Paulinha,

Having a good memory is a curse sometimes. Not because we remember the bad things, but because of the good things. And having a memory like mine (as you well know), I think is even worse, because I can remember things that happen a long time ago.
I remember everything, every date, how everything started, how it developed and, unfortunately, how everything ended.

During 6 years, we were the best friends we could have ever been to each other, however, everything ended in a way that was not even close to planned. I know that it was because of me that everything went south, but I will not ask for forgiveness again. I just want you to know that I was always aware that I was not interesting to you and that was driving you away more and more, and I was struggling to change but I could never do it and I believe that, unconsciously, I needed to run away, even if this let me the way I am right now.

As I said, I remember everything. The two of us, awkwardly, inside a classroom beside the washrooms at our school (JK), where we had our first kiss and it all started. I remember after one week, when I looked at you, and awkwardly asked: are we still a thing? I remember the Virassol competition, the afternoons in your house, the first gift you ever gave me, the first gift I ever gave you, Lenine’s concerts, the hang outs with Edu, Clara, Gaby drunk inside the car(hahaha) and all the nights out with Leandro and Bia. I also remember when we started sleeping at each other’s houses, the feelings and thoughts in my mind, your embrace, your kisses, and your smile. I remember you whenever I listen to John Mayer. I remember the useless facts and fun facts I always gave you and the way you always listened to me and asked for my opinion. I remember our nights at the movies and the discussions we had whenever we walk out of the sessions, going to Parkshopping to watch two movies sometimes, out Outback dinners and our Sushi based celebrations. But what I always remember (and the thing I miss the most) are you smile and your laugh. Paula, I loved making you laugh.

Even though these things make me happy, having a good memory also reminds me of the bad things, like our fights, our disagreements and all of my mistakes. I have always been really angry and I knew this was a big issue, but even with this, you supported me through thick and thin and for that I love you with all my heart.
I know I have never been the boyfriend you always wanted and deserved to have. I have never been interesting, always bland, boring, arrogant and stressed out.

I would like to say that you were the best part of my life and that the best part of me was always you. My family tells me my first big mistake was leaving you and my second biggest one was going to Canada. Honestly, I completely agree with them.

But I did not write this to try and get back on anything like that. I wrote this because I am trying to accept that we are not gonna see each other anymore, and at some point, things have to follow the path that was written for them. Accepting this and giving up on fighting for something I know is not going to happen anymore has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in the past 2 years. I felt you were not happy with me because of my mistakes and the things I have done and this has always been a weight in my conscience and if I could do everything again that would not have happened. I tried to change, but I couldn’t, not because I didn’t want to, but because I was incapable of changing.

I wish you all the happiness in your life and a lot of success in your career, a lot of peace and health, not only physical, but mental and that you have the will power and strength to achieve everything you want. Dream big! Always! And don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do, or that you suck or that you are not good enough.
For me is good to see that you are well and that you are happy and have no worries, enjoying your life. At the end, I feel a bit good about leaving, because not being able to make you happy was killing me. And to me, is good to see that I had to make you happy in any way I could, even if I had to get out of your life. In the end, I think I released you from my tyranny.

I would like you to know that whenever you need me, I will be wherever you are in the blink of an eye. If you need to talk, I will ALWAYS be available for you and I will always try to help. Why? Because I love you, and I have been, I am and always will be completely in love with you. And I rather love you forever not being able to be with you, knowing that you are well, than not have had you at all. With pain and regret I love seeing that you moved on. Keep going! And remember to smile whenever everything seems like it’s going under.

A million kisses and hugs.