I was so angry for the longest time, and I really didn’t know why I was angry, or what I was angry at. I probably knew, but was in denial. Just didn’t want to admit it. I was angry with myself for failing us. I was angry for failing myself.
You had good reason to be frustrated. There were many things I needed to be doing differently, not just for ‘us’ to work, but for me as a person. I was sadly lacking in many ways, but knowing myself was probably the biggest component. I had defined myself through other people for so long, I never really noticed my own lack of ‘wings’. You were ready to do something I wasn’t really thinking about – becoming a new person; your own person.
I did learn things, but I wasn’t ready to apply them. I was too busy kicking the crap out of myself for mistakes that had been made many years prior. Things that should have been left to die that I kept alive in my thoughts. Things that had nothing to do with us, and never should have affected us. I wouldn’t forgive myself of the mistakes I made, and, in letting them haunt me and distort my thinking, I made even more mistakes I wouldn’t forgive myself for making.
I’ve decided it’s no longer healthy to hang on to that guilt, but I have to own what’s mine before I can give it away. You tried so hard to get me to see, to get us to work. You put in years of hard work, and I’m ashamed to have turned into such a disappointing investment. I didn’t put in enough of what you valued most – effort – into us, or myself. You grew in ways I was afraid to.
I would succumb to that fear where you overcame it.
I’m sorry I’ve been screaming at you while avoiding my responsibilities and blaming everyone and everything but myself.
There’s a lot I said out of anger, and I’m sorry. I wasn’t ready to accept that I was the cause of what had me feeling devastated, and it’s still a bitter pill to swallow yet. It’s been hard to wake up and see how I’ve sabotaged myself over the years.
I’m not happy about it, but I forgive myself my mistakes. I can’t let guilt from the past wreck my future. I can’t let past failures prevent me from trying until I succeed.
It’s not your fault, and it never was. I was broken in many ways, and bless your heart, you tried to fix me. It wasn’t your job to try, but you cared, and you tried. Damn if it wouldn’t have worked, at least in some ways, if I’d had taken advice.
I could have been much better to you. Insomuch, I could have been equally better to myself. Truly, you can’t love another until you love yourself. Can’t know another until you know yourself. I’m coming to understand this.
Lord knows, maybe you’ve been trying this whole time to steer me where I need to go. I can’t imagine how you could still care at this point, but I appreciate when you did. I will do all I can to make a return on your investment. I will stop projecting my frustrations and failures onto you, and take a better look at myself. I will stop playing victim to my own mistakes.
I will own that I’ve screwed up a lot, and deserve the consequences of my actions. I own that I didn’t do everything right. But today is a new day. And I can take whatever baby steps I need. I can change and do it as right as I can.
Thank you for a love I didn’t deserve.