There’s a time in our lives where we have to snap back to reality….. This is my time , for our lives it’s difficult when you’ve entered the gates of hell when you realize that this world has turned you into something your not , and we constantly tend to blame the world but it’s us, it’s our actions that lead us to become these cold hearted, mischievous people, and we lose ourselves in that time being , I can’t stop replaying the times you smiled back at me , the times you stared at me with those big brown eyes and every time I looked at you I fell deeper and deeper, April of 2014 changed everything ……….. The day I first met you , you were so happy so energetic it’s as if you’ve never been tainted it was as if life never put you through hell , until you met me I became the worst parts of you I became everything bad that ever happened in your life , but those were never my intentions Because in my heart, in my soul I wanted you forever I wanted to be your wife , your soulmate, and me trying to save you me trying to protect you from getting hurt dug you deeper into the ground I made you feel insecure, guilty. You were the complete opposite you took me to heaven , you constantly rescued me from this place we call life , you made me feel safe. I felt like I became obsessed, but it wasn’t obsession I just constantly told myself if you love someone you fight for them you never give up, but the fights started becoming more and more likely for me to lose they started making me weak , they started changing me into this evil person I was not , because everytime something went wrong I blamed it on you , I blamed you for everything when I know in my heart I was the blame , i was selfish because I wanted you to be with me even when I knew that the same person who dragged you to hell was the same person asking for another chance, and all you ever wanted from me was honesty and the truth , I never opened up to you the way I should have I never poured my heart and soul into those deep conversations we had late at night in your room, and I blame myself everyday because if this were different we would of been different, when I found out I was pregnant I was happy because in my heart I knew that even if I wasn’t going to be with you I would still have the most precious gift on earth that was given to me by you ,and I was okay with that , until things started turning around the accusations started to come in, you never believed a word I said and I tried to understand because I constantly gave you reason to not believe in me , there was times I wouldn’t text you I wouldn’t call you because I thought that when you held your son , when you had those same big brown eyes stare at you , when you had those little fingers holding your finger, I knew your life would change forever, i never denied any DNA test I actually wanted to prove to you that your son was yours , even if rumors went around atleast you would know, but you kept turning it down I’m not sure if you were afraid of the truth , but I knew you and sometimes it was a bit scary because I knew you more then I knew myself , I knew that you were afraid of the possibility of it not being yours and that would of just been another heartache for you , but we never know the real truth do we ? That’s why I constantly set up appointments for you so once and for all your heart could be at peace , so everytime you saw an ultrasound or my belly you would know that, that is yours and no accusation possible could change that . This roller coaster became a hell ride , we went from buying promise rings for eachother to hating eachother to judging eachother to making eachother feel less, it’s nerve wrecking the amount of change we went through, the amount of hate we grew towards each other or atleast portrayed because I knew deep down we cared about each other , we were just in too deep, I never believed in love the way I do now , even if this love tore me apart, even if I lost the real me in the process, I still believed in this because what I feel for you is bigger is stronger, and even when I try to tell myself that everytime you walk away, everytime you give me that last breath of hope and you walk away, I always think I’ll be okay and if we don’t speak I’ll eventually learn to be without you but that’s never the case that’s when depression kicks in, my heart feels like it’s useless and I go into this dark cloud, Its like I need resurrection to change how I feel about you, to make myself feel better I told myself that if we really wanted to we could be happy and atleast that’s what I thought because we had our happy moments at times we had our laughs, but our love was just not enough for the past, it wasn’t enough to reverse the destruction, my goal was to make you happy and everytime I tried doing that it’s like I made you mad because everytime you looked at me it killed you. The same person you loved was the same person who hurt you who destroyed your heart, but I felt differently I constantly wanted to force you to get over the past , I just wanted us to be happy to have our own place , to have our nice cars to live our dreams , but I guess In your mind you always felt I was going to hurt you again, and it made me so mad because I just wanted you to get over it so we can start over again , but it’s never that easy and I constantly tried to pretend like I’ve never been down that road like I don’t know how it feels to get hurt, it murders you. I just wanted you to see the real me I wanted you to see that I wasn’t the person you thought I was I wanted you to see the kindness in my heart , but it felt like the more I tried to push you in the more you became distant , maybe I never understood how you truly felt , I never understood how everytime you saw me you would cry, how you didn’t want to know anything about me , maybe because I never loved my ex the way you loved me , and now I truly understand how you feel because I’m going through it all over again with you , and you would think that the second time around it would be easier but it just reopens all the same wounds , I love you and I don’t expect you to reply to this, this is not an apology letter because no matter how many times I say sorry it won’t change how you feel it won’t change the past , I just want you to know that you will always hold a special place in my heart at all times because your not only the love of my life your the father of my son. I hope to see you one day I hope I see you smiling the same way you smiled at me the first time , I hope I see those eyes glow , I hope that time around you can Be able to speak to me , we can be able to meet and maybe it will be in another life but I think that when someone leaves a big impact on your life, you never forget them.