dear c (hms),

i just wanted to wish you a happy birthday…

i’m sure that you’ve heard me saying it aloud, every sixth day of september, for the past five years now…

before you departed this life, you left something behind… just a few words that make me feel as though you are still here with me, every time i read them. so whenever i’m feeling lonely or blue, or whenever i’m really missing you… i google my own name in full, just to see those words pop up… and even if it’s only a fragment i see, those words will forever mean the world to me…

its been so long since i’ve been able to give you something… so, this is my gift to you…

c, you weren’t ashamed of telling the world that you loved me… and i thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart. out of all the men who have come and gone in my life, not a single one of them could ever hold a candle to you. our relationship may have been short-lived, but our love was the strongest and longest lasting that i have ever known. they say that nobody is perfect… but you were perfect to me, and i was perfect to you… regardless of how much the fighting hurt.

i have so many regrets… if you only would have known how much i loved you… i still do. i have tried moving on with my life… but still, no kids, no family to call my own… i wish that it could have been you. i feel like we were meant to be together. i was lucky enough to meet my soulmate, to fall in love with him… but then i lost him… and now there’s no getting you back. this is not something that i would wish on my own worst enemy.

i am so sorry… i am so very deeply sorry for ever walking away from you… for not trusting you, and for not listening to my heart… if i could do anything over again, if i could change anything in my past, it would be this. i am so sorry i hurt you… but i never truly wanted to let you go…

the day that i learned of your passing was the single worst and most painful day of my life… worse than anything i’ve ever suffered… worse than the day i woke up paralyzed… worse than anything i could have imagined really. i could not find it in myself to attend your funeral, because i didn’t want to believe that you were gone. but even so, i tended to focus more on the day of your passing for the first few years. i don’t know why…

but i know now what is most important… the day you were born. this is what i should focus on, this is what deserves to be celebrated. i thank God every day for bringing you into this world… for giving me the opportunity to have experienced you… to have loved someone so deeply… time was on our side, long enough for us to create the most awesome & beautiful of memories together… you were the best thing that ever happened to me…

i’ll never forget… driving around aimlessly with my passenger, getting lost with you, because we were too busy laughing at something random to remember where we were going. remember the day we went to the fishing pond, and sat side by side over the water? or the skating rink, where you fell down and i somehow forgot how to stop? or the drive-in that one night, when the windows were steamy enough for us to fool around? remember the Halloween party, where you were forced to eat anchovies, and then you chased me around trying to kiss me? the walks through the woods to see the bunkers that echoed like crazy? remember sitting under the stars together, listening to tom petty? that is when we both said “i love you”… even though i loved you long before that day. i remember everything, even the day i finally met you in person, as you waited for me outside the old arcade… i remember your smile, and the hoodie you wore… it was your favorite.

c, i will love you always & forever. i may never live out our dreams with somebody else, but i am ok with that… so long as you and i meet again one day. until then, i will always be praying for a second chance with you in heaven…

“i love you with all my heart and soul and everything i am, i miss you like crazy hms, you are my best friend…”

love forever,
m