.

I do still miss you. I miss your brown eyes, I see them every time I close mine. I miss how you kiss me at night. I miss the way we sleep, kind of like there’s no sunrise, like there’s no tomorrow. I miss the way we breathe, I miss the feel of your hands on my skin. The feel of your soft skin under my hand as I rub your whole chest and torso. I miss everything about you. You’re gone now and even a month later I can’t believe I still want you just as much as I did on the first night.

I still cuddle up to my pillow every night, mimicking the way I used to lay on you, in hopes that I’ll wake up with my head on your chest and your arms around me, with this past month just being a horrible dream. And each morning I open my eyes and I’m hit with the hard truth again. In all honesty I’m not okay. Far from it to tell you the truth. But everyone keeps telling me I just need time to let the wounds heal. I hope they’re right because the invisible cuts I have are still as deep as they can be. Still as deep as they were when I first got them on that night.

All I ask from you is that you reconsider your decision. Not for me but for you. At least think about it. I want nothing but happiness for you and I know that right now, you’re not as happy as you can or should be. Not for all the right reasons at least. Infact I’m worried about you to say the least. Move out of your comfort zone. It’ll be worth it, I promise.

I don’t know what else I can say from here. I hope this letter means something to you, if anything. Again, this isn’t me trying to make you choose me over D, not at all. You don’t have to choose me. Just know that the happiness you had with me? You can have it again. You can have it again because you deserve it. Learn to believe that because it’s true.

You know how highly I think of my pop, right? Well put it this way. You’re right under him and that’s saying something. Really can’t get much better than you. I mean that, 100%.

I suppose that’s all now. Not much else I can say that would be relevant. I do apologize for it being so long though. I really did try to make it as short as I could.

Please take care of yourself, S. Take care of your boys too. They’re very lucky to have you as their dad.

Thank you for everything you did for me, S. I’ll never forget any of it….or you for that matter. Please don’t forget me.

Take care handsome,

C.

P.s “We accept the love we think we deserve”.